DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

Also on his salary and a £500k house value. I bet he is aggressively paying off his mortgage.

what will happen when the mortgage is paid off? What reason will he use to not pay towards his child?

How much is the mortgage that he pays each month?

Pretty sure that refusing to wear a condom for sex when you've asked him to then goes ahead without it classed as rape.

You absolutely should NOT put up with being treated like this just to keep a roof over your & DS head.

His high overheads (CM & school fees & mortgage for house that he won't put your name to), are NOT your problem. This man is quite literally USING YOU.

You are getting yourself more and more into DEBT because of him.

He's financially ABUSIVE and CONTROLLING.

You really must leave him.

I know it's hard, I've left an abusive man too, but I, and many others will tell you that your life will be so much better after. You probably don't feel like you're being abused, but us outsiders looking in can see it clearly. You are literally trapped, BUT you have a way out. Just stop transferring him half of the money for bills, STOP doing the food shopping. Tell him you've ran out of money!

If you can even get a loan from a family member for £2000 that would get you enough for a deposit and one month rent on a one-bed flat. That's all you need as you share with DS anyway. Then once you're back on track financially, which shouldn't take too long once you've left him, you can then look at buying somewhere.

Honestly, if you leave him ASAP, I reckon you'll be back on your feet in no time.

He may well be in a relationship with his ‘ex’ and he’s said to her you are the housekeeper/nanny hence her annoyance when you got pregnant?! Or if you don’t know where his money going he could well have another woman on go.
You can check school fees online. I can’t believe they are so high. If he’s lied re that what else is lies.
Is he open in social media about you and ds?
That said it’s all a side issue.
Please get some support and advice in real life Op and don’t bury head. You and your little boy deserve better.

Ask yourself whether he really left his ex. And indeed if there was an overlap with you that you may not have known about.

This sort of man often has a mistress, and may be once it was you. He seems narcissistic enough to be with someone else from what you describe.

Youre going to have to play the long game. Get your son into his free 30 hrs childcare once he turns 3. Continue to upskill yourself. Once you are no longer paying for nursery you should be able to save. Save as much as can, be as mean with money as he is. When you have enough saved away and you are earning more you can leave. Not sure what other options he has left you with.

@SuperGreens she won't get 30 free hours with her DP's income though surely, only 15 free hours? (I thought they factor in household income regardless of marriage status).

Supergreens: I don't know thr best tactic. I would be tempted to demand he pays for all of child care and groceries as he hasn't paid any yet, but as op said that might get her kicked out, although maybe not.

OP, Your partner only pays for things where he gets to retain his money, ie the house, his old house, whereas you pay for all the day to day sunk costs despite earning 1/5th of what he does. I wouldn't pick up the daughter anymore, say you can't afford the gas or time since you need to do your masters to earn more as you're destitude, and all the cooking and child care. I wouldn't cook for him or his daughter either, but I have too much of a temper for the long game. Honestly, I want to fly across the ocean and hit him hard with a frying pan.

He is so manipulative. When he lived in your house, did he pay for everything aside from the mortgage bc he was so lucky to live in such a nice house? Of course not. He gets angry at the suggestion of paying for gas for his own child bc "family" but won't pay for anything towards his own child despite him being family? What a contradictory hypocrite. And you having to sleep on a different floor so he never has to hear his son awake at night is absolutely appalling.

OP, just want to say that you're an amazing and capable person for juggling and managing all that you do. You don't need him.

He isn't "keeping a roof over your head". He is keeping you hostage. He has made it so you can't ever leave. He has made sure you have zero options. Not even with your sexual health. Refuse sex, he'll make you homeless. Refuse to look after his other child, he'll make you homeless. Speak up for yourself too loudly, he'll make you homeless.

You are being incredibly foolish to think if you just shut up and put up, you will be safe. You won't ever be safe. You have fewer rights than a lodger. All it will take is for him to have a bad day, and you'll be out on your ass. Get your head out of the sand and figure out a plan that doesn't involve pretending everything will be fine. You have a child now, you don't get to delude yourself anymore.

