To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

i think having equal control over family income would be a good start to you feeling more empowered

you’ve got a busy year ahead of you when new baby so i doubt you’ll spend much time feeling guilty then.

use the time to explore good nurseries

and then return to work 🤷‍♀️ . How likely though i. same industry?

how old are your other children?

The pair of you are minted. Hire a bloody nanny to do the school runs and wrap around child care and you can go back to work. Part time if you want to balance spending time with your children around their school hours. And you don't HAVE to wait until your youngest is a year old, you have choices.

Why the fuck is replacing a broken kettle not a household expense?

First world problems.

He's giving you such a tiny proportion of his income that I don't think you need to feel guilty! Going back because you miss it and have something to offer is a better reason.

So, 800K and you haven’t thought that your conundrum might be solved by hiring a nanny?

80k is a great salary and you were working for many things other than "fun". As PP says, the obvious solution is to get a nanny and there's no reason you can't. Have this third baby then pay for childcare and get yourself back on the ladder, as much or as little as you care to. You are really, really not trapped.

We could have done this in the first place but the whole reason we didn't is because we don't want our children to grow up with barely ever seeing their parents and spending all their time with nannies.

does your husband know about the £160k
and if you’re eaten up with guilt about this… start donating it. Seems pretty straightforward to me

So that’s how you see families who do use nannies and nursery?

Nice!

You are creating a mountain out of a molehill

and i can’t really fathom why

attention?

You can literally do anything.

Hire a PT nanny and get a PT job. I can't believe you haven't thought of that already. Or why you seem to believe that using any paid childcare at all equates to your children "barely seeing their parents".

You do not need to feel guilty. He should feel guilty that you don’t have equal access to your family’s money.

You aren’t spending ‘his’ money. It’s both of your money, because you have facilitated his career by being his partner and freeing him up to work all of those hours by looking after the children and keeping the house. If he had had to do his share of those tasks he couldn’t have advanced to where he is. He has been entirely reliant on your support and your sacrifice to get to where he is in his career, and the rewards are equally yours to reap.

By all means go back to work when your baby is old enough for childcare if it will fulfil you and make you happy, but please stop feeling like you aren’t an equal contributor to your family’s success when you are the reason your husband was able to put in the time and effort he did to get to where he is.

🤨🤨🤨

@bitchatty I never said that. I know some people don't have a choice but we were lucky enough to be in a position to choose and chose not to.

What a nutty suggestion given the vast inequality in their finances. OP may well be in desperate need of this money someday.

Why not go part time?

Did slightly chuckle that your measly 80k wage went on little things. You have enough money to get some childcare and work if you want.

Why on earth do you have an allowance? It's so humiliating, being paid by your husband as if you are a member of his staff. Your household income is very high and so even after mortgage, saving for future school fees etc there must be a significant discretionary surplus left over. Who decides what happens to it? Do you have viability of it?

My DH is a high earner (no where near yours though) and I earn a decent salary, although less than my potential because we both need my role to be flexible to fit in with family life. All our financial planning is done jointly (including maxing out my pension, for example) and all spending comes from a joint pot.

Exactly this. What if one day (hopefully never) we divorce and then I'm left with nothing. Nowhere to live, no money.

Have you spent all your £160k savings?

Your husband earns 800k after tax and only gives you access to 30k of it? And calls it an allowance?

Do you know think you would feel better about the situation if you both had equal access, equal opportunities to save and equal say in what it was spent on?

At the moment he's getting a cheap live in nanny and housekeeper.

Theres two questions that popped in to my head-

• are you feeling guilty/wanting to go back to work as you or he views the money as 'his'? So going back to work would earn you your own? It may be you need to sort out more transparency in where your family money is - are they in joint accounts, investments you know about and could access, does he pay in to a pension for you etc? The solution may not be retuning to work, but him making you feel an equal part of the money decisions etc. if you were to split would you be treated fairly financially?

• or do you actually miss working and having something outside of family life to do ? If its this rather than the money then id enjoy the next year or two with your baby and then get a nanny and go back to work, even if its part time.

If its just to have something to do and not money related, is there anywhere you could volunteer?

If you ever divorce think of the settlement. It would be massive.

Is this thread a wind up?

An allowance? Are you 12 years old?

You have option OP, so many of them.

You could study for a qualification. Take up a creative hobby. Learn a language or musical instrument. You could find a good nursery or nanny and find something part time that may not pay a lot but be fulfilling. You could volunteer for something. You could start up a business of your own that you can flex around the children and do as much or as little of you’d like. You could invest in a business that you put a manager in charge and run as the owner, again setting your hours as you’d like.

You have money to invest plus you don’t need it to make money. Become an artist. Or proficient pianist. The world is your oyster.

For all the people making unnecessary comments if you don't have anything helpful to say then please leave the thread.