DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

Sorry I've just been busy with the little one, trying to read all now.

@C1N1C I didn't say 100k, I said OVER 100k. I was trying to be vague but given the responses I thought I would just clarify how much it is. I'm not trying to bolster.

We obviously now live in a far nicer hoose than I could ever afford on my own. He does like to remind me of this, hence his thinking that I have it great.

But I live in a nice house that's not mine. I feel like I'm struggling and I'm poor.

I feel obliged to make it work because of my child.

I don't want to give up my job, it's important to me and surely I'd be even more insecure then? I really doubt he'd give me any "spending money".

I don't want to give up my job, it's important to me and surely I'd be even more insecure then? I really doubt he'd give me any "spending money".

Definitely don't give up your job. You'd be completely trapped then. This is not someone you want to be dependent on.

I just can’t understand why you would entertain this behaviour

I guess none of us like to think that those who we've put our trust in and committed to building a life with (and what greater commitment can there be then having a child together, which is essentially a tie between you for at least 18 years if not life?) would screw us over. So I can completely understand how one thing led to another, with the OP feeling increasingly uneasy, until she woke up one day and said "hang on a minute...".

I know deep down I've messed up.

When I met him I viewed him as a good man that went over and above for his child. He seemed so decent.

It's only since we've had our own child that the disparity has dawned on me.

The pregnancy wasn't planned, but he said he supported me in whatever I chose.

He sees childcare as my issue, never got a straight answer as to why. He always defaults to the fact that he pays for the house.

I actually believed him when he said he was working and saving for our future together.

He was never married to DSD mum and if I asked about marriage he would just say he loves me but he's never wanted to be married.

Why are the household bills split 50/50 but nursery fees aren't? Surely it's 50/50 of both at the very least?

But I agree he's using you op.

I love my DSD she truly is a lovely girl and she is my DS sibling, he loves her to pieces and I'd never want to punish her or make her feel like I didn't care about her by not collecting her or making her feel different to DS. It's not her fault her parents have chosen the education they have for her.

When you sold your house was it with the idea you'd be buying together? I can't get over why you'd sell it otherwise. You could have rented it out and had it to fall back on. If you did think the new house was going to be joint at the point you sold it, and he's also talked about putting your name on the deeds since buying it I'd definitely talk to a solicitor in case you can make a claim on it. At this point there's nothing else to lose.

@Goldbar that's exactly how it feels, it crept up on me.

I'm not sure why he won't split nursery at least 50/50 but expects other bills to be. It's like anything to do with DS is my responsibility.

I feel like DS and I are second class citizens.

Saving to move out isn't something I can do. I'm in 3k CC debt trying to keep afloat.

For the poster that asked, I am safe. By cross I mean just verbal argument. Calling me ridiculous, ungrateful, probably moving onto the silent treatment after.

I had similar with my ex. Fell in love with him because he was a great dad to my step kids. Moved in together and he wouldn't share finances. I was his free maid and nanny for his house and step kids. Our baby was planned and the disparity shocked me! I have no idea why he wanted a baby and treats baby so different. I think he thought I'd be trapped if I had a baby. Well I left. Now he pays me maintenance (slightly more than CMS says he owes) and I feel so well off because I became use to paying for everything when we were together. Initially he never saw the baby but now he does a bit and I suspect the next younger skinny pre baby bodied woman is being suckered by how good a dad he is and being lined up to act as nanny housekeeper for my child.

IMO childcare is a household bill. Raise it with your partner that he needs to contribute. Point out while you love DSD you are not her parent and you are doing school runs etc. Your career is being impacted by childcare responsibilities and his isn't. Maybe a conversation will sort the problem. Maybe you should inform him you will be paying for 2.5 days childcare and you will be leaving child with him the other days or he can pay the childcare. Even 50/50 isn't really fair with the difference in your wages. If he agrees to this I'd then consider your future security and push for marriage. But don't stay if you have no money each month just to be taken advantage of and treated as a skivy. I'm immensely better off financially now I'm single- because I get child benefit 25% off council tax and the maintenance.

I feel obliged to make it work because of my child

I'm not sure what sex your child is, but if she's a girl, how would you feel if she got herself a bloke who financially abused her and allow her to become extremely vulnerable?

Her dad already treats her like shit and she's a baby really.

She will grow up thinking that this is how relationships function.

If your child is a boy, he is being treated like shit by his dad while he's very young. He will grow up thinking making women weak in relationships is normal and will repeat the pattern of his dad, treating his own child as baggage.

