DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

So:
~ He won’t allow you on the lease. You pay nothing so you cannot claim anything should you split.
~ He gets to use the house / mortgage as a giant stick to beat you with to ensure you shut up
~ He pays nothing for his child, and says you should earn more
~ But because he doesn’t contribute ( and you’re studying) you probably can’t move to more hours or a more demanding role, as you need to look after your child
~ You look after his older child so he can work, thus trapping you more
~ He MADE YOU AND YOUR CHILD SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS (😱)

This whole situation is like a flow chart where everything works to benefit him.

He is not a good man.

If he says you can't afford to move out, you say, "Actually, I can't afford to stay. Literally, I can't afford to live month to month when you are putting all your money towards a house that is in your sole name, leaving me to pay all the irrecoverable costs for our child as well as half your bills. You're building a secure financial future for yourself and I'm getting into debt.

OP, have you ever pointed the above out to him? That you simply can’t afford to live like this any more?

@wibblewobblequack just wondered how you are getting on? I felt so desperately sad reading about your situation. You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. Wish I was your friend and could offer some RL support!

This is so awful. I hope you can find a way through this OP - although it does sound like leaving him is the best option

In an ideal world it would be good if DP paid half the childcare and if he gave me a little bit of money towards DS every month just to help out with the bits I need for him and some outings/activities.

This paragraph made me feel very sad

^MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2023 15:39

When DSD stays with us I do the school runs, pick ups etc as I work closer and shorter hours than DP.

You were hired as Mrs. Right Now to facilitate his life and make things easy. He probably thinks the baby unplanned was to trap him and now you've trapped yourself.

No more facilitating his life if you aren't a partnership.^

@MrsTerryPratchett is always very insightful.

He could leave you tomorrow OP @wibblewobblequack What will you do then?

He sounds like a shit anyway, and sees you as the nanny.

This thread was started and 99% of the comments were from November 23.

I join the person who boosted it in January to wonder how you are getting on, OP, and to hope you are in or are working towards a better situation

He saw you coming OP, lived in your house rent free, but now after all the promises - he’s not letting you pay towards the mortgage and didn’t put you in the deeds!! Why didn’t you fight for this at the time, you most have known it was red flags at the time, of course he wasn’t going to put you on the deeds at a later date. So you haven’t got anything left from your house sale??

What a prick! On his wages he can afford to pay towards childcare and give you money for ds’s clothes, activities etc. He is his dad!!! Does he know you are struggling, and in debt. I know if it were me my partner would be horrified I didn’t tell him, and would want to help.

And can’t believe he wouldn’t watch him for an hour or so, while you went to the opticians!!!

you seem quite brainwashed by him OP. You’d be better off separated, and him paying CMS

When you say over 100k, how much over? Because if it’s on or around 100k, the figures his end don’t really stack up. His take home on 100k is about £5500 - £2500 for private school plus CMS doesn’t leave enough to pay for your child to be privately educated and to pay mortgage etc.

And no, it does not sound fair whatsoever. He’s not letting you pay towards the mortgage so you have no claim over the house. Then you’re spending all of your money on nursery fees leaving you no money to save towards buying an asset of your own. So you’re screwed all ways if the relationship ends.

You have a joint income of £180k (!!!) and you have to shop at Aldi and vinted and scrimp and scrape all with nothing legally in your name. He's done a real number on you there op, LTB.

So many red flags OP . You are leaving yourself very vulnerable especially Financially because you don’t want to be a single parent