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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't help with baby costs?

387 replies

wibblewobblequack · 23/11/2023 15:25

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 23/11/2023 15:28

Are you married, if not you are in a very weak position

Original poster
wibblewobblequack · 23/11/2023 15:28

Not married @Doggymummar

OP posts:
Museings · 23/11/2023 15:30

@wibblewobblequack on 100k he might not be able to pay two sets of fees. How old is your step child?

Its insane you are paying for childcare alone, have you asked him to pay his share?!

BuffaloCauliflower · 23/11/2023 15:30

This is absolutely insane. He earns £100k but you’re struggling. I guarantee he doesn’t let you pay towards the mortgage to make sure you don’t have a claim on the house. He should be paying way more, all household costs including childcare should be split proportionally. He’s treating you horribly

Hipnotised · 23/11/2023 15:31

He's putting a roof over his own head but making damn sure that you won't have a claim.

Marry him or get the house in your name as well.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/11/2023 15:31

How much is the mortgage per mo?

Original poster
wibblewobblequack · 23/11/2023 15:34

Sorry I'll be more specific, he earns 150k and we live up north so pretty decent earnings here.

House worth 500k it's almost paid off. He has been paying a lot towards the mortgage to get it paid off quickly.

He has alluded to not wanting to be tied to school fees again but is vague.

I'm not actually bothered about DS attended private school as such it's just how differently I feel the children are treated and valued.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/11/2023 15:34

Looks like he's got things set up nicely for him. You would probably do better if you split up if you're not going to get married OP.

Whataretheodds · 23/11/2023 15:34

How often does he have sole care of your DS?
How often do you have sole care of his DD on those 5 nights?
Who does the housework?

GKD · 23/11/2023 15:36

This wouldn’t be ok if there wasn’t a step child, so I wouldn’t focus on that.

The issue is he isn’t contributing fairly to his child with you. Can you pool finances?

You're in a bit of a precarious position, working which is great but what would you do if DP kicked you out of his house?

How long out of those 8 years have you lived together? Did you manage to buy a house for renting/save a lump sum if you lived together rent free pre DC?

Original poster
wibblewobblequack · 23/11/2023 15:38

I don't think he ever wants to get married.
It's never been discussed.

He almost never has sole care of DS, he works long hours. He's bathed and put him to bed twice this month iirc. I was in the house while this happened. I can't think of any times he's taken DS out alone really. Maybe once or twice.

When DSD stays with us I do the school runs, pick ups etc as I work closer and shorter hours than DP.

I do all the cooking, we do have a cleaner though but I obviously still have to clean/tidy/wash after the toddler.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 23/11/2023 15:39

Why on earth are you only paying for childcare when your DS has a father who should be paying for it also?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2023 15:39

When DSD stays with us I do the school runs, pick ups etc as I work closer and shorter hours than DP.

You were hired as Mrs. Right Now to facilitate his life and make things easy. He probably thinks the baby unplanned was to trap him and now you've trapped yourself.

No more facilitating his life if you aren't a partnership.

Original poster
wibblewobblequack · 23/11/2023 15:41

He won't pool finances.

We've lived together for 6 years.

Before we lived here we lived together in my house which was owned by me.

He didn't pay any bills or contribute other than the odd food shop but my mortgage and bills were small as it was a starter home so I didn't mind so much.

He also said he was saving so we could buy a house together and that I would benefit from his savings.

When I sold my house I bought a new car (£10k) with the equity and paid off some debts. The rest of the equality I had to use to help get through my maternity leave as he didn't help with a penny towards that and I still had to pay half the bills and for food.

Stupid, I know. I wish I hadn't spent the equity.

OP posts:
hotcandle · 23/11/2023 15:42

I don't think you should have a claim to the house as you didn't contribute towards it but I know other posters are going to disagree with that.

I would suggest to him that the two of you get married but I can already guess how he will respond to that.

You would be better off splitting up and getting CMS. At least then he will be contributing towards childcare costs and you'll be able to buy your own property. You would be in a better financial situation that way.

hotcandle · 23/11/2023 15:44

I would also stop doing lifts for his daughter. You're good enough to provide help with her but he won't even help you with your own child? No way.

purplecorkheart · 23/11/2023 15:46

To be honest your relationship it is only to his advantage. Basically he has a live in housekeeper/driver/admin person.

What are you honestly getting out of this relationship?

GKD · 23/11/2023 15:46

So he saved money off your back (you paid his living costs) to buy his house solo, you used last of your finances so household income reduction in mat didn’t affect him, he won’t pool resources, you pay all costs of his second child, you facilitate him seeing 1st and his share of care for 2nd/both?

I'm wondering what he is for?

whats your relationship like because this has huge 🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
wibblewobblequack · 23/11/2023 15:47

@hotcandle I get what you are saying, I guess he had the benefit of living in my house rent free to save his money. And said I'd benefit from it when we had a lovely home together.

When it came down to it though he said it was better for just him to take the mortgage and said he'd put me on the deeds later on but I don't think that will happen.

My DSD is a lovely girl and I see us all as a family I would feel bad for her if I just stopped collecting her

OP posts:
Whatapickle23 · 23/11/2023 15:48

You've got yourself into a right mess but you can get out of it if you're smart and play the long game. Slowly, gradually, reduce the pick ups and general nanny/maid/housekeeper shit you do for him. Start squirrelling away money until you've got enough money for 6 months rent for your own place. Then you can leave him and claim child maintenance.

Silvergreenblue · 23/11/2023 15:48

I'd stop paying half towards the bills for a start. He's got a good deal going there. Tell him that money is going towards the upkeep of your son who he doesn't pay a penny towards. Cheeky fucker.

Superscientist · 23/11/2023 15:50

He doesn't let you pay towards the mortgage as if you broke up you would have a claim for a share of the house that you have paid for. I would get advice on how best to proceed as this could leave you in a precarious position if you split up. No one wants to consider it but it is life so I ideally would want the money squirrelled away that would allow you to set up in a rental if something happened. My sister was in an abusive relationship and had to stay about a year longer than she wanted as she couldn't afford to leave. I do my best to have a getaway fund always and encourage all women to have one if feasible.

The house hold bills included childcare at the very least should be all 50:50 and ideally scaled with income but possibly also factoring in the factor you don't pay for the mortgage

I would ask for his justification for not giving your joint child the same opportunities as the existing child. How much of your step child's private tuition is paid by the mother? Is this a factor?

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 23/11/2023 15:51

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Financially you'd probably be better of leaving him.

mugofstew · 23/11/2023 15:53

I agree that you need to reset the finances.
I'm working on the basis that he won't marry you or put on the deeds of the house.
I would stop paying any bills apart from childcare and start saving like mad.

reclaimmyboobs · 23/11/2023 15:56

You’re a free nanny and he’s a shithead.

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