DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

You are just staff who got herself knocked up.. You aren't actually in a relationship..

I know. Not helpful, OP, but he has really done a number on you financially.

He’s financially abusing you

Oh sweetheart what a mess you have got yourself in. Agree with everyone on here. This isn’t a relationship, you’re staff.
Work out a way to leave, get what benefits you are entitled to and claim CMS.
Things will only get harder as you get older. You don’t want to find yourself homeless in another 10 years when he’s bored and he doesn’t need you to do his childcare.

Move out and claim maintenance, he'd have to pay you more than a small mortgage

It's supposed to be a loving partnership, not a deal.

He is financially abusive and a massive dick.

You used the equity from the house you sold to pay bills and now you’re paying for childcare on your own-wtf!?

And you'd be entitled to child benefit/ help with childcare costs, which presumably you don't get at the moment given his salary?

This with bells on!

Seriously OP, you need to find a way to get out of this so called relationship as soon as possible.

The problem with this is I'm pretty sure someone on £30k wouldn't be able to afford half the mortgage on a £500k house!

If he refuses to help with your child's costs you could quit your job and have him provide for the family, since he earns so much money and already owns his property. Also get married for legal protection and rights

This is all financial abuse.

OP as hard as it is to hear, this whole situation is very very bad for you and he is financially abusing you. He won't let you pay towards the mortgage because you don't have a leg to stand on in regards to staying there at the very least. He sounds very calculated in how he's treating you. Please tread really carefully and work out a way to leave.

You just need to recalculate the bills so that they include ALL bills childcare, shopping and your child's clothes.

Then you pay half each. If he doesn't agree you just stop paying for any bills which aren't in your name.

Things don't quite add up... you started off saying 100 k and then went to 150 k. Did you mean take home? Otherwise, it sounds like you're trying to bolster how the inequality looks.

So 100 k
15 k for CMS (you said slightly over)
20 k for mortgage (fair on 500 k)
30 k on school fees
12 k on expenses (big house!)
= almost 80 k

He probably has a nice car, so fuel, (maybe payments) say 5 k... Hidden spends like snacks, tools, hobbies, clothes, say 5 k. On 100 k with kids, probably 1 k on Christmas, a few holidays... and he probably wants to put some into savings too!

You're actually cutting it quite close.

I don't really see the hardship/disparity here...

Why do women continue to trap themselves in these situations? They just put their heads in the sand, have a baby, and hope for the best. No house. No money. No security. No rights. It's depressing. Can't blame men for everything.

You feel like your child is being treated differently, but what about you? Ultimately your child is being taken care of just as well as DD, with the difference being it's been done by you. It's you who is being treated differently. It's incredibly unfair and honestly shocking. What are you telling yourself to make this okay day to day? I would not want to live like that personally, I'd rather be single than live like I'm single alongside someone so incredibly uncaring and selfish.

You don't pay the childcare so you can work, childcare is so that you can both work. So you pay for it together.

DH earns more than me so I pay a smaller proportion of our joint bills (mortgage, energy, childcare, insurances, fuel, food etc.).

At the moment you aren't a partnership. He's completely taking advantage of you.

@C1N1C It's about the children. He pays a shit ton towards one and nothing towards the other. The OP pays everything towards one and does all the running around and childcare for both.

Does he still own the flat and rent it out therefore getting the money from that too?

oh lovely you are in a mess. Seriously you need to listen to wise Mumsnetters and get legal advice. You are currently his admin, childminder, driver- where’s the relationship? Seems like you fitted into a slot he needed filling at the time. I can’t believe you sold your home and let all that equity go 🤦‍♀️

You poor woman - you've put your trust in this man and he's abusing you.

You are his housekeeper/Nanny/sex provider who not only doesn't get paid but has to contribute to the household bills! Meanwhile, he isn't even contributing financially for his own son.

He won't marry you, put your name on the house deeds or even support you while on maternity leave with his child. He's self-centred, avaricious and exploiting you for all his needs while you're gaining nothing - no security, no financial support and no concern for your welfare. How much more vile does he have to be before you realise what he's done to you, how he's stitched you up, what a trap he's enticed you into?

Please try to remember how much more you're worth than this. He doesn't deserve you and I really hope you can extract yourself from this appalling situation and rebuild your life.

Christ, what on earth attracts you to this tightfisted arsehole?

So he pays over the maintenance and for education for his eldest but nothing for the youngest.

Puts a roof over your head? Is that a joke. He's paying over 2.5 grand a month for one child and arguably a third of the mortgage for his second I doubt that's even close

Get rid

@Deathbyfluffy OP said the mortgage is nearly paid off.

in any case without marriage or name on deeds she has no right to house/equity, he can kick her out tm with the clothes on her back.

True, but the imbalance is justified for now. A 2 y/o 'living at home' literally just requires food and 'stuff', his other is in an expensive school and he has to pay CMS. He's putting in 40 k now fir a child that needs it, when he's payed off the mortgage he'll have freed up another say 20 k for the child who 'then' needs it.