To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

Maybe I have a different viewpoint here but here we go.

He gives OP £30K a year. OP doesn't say what thats for. All houshold expenses, bills, stuff for kids could all be taken out of a joint account and that £30K is her private 'fun money'. When she said she wanted to go back to work to earn more, he freely offered to give her more if money was the problem. He doesn't seem to be particularly restrictive.

People saying well why doesn't all money go into a joint account - well then he'd see what she's spending it on! She has a decent chunk of money to spend on whatever she wants, he doesn't appear to be trying to oversee what she spends it on. I don't really see any red flags here.

Maybe he doesn't understand what OP has an issue with and they need to communicate better. If its not knowing much about finances yes she should know more about them. If its wanting to earn money for herself then they can look at hiring someone so OP can work even part time. With having her 3rd soon maybe look at other things to do. E.g. run some baby groups or something to make some friends, support other new mums, get some adult contact.

You do realise that children of low and average earners are likely to see much less of their parents than your kids see even if their father? There are parents out there working two or three jobs to put food on the table. Or lorry drivers who spend weeks driving around Europe and only get home the odd weekend. I could go on. I share your husbands bafflement. What is it you actually want?

You should go back to work if you want to. You're not feeding off him, you're a family, but if you're lacking a sense of independence and meaning, work might give you that. Certainly doing something is the answer. You could set up a charity, or get involved in politics, or become a magistrate. Something that is about action and not about money, because as you've found, money isn't everything.

You're about to have a baby though so maybe give yourself a break for a bit. You're a worthwhile human being just because you are.

People saying you’re unreasonable are just jealous.

Say yes to the higher allowance, set up a charity or foundation, or become a trustee. It sounds like you’re bored.

Ok so it sounds like you have plenty of access to and knowledge about the family money. Good.

The problem then is your guilt at spending “his” money - like I say, I do not regard it as his money at all, he has earned it only because you agreed to do virtually all his share of the domestic stuff. This is solveable with a mindset change.

And your boredom/frustration at not working. Harder to fix. Yes you could just hire a nanny but there’s a lot a nanny doesn’t do, so you’ll still be juggling a bunch of domestic stuff alongside your job, and undoubtedly you will have less time with the DC than now. No way round that. Really the question is how much you want to work and is it worth the added stress and reduced time with DC. Nobody can answer this for you. Nice to have the choice.

I would get a full time live in nanny housekeeper on that wage. Pay her well and treat her with respect and she will stick around for years so your kids get consistency and won't be affected by changes in care giver. Depending on your set up I've seen nannies given a house on the grounds or the Grannie annex type accommodations and if you allow them to have a partner and their kids they can stay for years and years.

If you put it in the job description they will do all kids washing and even yours and the cooking etc. Then you can spend every minute you are at home with the kids.

Volunteer work is what I would do if money wasn't an issue.

My ex didn't earn as much as you guys but I got an allowance and it's disrespectful. You say you have access to the money so don't think of it as an allowance its spending money- you are equal partners.

Don’t women in this position usually set up a little business (often non profitable) or do some sort of ‘fun’ volunteering for charity eg organising fundraising dinners? You have the money to do whatever you want, with as little input as you want. Your kids would hardly suffer if you had a nanny one day a week.

i was waiting for someone to spout this

as i say way upthread. My ex very very high earner, and i previous to stopping work was also a high earner

No “jealousy” whatsoever from any posters from what i’ve seen

Anyone with even the most superficial understanding of divorce law would know that this was an impossible outcome after 10 years of marriage, 3 kids and you giving up your job. How on earth were you earning 80k before but don’t have the intellectual capacity to understand that?

exactly

so much 🤔 about this OP

Our incomes are different to yours op but I earnt equally to my DH and on my second mat leave I had no pay so relied on his wage. I understand the feeling of inadequacy and of losing part of yourself.

You don't say what industry / job you were in and whether you'd be able to get back into this, or if that's even the role you'd want to do.

If I were you I'd be using this 3rd maternity period to firstly enjoy the new baby and adjust to life as a family of 5 - you know from having your second that the older ones will need transition and support to this too.

Then once you feel more settled, as pp has suggested I'd ask for a more equal control over household finances - make it feel less like you are getting an allowance (you aren't 13) and more like a joint agreeemnt "this is the money for the month, X goes in the bills pot and covers these things, Y goes in each of our fun pots for treats / evenings out / gifts for each other at birthdays etc and Z goes into family savings and holiday pot" as an example.