@Puzzledandpissedoff @MrsKeats @Dixiechickonhols @arethereanyleftatall

This is one to throw into the mix, maybe he is a compulsive liar?

For eg, he lies or exaggerated the amount of tuition fees he pays for his daughter's school? Like someone said previously, no private school fees are that expensive up north.

Or his job pays him a different amount than he states to the OP? Why is he so tight with money, if his salary is that high? He could hire a house cleaner and use childminder or part time nanny with that high salary.

Their almost sexless marriage and a previous person saying he is or will likely get it from somewhere else. What if he has some vice like OnlyFans, strip clubs, porn? Other woman?

Or maybe he's still married to ex legally, but they're separated, because he doesn't want to divorce as he would have to give her half assets?

Apart from him being an abusive partner, some more things just don't add up. I bet if OP did some detective work, it would open up can of worms.

For all you know, the only reason he is still with you is because he doesn't want to have to pay CM to you and sort out his other child himself. It's very convenient. That will likely change after he no longer has to pay CM for DD. He's clearly not too bothered about your relationship or being a family. So that gives you five-ish years to prepare yourself for getting the boot.

Hes an arsehole, but that's definitely not rape. Shes asked him to take responsibility of their contraception. Hes refused, she can decline the sex based on that. But if she doesnt that's not rape.

Agreed blue eyed peanut. It's in his best interest financially that she stays.

By which time she'll be up to her eyes in massive debt

And he might retire or work less.

This is one to throw into the mix, maybe he is a compulsive liar?

Entirely possible, and yes, I imagine some digging could easily reveal all is not as it's been presented

Trouble is I get the distinct impression that OP doesn't really want to know and that she'll go right on putting up wih this to stay in the "dream house"
And that's absolutely her choice to make of course, but what a way to live

Gosh this is one of the saddest relationship threads I’ve read in a while.

OP you’d have more money than you do now claiming child maintenance

Agreed magic
Could send a child to a boarding school for 30k a year.
It's all very suspicious.

Often schools have their fees posted online.

Time to say that you are going on the deeds now, tell him you will make an appointment with a solicitor and if he is not willing to do that then ask why he has been stringing you along?

Also time to say that either you get married (can do it quickly and cheaply) and pool finances or he is to cover half childcare costs and your respective contributions to the household to be done as a percentage of your income (so that whoever earns more pays more). If he won’t do these things then he doesn’t care about you so actually what use is he to you? If you split up you will get child maintenance and should he at least be willing to look after his child every other weekend you can use that time to work or study and improve your own earning potential.

I think you should do some calculations.

How much for a 2 bed rental, childcare (up to and including any free childcare - you'd likely get 30 free hours once DS is 3) etc.

Then, as you know his income, use the CMS calculator and look up universal credit. You should be able to come up with a pretty good idea of what leaving him would look like.

I wouldn't depend on earning more with your masters, unless you know that with decent certainty. If you need to wait to leave until your son is 3, do it then. But cut back on activities til then to lessen your cc debt.

This man is a shit. Do not stay.

THIS

OP, start by doing anything you can to keep money quietly. Don't do the food shopping: if you can send him and he will pay, then do that whenever you can. Tell him you can't afford petrol to get your DSD, so if he wants you to do that then he'll need to first put money in your account. Keep your petrol levels low so that you would have to fill up to go. Don't take your son to things you have to pay for. Look for free things like library sessions etc, or the lowest cost things possible. Do anything else you can think of to avoid paying for anything you don't absolutely have to.

Then get out as soon as you possibly can. This man is financially abusing you, and you and your DS will be better off away from him.

Time to say that you are going on the deeds now

Good luck demanding this if it hasn't already happened, but this bit isn't clear

OP said he'd suggested putting her on the deeds rather than the mortgage, but didn't respond to questions as to whether this actually happened

"When it came down to it though he said it was better for just him to take the mortgage and said he'd put me on the deeds later on but I don't think that will happen"

Shes said several times shes not on the deeds