To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

I don’t understand as it sounds like you have the freedom.

I mean at the moment he’s taking about 65,000 a month

take your pick really

Is he the ceo of Sainsbury’s?!? Who was recently spoken about by an MP

Yeah and this is exactly the problem with feminism. Don't read this book, this tells you, you have to feel like this.

As Another poster have said, maybe it's about not feeling productive and I think that's because the world (incl bloody Betty and friends) tell us that we're not productive and 'wasting our talents' and that it's degrading living of a man.
I would encourage you to change your mindset a bit and remind yourself of the important work you are doing. Of the gift that your children are receiving that many children do not have the privelege of. And if you can volunteer or do something small from home, do. I wish the world would stop telling SAHM that they are somehow better of at work.

Sounds like you have lived in the shadow of men for too long: working for Daddy's company, then not working and keeping home for working Husband.

What is it YOU want, OP? Separate from the husband, the children, the incredibly privileged background; what do you, as a woman, actually want?

@isthisthenorm can I just mention to you that many many years ago I worked full time as a nanny for a very well off couplexwith 2 small children (3 and 8 months) I presumed the woman had a job but nope she didn't- she dabbled in this and that , met friends, did courses that interested her, went to talks and exhibitions, but didn't have a paid job- however in all honesty she did take over almost every day at 4pm - and seemed to have an interesting life-and I think this was enough for her - they had a housekeeper too!! She certainly didn't feel guilty and she did have a fair bit of time with the children too.

OP you’re in such an amazingly fortunate position.

Just get a job which offers the right number of hours for you and use childcare. Or if you can’t find a job with the right working pattern then just volunteer. It’s not like you need the money.

You have the luxury to do whatever you want OP.

Loads of great suggestions for volunteering, part time work, lots of choices

I'm jealous.

Sorry no advice, but just out of curiosity can you vaguely say what line of work he is in to earn that much? Best wishes for your new baby :)

Not having enough money is not the issue, I could ask him for 200k a year and he probably say yes. It's more the freedom.

In the nicest possible way OP the freedom thing is entirely in your own head.

Why do you not see this money as equally yours? You have made it possible.

Investment banker/hedge fund/other similar finance role or management consultant or law partner.

@AutumnNamechange DH works in finance.

But YOU CAN HAVE the freedom….the world is your oyster. Whatever it is you want to do just go out and do it

im really confused as there is no barriers to it. Nothing stopping you.

But in terms of what you could do, what about going back to work part time? I wouldn’t give up my job even if we won the lottery. Yes I’d go part time, but I love my jobs (we both work 2) and they’re a huge part of who I am so I completely understand you wanting to go back.

edited because I have now seen the update, it wasn’t loading properly

Why is there this perception that "hiring a nanny" and "barely seeing your children" are synonymous? You can hire a nanny for eight hours a week. You can hire a nanny for sixty hours a week but spend fifty of them hanging out with them and the DC. People are suggesting a nanny because, if you can afford it, which she certainly can, it's basically the childcare gold standard: one stable, highly competent person who comes to you, can do extra duties WRT DC, work when they are sick, etc.

The CEOs or Sainsbury’s. Tesco have that kind of yearly wage. With 5 million bonuses every year….

it does happen

You chose not to.

You chose to give up work.

You can choose to increase your paid childcare and return to work.

Your husband could choose to decrease his hours if he thinks more parental childcare is needed. You've made all the career sacrifices so far.

You can literally do whatever you want to do with that sort of income.

Get some therapy, stop wallowing and make your own decisions. Find something that fulfils you and do it. Who cares if you’re not even earning much doing it? Just do something for crying out loud. Splash out on a decent Nanny, work part time in Tesco, study for a PhD. Who cares - the fact you are doing nothing about your situation when you have infinite options and still moaning is just distasteful when most people are struggling to pay rent.

I thought this thread was going to be about a disabled person who wanted to work but couldn’t. No, just about someone in the 1% who thinks they’re hard done by. Your perspective on the world is just ridiculous.

Where did you meet? Asking for a friend.....

Want to swap?

I mean, honestly, OP. I'm a firm believer in everyone's lives being stressful in their own ways but this is so not a problem I almost can't believe this thread is real.

The money isn't the issue – you've clarified you have full access to the joint account and the £30k is simply your "fun money". The issues is that you're bored being a SAHM. It's okay to admit that! I would be too! But the difference is that most of the rest of us don't have a choice – either we can't afford not to work, or we can't afford childcare to enable us to work. But with £160k saved and an extremely high-earning husband, you have choices galore.

You seem to think your only two options are "stay home full time with the children" or "go back to an incredibly stressful full time job and never see them". But that's bollocks. Get a childminder or nursery places for a few days a week and work part time, or study, or volunteer! Hell, you could afford to hire a full time nanny but only use them a few days a week when you fancy it!

Flipping 'eck, what does you DH do? CEO of a Russell group University? And how did you spend £160k? Your £30k allowance is more than many peoples yearly salaries (ok I mean mine).
You are pretty rich by some standards OP.

Get a nanny, and find a job you like once your 3rd baby is born. No need to feel guilty.
Even if you and husband divorce it is extremely unlikely you'll be left with nothing, nigh on impossible in fact.

♥️

What pension arrangements have been made for you @isthisthenorm ?

Are you worried about what your husband's reaction would be if you got a job ? You shouldn't be but that may be the reason for you not actually doing anything about your wants and needs.

Perhaps an online chat with a careers coach would be helpful. They can help with volunteer roles too.

Why can't you work 2/3 days a week?

I wish the world would stop telling SAHM that they are somehow better of at work.

To be fair, I don’t think anyone’s said that. It’s OP who says she ‘misses work so much.’

OP you’re in a wonderful position, you can do whatever the hell you want. What do you like doing? You can work, study, or volunteer.