DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

Yeah that's the point. He wants you to feel bad so you'll stop asking questions. If he actually saw a future with you and wanted you to feel secure he'd put your name on the deeds or marry you. Actions speak louder than words. If you're going to be together forever what difference would it make to him if your name was on the deeds? Surely he'd do it just to make you feel better and more secure right?

You are being a mug OP - he is taking the piss and needs to be called out on it. You would be better off leaving and calming maintenance from him!

OP maybe you'd be better off getting out with your child and getting CM from him?

He is taking you for a mug. Leave him and claim maintenance.

According to the CMS calculator, you should be due roughly £1,200 a month maintenance (if your DS stays with him 1 night a week).

I think you should be getting free hours when your child turns 3 which should help.

Add in whatever UC you will be due once you aren’t living with him.

You then need to look at whether you can live (rent, bills etc.) with your wages, the child support and the UC. If you can, I think you need to get out. It won’t get any better.

This.

OP, you feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable.

You should say something like this:

"DP, when we met I owned my own property which I had some equity in, my salary was enough to cover my mortgage and bills, I was able to work full time to support myself and I didn't have any dependents. Now I have no property of my own, no equity because I spent it funding my own maternity leave when you should have paid for half my costs because you are my baby's dad, and no money left at the end of the month because I am paying 100% of the nursery costs for the child that we share even though your income is about five times what mine is. I feel vulnerable because I am vulnerable. Yes I have a roof over my head but it doesn't belong to me because we are not married. You could change the locks when I am out at work tomorrow and there would be nothing I could do about it. If you died I would be up shit creek without a paddle. And yet you won't let me work towards any kind of financial stability or independence for myself because you refuse to contribute to nursery costs, which means I am wiped out at the end of the month and can't build up any savings in my own name. If you are serious about our relationship then I want to co own the property that we live in and you need to pay your fair share towards the cost of raising our child. If you refuse to do this I will have to assume that you don't want me to have any financial security in which case I will have to think about going it alone so I can claim child benefit and maintenance from you."

Is he self employed or does he have a regular PAYE-taxed job? If it's the latter you need to leave and claim CMS (and anything else you'd be entitled to). If it's the former you're in dire straits and need to come to a much fairer solution to your current arrangement. This is awful.

THIS

This is insane. You should be paying proportional to income for nursery fees, bills, and food. OP, I am in a similar situation (child, not on mortgage) to you and have been for 10 years, however, I pay significantly less for outgoings because I make less, this has allowed me to save a significant amount of money over the years. OP he is using you and putting you in a very vulnerable position. What a dick.

You keep talking about him banging on about 'all he does for you' but what exactly is that? I can see a lot of what he does for himself but you certainly would seem better off leaving and claiming maintenance.

He doesn't do anything with your son, doesn't pay towards care for him, expects you to do everything INCLUDING looking after his child that is not yours.

He lived with you and contributed fuck all, and basically took advantage of you in order to further his own finances. You spent the equity from your own house paying towards his bills and entirely supporting his child

Seriously op, you must be able to see how absolutely he has screwed you here? No wonder he gets all arsey when you try to talk about it, of course he knows what's he's doing, he'd just rather not have to justify being an absolute arsehole

This has got to be a joke. He earns 150k a year, is overpaying on the mortgage but you have 3k cc debts and are paying for all the childcare? Even when you only earn 30 year? And you’ve sold your own house and spent the equity?

I have no idea how you got into this terrible situation but you absolutely need to get out of it. Start by saying that he has to pay 50% of all costs relating to your DD, full stop, and keep him to it. If he refuses to pay for childcare tell him that you therefore are moving your DD down to 2.5 days a week and you expect him to be on hand to take DD for the rest of the time. Once he’s paid for this if he can still afford to pay the private school fees that’s up to him.

Take a second job at the weekend and tell him he’s on childcare duty for 1 day. Sell anything you can get away with and stop spending money on anything else- if he wants a takeaway he pays. Tell him to order the shopping, otherwise you don’t cook for him. Basically you’ve got to get yourself into a better financial position so that you can seriously threaten to leave if this doesn’t improve.

Basically, you're the live-in nanny, who the boss gets to have sex with. He has got it made.

You not so much.

He should be paying a proportionate amount for things - he is earning more than 3x as much as you! 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄 Even if that wasn't the case your child together is still his responsibility to clothe, feed, childcare (so that he and you can work!) etc, not just his older child...and the fact he is prepared to do this to someone that is supposed to be his partner and equal in life?! Either offer an ultimatum that there needs to be some serious change or you go.

You only have a good deal as long as he wants it to be. That’s the problem. If he ends the relationship you have no claim on any of it - and you’ve spent your equity.

If you left him he'd have to pay a fair whack of maintenance for your DS on that salary. I'd ask him to pay half of nursery fees so you can work if he refused I'd leave and make him pay child maintenance. He sounds really nasty.

Seriously, though, please hear what people are saying. He's taking you for a mug. Don’t let him any longer.

Open your eyes OP. He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't treat you like a paid help. Oh wait you are an unpaid help. Nothing more to him. He doesn't see a future with you because he wants to keep all his options open.

Saving to move out isn't something I can do. I'm in 3k CC debt trying to keep afloat.

You've got to stop paying half the bills.

Just say you can't afford it, you're getting into debt. It's fucking ridiculous that you live with a man who earns as much as he does and yet pay the same as he does for bills plus all the childcare.

Stop paying.

Leaving him is easier said than done, we've been together a long time. It's not simple to just walk?

I came from a broken home and I don't want the same for my son.

I think I do love DP, I don't think he's fundamentally a bad person. I made this post more to ask how I can help him see that this isn't right.

I'm just not sure I could/want to leave.

I do agree that I'm very vulnerable trust me I feel it and I should never have let it get to this point.

I'm up to 4pm and I could shake you op. Had to stop half way to post. I'm fuming on your behalf, you poor thing. You have been absolutely used, he completely and utterly saw you coming. I've 4 more hours to read and will be praying to God you've seen sense and what a complete and utter arsehole he's been to you by the end. I hope someone has worked out how to get you out of this mess with this horrible man.

Suggest paying bills in proportion to income.

He earns £150K
You earn £30K
so you should pay in proportion to that, not 50/50.

He should also at least be paying half of childcare as well.

I cannot imagine claiming to love someone and letting them sink into creditcard debt trying to keep up with bills for a more expensive house and a shared child.

You "think" you love him? Come on. Your home is already broken. DS has a dad who refuses to contribute towards his upbringing and has no respect for his mum.

'Of course I don't trust you because firstly, you're absolutely awful, and secondly, you haven't put me on the deeds, you colossal arsehole.'

I am afraid if I push too much or do something like that, that he will just kick me and my DS out

Wow. If you believe this, you must realise he doesn't love you.

If you know in your heart, he would kick his own 2yo out of his home, you can't stay with him.

You are worried about your son coming from a broken home. Your home is already broken 😔.

I came from a broken home and I don't want the same for my son

I'd say what your son is living in is broken