To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

If you want to spend time with the children but work as well could you do something yourself from home, but hire a childminder/nanny so you have some time work to?

I left a great job as an editor in publishing to look after my baby because I reckoned I wasn't just the womb I wanted to be involved with the development of my child. I discovered that it was far harder than going out to work. You have to structure and discipline yourself and your day..you have to do it all. No great ego strokes either. It's tough. When the youngest was starting school, I took a four-year degree which gave me summers and flexibility. Then I went back into full time work when youngest was eight. They're grown up now. I'm so glad I didn't opt out of that one. It is hard. really hard. But you won't regret it. Every day they change. I never felt guilty. And don't you.

Exactly. On Mumsnet women are advised to be married in case it goes tits up and even when they are married they are told they need to work or they could end up with nothing.

Was your husband just the sperm?

Go for what makes you feel alive.
If thay is working even if for fun, don't hesitate!
Staying home will kill you slowly.

Good luck! 😊

Seriously 800k ?
even if you Ment 80k
you need to think of other people who are struggling !

Try living off ssp of £104 a week for 6 months due to major surgery and not being able to get 1p of help cause we have a mortgage and my hubbie works earning under 30k a year !!!!!

I hear you!
I went back to work part-time when my little boy was 3. It was a good balance between enjoying being a mum and enjoying the different challenge of work.
My husband is a higher earner, we didn’t need the money but I needed to do it for me.
I’d worked since I was 17 and was used to being financially independent. Relying on someone was difficult for me. Being good at my role gave me confidence and assurance, that I missed.

Being without money can be horrible , but having money isn’t always enough to feel fulfilled as a person. Follow your happy!
x

yes to stop feeling like this you need to get back to work. Or you need to come with terms that you do value being there for your children more than not having to take money from your husband. You can’t have both.

maybe try to invest some of the money you have aside? Something that would bring you some income but leave you free? It won’t be all you need so still dependent but maybe it will help?

good luck 👌🏼

this. My first response was "WTF? he calls it an allowance" For many years when we were first married when I didn't work. DH was in the merchant navy and he wanted me to travel with him which I loved, so I did. This meant he was the sole earner and he shared his salary with me. he never called it an allowance though!

Not wanting them to not see their parents but you're the only one they see? Nah, go back to work.

I'm on £88k and I'm a single mum with not much support.

He's definitely not using 'creative accounting' although he works with some who do. He definitely does not have the heart to do that.

Works in the financial sector and he is not the CEO of Sainsburys as one poster asked.

He pays around 700k in tax, about 23k on school fees, three mortgages, holidays and wages for housekeeper, two gardeners that come twice a week and pool maintenance. He invests some and I'd say the majority goes into savings for the children and future school fees. As they get into senior school and if they board it can rack up to about 45-50k per child. Posters banging on at me for assuming we don't donate to charity will be pleased to hear we do!

I understand OP. When on Mat leave I felt the urge several times to stand up and shout “I’m more than just a mother!” Because the people there didn’t know me as anything else.
I think you need to find a new you. You were a worker and wife. Now you’re a mother and wife and you obviously need more than that.
like others have said you could look for part time work or volunteering, or root out those old hobbies you used to love (I’m sure we all have them that we’ve lost in parenthood). Join the sports team, drama club, writing group.
I don’t get the impression it’s a job you want but an identity that’s just YOU. Personally I found I got myself back when DC were 3. You haven’t got to that stage with having a 3 year gap each time. It will happen though, please don’t worry.
You will get there. Just try not to let it take any joy from your new baby.

Didn't you say that he doesn't spend much?

I think we have a different definition of what that is.

You've been on this thread since the start criticising me about everything I do or say. You're obviously just jealous and have nothing better to do than be rude to others. Please just leave the thread if you have nothing helpful or kind to say.

And FYI, two are nearly paid off as at the time we couldn't afford to buy outright and probably still wouldn't be able to.

In terms of luxury items or expensive clothes we don't. It's mostly fees, bills or savings. We do holiday quite a bit though so I guess that is spending a fair amount but nothing crazy as we own a house abroad.

You would definitely have a lot to offer any charity and this could be a way to bridge the gap between not doing anything and working.

Why the 🤔? Someone with £800k take home will be on about £1.5m gross and will pay about £700k in tax.

We also have different definitions of luxury items.

A house abroad is a luxury item.
Private school might not be an item but it is a luxury.

Come on now,

@SouthLondonMum22
Those are luxury items you're right. I was more talking about expensive clothes/jewelry. We don't spoil our kids, they get a normal-ish budget for Xmas and bdays |(around 300).

The jealousy and bitterness on this thread are unbelievable.

Is there something you enjoy doing OP that you could start as your own business, so you can run it part time around your kids?

Why does she need to think about other people struggling? Why is that when someone has money, there are some on MN who resent it, and feel that the person shouldn’t enjoy the money, but should feel forever guilty that there are others who are a lot poorer? Op might donate to charities, food banks etc. we don’t know. And even if she doesn’t, that’s her business.

Guessing as you have all the answers, and seem to think you’re more ‘savvy’ than him, that you are also living off 800k, or thereabouts, a year? If not, then clearly he is the more savvy, and must be doing something right….