Then I'd start looking for something you can do for you. You have the luxury of choice - you can wait for it to come around or wait for it to turn a profit of that's your goal.
Do you want to be employed? If so what doing and what hours :/ practicalities. Then search for and wait for this role knowing what your childcare requirements are for it. Eg I want to be a finance manager within 20 min drive of home 3 days a week or 10-3 only

Or would you like to work for yourself? Could you retrain or offer your existing skills on a consulting basis with consistent childcare for 2/3 days between 9 and 4 to allow you to do the actual work?

Or is it having "value" to your time and do you want to volunteer?

Once you work out what you want you have the lucky position of knowing you can wait to find it and be picky about the childcare option you use to make it viable.

Best of luck - and ignore the posters here who will tear you a new one for having a high household income. Yes it's wildly unusual and for many they'll read your post as "I just don't know what to do with all my money and available time to spend with my kids and no financial worries" but that doesn't make your loss of self or desire to find a role outside of the home less valid.

Your husband takes home 800K and you “save” for holidays out of your 30k
allowance?! Jesus Christ.
OP unless your husband is money abusive what the hell if the problem. You can literally pay your way into all the ease of life anyone could imagine!

Ok so you need to choose which is greater - your desire to get back to work or the fact you want to bring up your dc yourselves and not use childcare

There’s a middle ground where you hire a nanny, and work part time in something worthwhile and fulfilling. Having so much money means basically all options are open to you.
You do realise how incredibly freeing it is to have this much choice don’t you?

i suspect the op has shuffled off

if you haven’t op

does your husband know about the £160k?

why do you think having a nanny will mean your children will hardly see their parents?

and if you feel “guilty”, quit navel gazing about it and either donate / volunteer or explore childcare options to return to work after a year.

It is not hard to grasp this OP.

I was in a similar position to the OP and went back to work.

We pay our nanny housekeeper out of joint income.

I see the children lots as I take them from school and WFH most days. As they get older they stay up longer and you get more quality time with them.

Have the baby and reassess. It’s ok to not want to be a SAHM, and it’s ok to want to be one. You’re very lucky to have the choice, and so take some time to ponder what you want (work, education, the arts, charity work, setting up a business, hobbies) from life and pursue it.

OP I would have a good hard think about what exactly it is you think you miss in working. Is it some or all of the following and which is most important.

• socialisation with adults
• your own independent identify
• Satisfaction in earning your own money
• intellectual challenge
• helping people
• other things?

if you can really pick that apart you can then think about how you can gain that in different ways. For example if it the intellectual challenge an alternative might be doing a Masters degree or other studying. Helping people perhaps mentoring.

Then you can consider how you could fit your needs in with the family.

FWIW this is a pretty common situation for partners of top earnera who have been together a long time. And often I hear of them retraining.

Also do ignore the snide posters, there can be an unpleasant streak on here for people with money. Yes you have an incredibly privileged life with that income but that doesn’t mean you have to waste away in a golden cage unnecessarily.

He's on 800k. You can afford to hire a Nanny full time and still not work. You can afford to hire a Nanny full home and go back part time to something that will use your brain but not consume your free time. You can afford to hire a combined Nanny / housekeeper regardless of your employment status, and get her to help around the house as I'm assuming all of that is on you.

If you want full open access to the shared accounts, talk to him. Certainly don't pay for the childcare through your pocked money, it's about him respecting his wife has needs he needs to help meet.

For someone capable of earning 80k, thousands in savings and a husband earning close to £1 million, I’d of thought you would’ve been able to work this out yourself- or pay someone else to.
If this is true, all your problems can be solved with money.

Speaking for the majority ... 🎻

This is the answer. @isthisthenorm , you have more opportunity and choice right now than most people - even high earners - get in their lifetimes.

Do something new with it. Become great at something, or build something great, something you can be proud of, and something your kids will be proud of. Best of all, you can do it in your spare time, as much or as little as you feel your home life allows.

Honestly, if you want to go back to work use the next year to plan and scope out what you want to do. Volunteering in a charity shop is ok but it's not going to challenge you.

Could you study when the baby is a few months old?

What area did you used to work in? Volunteer in that area instead.

So he takes home 66k A MONTH and gives you 30k a year. Yeah something doesn't seem right here.

OP won’t be back 😂

She didn’t think her OP through, underestimated the questions, not intelligent to respond convincingly enough and so departed

Good advice from NowYouSee above