To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

There’s probably no point telling you not to feel guilty, as that’s personal and something you will need to work on.

He is not feeling guilty about you being at home, and is happy to facilitate as it is of great benefit to him and his career. This is why he’s offering a higher allowance and is happy to keep you in comfort (pay all the bills).

If you weren’t there doing it, he’d still be a high flier - just paying more for the privilege, so he’s still quids in.

Men will always ensure they get what they need from a relationship, so you need to do the same. Work out what you want and go for it.

You’ll have a new baby soon, so won’t be going back to work just now. Spend the time figuring out what will work for you and make you feel fulfilled.

It's wonderful you have a good savings buffer, but you should also enjoy the financial benefits of your marriage, guilt free, just as your husband enjoys you holding down the house / children so he can be free.

What if one day (hopefully never) we divorce and then I'm left with nothing. Nowhere to live, no money

Thread is a wind up.

No one who used to earn £80k is this dense in reality.

Similarly history here. Separate out the money from the work.

The money is very solveable IMO

1. no “allowance”, instead all money goes into a joint account which you have equal access to. Your own credit card which you can use to buy anything you want to keep private (gifts etc) which is paid off from the joint account. Saving/investment decisions are discussed and agreed jointly.

2. you both change your mindset away from “his money and her money”. YOU have enabled him to earn that much by taking on the vast bulk of the domestic load, sacrificing your own career and accepting a lot of time alone waiting for his meeting to end , last minute cancellations, limited ability to plan weekends etc. He could not have had his career without you agreeing to do this. It is IMO your money as much as his.

The trickier issue is if you want to work. The question then is whether you can find a role which feels “worth it” when balanced against the stress/time away from kids. The lower stress, lower hours roles which can easily be juggled with kids are unfortunately often less interesting and usually less well paid. It’s a very “first world problem” but a problem nonetheless. A lot depends on what your old job was however - some careers are easier to translate into part time/freelance than others.

What did you do for work before? Is there anything you would like to retrain in?

We have a similar set up although I was earning £250k+ when I stopped. I never regretted giving up work as it would have been impossible to raise our family with both of us working insane hours in high pressured jobs. My husband still travels 2 /3 days a week and all our children have now left home.

Being a sahm meant we were able to have a pet filled family home and that my children were able to all pursue different sports to a very high level. One of these sports involved me doing pretty much full time job to facilitate it. DH has never had to do any household chores but has always been a fantastic dad.

I have filled my time with volunteering and charity work and now have no cleaner, gardener etc. Our house has 3 cottages on its land which we rent out and I get the income from these to spend on what I like.

Why do you get an "allowance" as if this were a sugar relationship? Why can't you just access all the family accounts jointly whenever you need to?

This has literally nothing to do with OP's situation.

You said that you didn’t want to miss out on your children’s childhood by having a nanny

So you mean

those that use a nanny or missing out on their childhood

Does it have to be paid employment or something you want to do to feel a different purpose etc?

I volunteer at a homeless drop in centre and with elderly people as a befriender and get so much value from both.

Childcare clearly wouldn't be an issue with the household income you have, but the key thing is whether you want to lose that time with the children.

What if one day (hopefully never) we divorce and then I'm left with nothing. Nowhere to live, no money.

You should get half the marital assets, child maintenance assuming you become resident parent, and might be able to argue for spousal maintenance too (rare now, but more possible with high earners and if you can show you gave up a career). On those kind of earnings - even if it was less in previous years - you should have built up some hefty savings and/or assets over the years. You need to know what these are because they are yours too.

It was never so much an ''allowance'' just money that was in my own account like a normal couple with two jobs may have their own accounts and one joint one. I have access to the joint account as I sort out a lot of bills, school fees and other expenses.

Neither of us are big spenders and I know how much money is in which accounts. The majority of it goes into savings for our children and various other savings accounts.

Seriously? OP i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

My ex is a very very high earner

I receive a very very healthy maintenance (and my solicitor secured spousal given his earnings and fact i gave up also a week paid job)

disclaimer: my ex is a very good man with whom i get on well with

picking up your “guilt” on spending

why not donate then?

does your husband know about the £160k

Yes it does

She is indicating ways she fills her time (which OP is looking for) and ways she gets an independent income (which OP might well be looking for). Also indicating the benefits going forward to the family if OP chooses to stay as a SAHM. All very relevant.

* he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. *

and your response was…..?

But you don't have a (paid) job at the moment, so you shouldn't be set up as if you do. In your case, it should indeed be all one pot. Why isn't it? And why do you think you'd have nothing if you divorced?

Being a sahm meant we were able to have a pet filled family home

Is that a positive?!

You really should have access to be spending more than £30K a year. Why save so much money and not spend a reasonable amount now?

I have rarely seen such a non problem on mumsnet.

Here is what you do. When you have finished maternity leave three, you look for a job you like, accept it, organise appropriate child care.

You are welcome. 🙄

and third question

how old are your other two?

I would feel the same as you and would definitely return to work. There's nothing saying you have to have a year off. I returned after 5 months and was ready before then as I didn't enjoy maternity leave at all.

It would be my actual dream to be able to afford a nanny so that DD could be brought up in her home environment and DH and I could both work full time without having to juggle childcare. We currently work opposite each other to minimise nursery as we are on very low salaries.

You could go back to work part time or full time in a less demanding role if you feel worried you will barely see your children. I work full time mostly from home and I don't feel like I'm missing out as I can check in on her multiple times a day and have lunch together etc.

😁 admittedly not for me, but some people might think so

exactly

and if she’s feel guilty before then… volunteer or donate the money

but i suspect she will use the time to post on mumsnet about her “dilemma” or bore discuss with her friends (the one who has already suggested volunteering may not be inclined to listen to more navel gazing though)

OP knows what it's like being a SAHM and what it means, and it doesn't suit her. Some other woman saying how much she loves it is completely beside the point. I could do your job and tell you how much I hate it. You may love it but that's irrelevant to what I should do about the fact that it makes me miserable.

Nope. You don't get to demand that.

oh i agree for some

it just made me smile