If you do anything for your child, please show them what healthy relationships are and that they can escape toxic situations if they want to.

You are bring your kid up in a fucked up dynamic which is only going to get worse the longer you stay.

... and this folks is the scenario where you check and triple check your contraception cover and then get the MAP sorted if there were ever to be an 'accident' .

OP is completely screwed because she needs to pay for and give time to a child that her 'd' p pays no financial part in raising. Putting a roof over your head is bollocks .. he would pay for the house anyway with just him in it - but this way you subsidise him with food and bills and then compound the lunacy by taking his child to school and facilitating his ability to earn the big bucks for his own pocket .

Ask him to put you on the house deeds . Hell - tell him how financially vulnerable you feel. A good man would care about those things . A twat who is feathering his own nest would not . If it's the latter then leave but leave with all the financial info to make and pursue a chunky CMS claim .

You need to deduct 50% of nursery costs plus a reasonable amount fir your joint child from the amount you pay for bills. Don't ask just for permission just do it and say moving forward you have to pay fir bith of your children. Secondly you need to clear the cc and start saving towards a deposit. He is nit guaranteeing your future so you need to. If he argues just repeat I need to guarantee my own future and you need to pay for your child. Don't argue don't go into detail just repeat the same mantra. If you don't respect yourself he absolutely won't.

@theunbelievabletruth when I've told him I feel vulnerable he turns it around and makes out that I don't trust him and acts greatly offended after "all he does for us", I then feel bad.

@Tontostitis I am afraid if I push too much or do something like that, that he will just kick me and my DS out.

I have no money and nowhere else to go if he does this so I am afraid of rocking the boat as I know how trapped I am.

Stop being such a mug, DSD is not your responsibility, you are being financially abused and used.

You are being really exploited here. You'd be financially and in also in terns of childcare, better off if you left him. Have you pointed that out to him? Whereas he'd be much worse off financially if you left him. He'd still have to pay his own bills but on top of that he's have to pay half childcare, child support to you, a maid or cleaner to do the jobs you are doing round the home for free, and childcare like school drop offs that u are doing for free for him ATM.
Absolutely ridiculous that he's on 150k and contributes nothing to childcare of one of his own children. Ridiculous you are paying 50% of bills when he earns so much more than you and you are doing majority of housework. He's got quite the setup going on here for himself.

Absolutely this, plus if you insist on continuing to run around for your DSD calculate the time yiuvdoend on it and bill him at local childminder rates. Similarly for other household chores only you are doing.

And it's fkn disgusting that he'd rather kick his own 2yo child out of his home rather than consider contributing to childcare costs to make things fairer for you.
What an arsehole.
Please start making plans to leave. It might be hard at first for you but in the long run your life will improve. This is exploitation.
You will be eligible for a lot of government help as a single parent nor living with someone who earns 150k.. in fact you'll probably get some free nursery hours. Look into it. Start researching what you could do and what your options are. How much would it cost to rent somewhere.. do you have friends or family who might help you?
Honestly don't waste your life being conned into thinking this man is doing you any favours. Maybe you are living in a nicer house right now that you couldn't afford alone but the expression 'gilded cage' comes to mind

Bet he couldn't wait to move in rent and bill free.

Red flags all over the place I'm afraid op.

This is so sad. Your DP is making £150k and you're getting yourself into debt just to keep your head above water? Who does that to their partner, to the mother of their child? Truly awful.

In a true partnership, married or not, there should not be just one partner scraping by. Regardless of who makes what, you're both contributing what you can whether that be financially, in childcare or house keeping. You should both have equal amounts of money left over after bills for little treats here and there.

Christ. This is one of the worst money posts I've read on here.

You let him live with you for free and then you spent the equity from your house on a car and self funding your maternity leave, and now you have no home, no money and no chance of saving anything because you're paying 100% of the nursery costs for your shared child out of your salary alone?

I don't even know what to say. Have you calculated how much maintenance he'd have to pay if you left him?

Can you calculate the mortgage payments and the bills and see what a proportional payment would look like to see if that tallies with what you are paying in childcare and clothing for your son?
Obviously pointless if he’s going to be all huffy and trot out the ‘you should be so grateful’ card. You’re in penury and should be grateful, right?
Sounds like he is being massively unfair and channeling the majority of his money for his own personal benefit at a terrible cost to you.

Bear in mind that if you left him you'd be able to claim child benefit too.

This is awful. You don't have a roof, it's not yours, and if it all fell apart tomorrow you would only get CMS. That said, on 150k you'd get it Court ordered instead because of his income.