DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

How do you contribute to the bills? Do you pay half and he pays half or do you transfer him a set amount each month - in that case you could argue it's also a contribution to the mortgage but I imagine he's too clever for that. He's using you to save money and facilitate him seeing his daughter. He isn't bothered about you or your son.. doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want you to benefit from his house, isn't home to see your son, doesn't want to provide the same for him as his daughter (school). Hell would freeze over before I let someone do this to my child op

@Deathbyfluffy putting her on the deeds does not mean she'd have to pay half the mortgage though.
OP has utterly financially fucked herself, choosing to get rid of her own property, spend all her equity and now is dependent on this shit bloke to house her as he financially abuses her and her kid.

What do you mean by “very cross”? What does that look like? Are you safe?

The younger child needs stuff now, not after the mortgage is paid off. Childcare, clothing, food, enrichment activities etc. He is responsible for that stuff too.

What a very unpleasant, scheming man. He has no intention of any real commitment to you. Not allowing you to contribute towards the mortgage is obviously done to block any claim you could have on the house. Get rid as soon as you are able.

Regardless, that is not going to be 40k... I get what you're saying, but there will always be an imbalance until school starts. It's not that he's 'not' paying for that child... the money is just called something else.

OP has stated she's not allowed to pay mortgage. Say he takes that 10k he's putting towards mortgage and puts it into the 2 y/o and lets OP put that into the mortgage... same money.

Holy fuck OP!

As a bare minimum stop paying towards any joint bills and household expenses.
Stop doing shit to look after HIS assets.

Your maternity leave wasn't a fucking jolly. No way should you have had to run down your capital for that. You need to build it back up pronto.

Good grief, he's done a number on you.

Charge him for childcare...actually, just leave his selfish arse and claim maintenance.

If this is real then I can't understand why you pay for childcare for your child and it isn't shared.
Why are you doing childcare for his child when he does none for your joint child
work full time - split childcare costs - don't be his unpaid nanny for his older child
or even better just leave and claim child support
crazy what women tolerate

Do not quit your job. You will be even worse position long term
You are on your own
He will not want to marry you too much to lose financially

Holy shit, OP. This is really bad! You must not swallow his nonsense about you having 'a good deal'. It's him that has a good deal. You are just the domestic help.

No one says he should be paying 40k for the baby. He should be paying his share of the expenses. He doesn't pay a thing. That is not an "imbalance".

OP has stated she's not allowed to pay mortgage. Say he takes that 10k he's putting towards mortgage and puts it into the 2 y/o and lets OP put that into the mortgage... same money.

It's really not the same money at all. The house is his investment, not the OP's. He is investing 10k in his own pocket and paying nothing towards the child. If the OP was paying 10k towards the mortgage she would gain something from that AND only be paying half the costs for the child.

I'm sorry but you are an utter utter fool. He is massively screwing you over.

After reading so many posts like this... I am wondering if penises have some sort of magical properties to confound even the most capable, intelligent and educated women (i myself have been known to make poor decisions in such contexts, so no judgement). more research should be done on this.

I am truly sorry for what you are going through OP. please see him for what he is. if you want to stay with him, he should marry you. otherwise, you will permanently in this position. he should pay 4/5ths of all bills including childcare. that would be the MINIMUM. currently you are not getting anything, but he is extorting you

Only if her name is on the property deeds
Shd has zero claim (unless spends ££££ on lawyer to claim beneficial interest and she does not have ££££ )

He's put you and you've allowed yourself to be in a very tenuous position.

If he is prepared to treat you like this then you should really consider whether you should stay with him.

Leave get your own house and claim the maintenance off him.

Jeez, but he will have a house at the end of it - while you have given up yours and spent the equity on maternity leave to have your child together? For whom he barely contributes?

You've got into a right mess here, OP.

I’ve only been on Mumsnet for about 6 months but there is literally a post similar to this every single week without fail. Man won’t share finances, woman paying for everything for the child and she isn’t on mortgage or deeds. It’s almost unbelievable.

So he lived with you but didn’t contribute to mortgage and bills despite earning £150k. He said you were going to buy a house together after you sold yours but somehow ended up buying one all by himself and won’t let you contribute to the mortgage?
And despite him earning £150k you spent your savings on your maternity leave and pay for everything for your son.

I just can’t understand why you would entertain this behaviour. The biggest red flag would be him buying the house alone, surely that would be ringing alarm bells for you??

He pays the mortgage to HIS house. Omg this is crazy get yourself out of there

Unless you see a future in which you are both in the same, fair position...as well as your child...I would seriously think about a future without him.
If he hasn't appreciated you and your son by now, it's unlikely this will ever happen. You may both be better off if you left him. I'm also gobsmacked that he hardly sounds any time along with your son.

So he earns 150k - depending on pension contributions, takes home maybe 6-7k a month. Overpays a mortgage on a 500k house so let's guess 2k a month, 2.5k a month on school fees, whatever maintenance costs say another 1-2k - that's almost all of his salary gone. Are you sure he's actually spending that much?!

I’d be leaving and putting in a claim for cms

he doesn’t sound like a great partner or dad so I’d stop wasting my time with him

oh no what a mess - start arranging how you will get your own place and move out - you could end up with nothing here

live on your own with your child and claim maintenance from him - you'll be better off

I don't suppose by any chance you have a parent or sibling with a spare room?
He flat out lied to you to entice you to the big house. Call it changing the goal posts. He is being vague because he doesn't want to admit his plans don't include you. He is treating you so shabbily and his child too.

One advantage of not being married is you can leave, claim UC and get CM. Your 30K is not to be sniffed at.