DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

But it's not together is it? It's his house, in his name only. He can chuck you out at any point and you'd have nothing. You've left yourself in a very vulnerable position for a guy who is only interested in himself.

When you met you had your own home and probably more disposable income. He didn't own a home and would have had to look after his DD by himself.

Now he has a £500k home to himself, a maid and a nanny. You have less disposable income, 2 kids to look after and zero property.

He's absolutely played you!

I have tried talking about finances with him but he gets very cross with me as says I'm being unfair as he pays the mortgage.

In his view I have a very, very good deal.

OP, you desperately need legal advice, you're being severely financially exploited here. He's been very clever to have you pay towards everything but the mortgage.

@Laurdo sorry when we met he did have a home, it was a flat. He rented this out and came to live with me.

He paid off the mortgage on the flat and is going to sell it in the near future.

You are in such a vulnerable position. Stop paying half the bills and say it’s his contribution to childcare. You need to start saving as he could kick you out tomorrow.

This would be a valid point if you had any ownership rights but you don't.

He gets cross to put you off talking about it because he doesn't want anything to change. He said he'd put you on the deeds have you asked him why he hasn't done that yet? Tell him you want to contribute to the mortgage proportionately to your incomes and do the same with the rest of the bills.

I doubt this very much.
He has managed the last eight years to his significant financial advantage.
He can't possibly not have noticed this.

pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

you are a lodger /nanny
Nothing more
He won't pay childcare costs at all ?

Even so. He has 2 properties and you have nothing. How is that fair.

He's in a much better position since being with you whilst you're in a far worse situation. You do realise you could be homeless tomorrow?

I can't get over him not contributing towards his own child. He sounds awful!

You had a house but sold
He lived rent free
Now you have nothing, zero.
Stop paying half bills
Work out how to manage alone at least you can then get cms from him .

It sounds like you'll be better off financially living away from him, him having your DS a few days a week and paying you maintenance.

I'm sorry OP but this has been so sad to read. He is treating you appallingly. More like a live in nanny who also provides sex, rather than a partner. But worse. A live in nanny would get all her food paid for and a small weekly allowance. As well as time off.

Deduct his half of the childcare feeds from whatever you send him for the bills each month. If he wants half's on the bills he can damn well pay half of all of them

It's fair enough you don't pay towards his mortgage as you aren't named on it, thank your lucky stars there.

I'd think about whether life would be a whole lot simpler and nicer if you separated.

What a disaster. You have zero rights or legal protection, your boyfriend could boot you out of his house tomorrow. You need to get this sorted, either get married, go on the deeds, or if he refuses then you'll know where you stand and can dump him and claim child maintenance from him.

Fucking hell OP he's not putting a roof over your head he's just making sure you don't have a claim on the house! You pay half the bills on a fifth of his salary and all the childcare costs, what on Earth! He also has you as chief domestic, cooking, cleaning, sex and taking care of DSD as well as your 2 year old and doing school runs, to say he's having his cake and eating every fucking cake in the bakery too and slapping the crumbs out of your hand is a bloody understatement.

I can't believe he's convinced you he's putting a roof over your head, when he's protecting his own arse, whilst you've had to sell your only asset to manage through maternity (which he managed to cock lodge in too), he's a fucking monster.

How does "very cross" manifest?

He pays the house you pay the childcare would seem a fair split if it were rent....except he's accruing an asset and you're not. So while he's bunging all his spare cash into HIS house, you're struggling to get by and stand to walk away with nothing. Hardly a partnership is it.

Whose name are the bills in? Stop paying them immediately and start saving that money. Tell him you're recouping the childcare money he owes you.

Stop providing your unpaid labour for free in terms of chores/running around after DSD. Unpaid labour is only protected if you're married - if unmarried, never do more than your share. Get extra days at work if you can and leave your DS with him... he can either sort childcare or take time off.

Then you need to see a solicitor to see if you have any claim to the house - unlikely, but worth checking.

Claim CMS on the basis that you're separated but living under the same roof. Unless he is able to hide his earnings, that will be a significant amount per month.

Then look into benefits/ help with childcare costs you might be entitled to as a single parent.

With CM, benefits and help with childcare costs, you might end up better off. And it will take him a while to get you out of the house so you may manage to live rent/bill free until then and recoup some of what he owes you.

All things to consider.

My DSD is a lovely girl and I see us all as a family I would feel bad for her if I just stopped collecting her.

But her dad does not see you as family. He won't marry you, won't put you on the deeds for the house, doesn't contribute to your child, and happily watches you financially struggle while gaslighting you into thinking you have a good deal.

As others have said, you are a live-in housekeeper he can have sex with. He's made it very clear he wants no long term ties to you.

I can't believe he earns all that and you pay half of all bills

How have you ended up like this?

He doesn't believe that for a second!

When I sold my house I bought a new car (£10k) with the equity and paid off some debts. The rest of the equality I had to use to help get through my maternity leave as he didn't help with a penny towards that and I still had to pay half the bills and for food.

Oh fuck, OP… 😞

He’s a total cunt.

Sorry, I know that’s not helpful, I’m just so fed up with reading about awful, awful, substandard men and fathers.