To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

😳

Yes my DH knows about the £160k.

I used to work for my father's business but as I left 6 years ago the position is no longer there. I wouldn't want to return to it anyway as it was quite stressful and my father can be quite demanding although I was grateful for the job.

The reason I felt so reluctant hiring a nanny is because I myself grew up with never seeing my parents. My dad worked/travelled 24/7 and my mother was always away on holidays and probably cheating on my dad. I don't speak to my mum anymore but I have become closer with my dad. My nanny was practically my mother growing up and she is like a grandma to my kids now, although has retired so wouldn't be able to be my children's nanny. I was shipped off to boarding school at 8 and I just never want that for my own.

I understand it OP, I was discussing this with a friend recently, and how I would resent DH if he got to go out to work everyday and use his brain while I was at home.

You have the luxury of both time (as you clearly won't be doing anything for a while with a new baby) and money so you're in a wonderful position to decide what it is you want.

An £80K career may be more full on than you'd like, but could you go PT to keep your hand in with a view to returning to FT down the line when the DC are older? You could volunteer, take a rewarding but low paying role, retrain for a career change. You have so many options, so take your time to consider them.

Besides being very jealous can I just say I think you need to think what it is that you feel working will give you that you don't have already

If it's company - then get a job involving being around colleagues 2 days a week - get a nanny in and although the nanny may get more than you , you may feel it's more balanced

If it's giving something back- same advice as above but get a job working in a hospital or a charity or volunteer for a charity- but make sure it's office based

If it's more about making your own money , look at setting up online mail order via Shopify in something that interests you- jewellery, greetings cards, whatever - this can be more easily worked around the children too

And there's a huge difference between childcare to cover normal working hours, and being raised by the nanny and shipped off to boarding school.,

There is a WORLD of difference between never seeing your children and not having any childcare or home support at all.

Tell me at least that you have a cleaner and housekeeper.

As a household You have enough money to do whatever you like! Communicate with your husband.

I agree. The husband isn’t giving me any red flags here.

OP needs to work out her guilt; and find what will fulfil her.

It may not be that she returns to work, but the daily grind of raising children can take its toll.

She needs to find what will stir her, and maybe employ part-time help so she can pursue that.

And given you have access to the finances and can see you’re unlikely to bankrupt the family, spend a bit more freely’ 😊.

Well, why not have a think about what you would like to do and how you could make it happen? As you have the advantage of not needing the money, you have all sorts of options that would still leave you plenty of time with your kids once your latest is born and old enough. What would your husband say about it?

You are viewing this as if only the extreme options are available - stay at home mother or work 80 hours a week out of the house and never see your children. There are jobs available that are part time, or work from home (with a nanny there for childcare). You can have a nanny and still be a very present parent for your children - maybe not in the job you had before but if you were earning £80k you must have transferable skills

This is ridiculous. You can’t honestly expect anyone to take this seriously?

Get a nanny as others have said.

Agree that the DH isn't giving red flags re the money, but it does seem that he doesn't appreciate OP's need for fulfilment outside the home.

Read.. 'The Women's Room' by Marilyn French.

You grew up believing that you were an equal, then as a couple you agreed that your children should have you present as a SAHM. In this transition, facilitated your husband's career while destroying any chance you had of maintaining yours, your position as equal and your sense of self before you had children. Having children has probably benefited your husband's status and career more than if he had remained single and childless.

Your £80k salary would have been sufficient for raise your family on if your husband had been willing to sacrifice his career to build an equal life together. You could have made choices that made you poorer but without such a catastrophic destruction of the person that you were.

You made those choices together and agreed that is what would happen. All parents have to adjust their lives when they have children, but the adjustments and impact are not equally shared and for most people.. the impact is never fully assessed, understood or considered.

Your career, job, income should not be assessed compared to your husbands or compared to the cost of chidcare. Is your sense of self and the role your model to your children, worth sacrificing for the life you have?

Why are you only thinking about extremes? It's very possible to work, even full time and still see your children. There's somewhere in the middle between SAHM and using a full time nanny followed by boarding school at 8.

You are also allowed to work because it fulfills you, work has more benefits than simply earning money. Of course you can return to work if you want to.

And you can't see a midway point between chucking your kids into boarding school after nearly a decade with a Nanny or being home 24/7 and resenting it? There's literally no middle ground you could picture?

Have this baby, get a job even if voluntary and a Nanny, tell him you need to combine family money.

I read the post about your childhood.. maybe your mother also had dreams of something else when she was newly married.

I second NowYouSee's advice. Take the time to think about what you feel is missing, and work out how to get that. Having more options doesn't make things easier at all, often the opposite. If you don't already, at the very least try out some hobbies and you are sure to find one that eventually "grabs" and fulfills you, which you can dedicate more time to, and eventually even use to generate income through business ventures etc - if you like. Also, as the children get older would you get fulfillment volunteering at their school, extra-curricular etc or is that not your scene? It's always good to do a bit of volunteering too if you can find the time - and there are things you could do with the older child at least which would also give them a sense of social duty.

You may also just need to work on those feelings of guilt because there is no reason for it as far as your posts suggest. Dig deep and find out where they stem from. As you say, you made a choice to be available for your children. That is equally, if not more valuable than earning an income or building a business right now, especially given your husband is able to provide well for your family.

Quite interesting to see how mean some people are on here, and also that so many people assume OP's husband is being abusive because of the "allowance", even though OP has clearly stated she has access to all finances and the allowance is just for her own personal spending (and could be higher if she wanted, but it sounds like she doesn't). So much projection!

I work hybrid, full-time, two days in office, three at home and see plenty of my kids. You don't have to put this plan into action until your little one is older if you don't want, or you could put them in nursery or get a nanny two days a week and work those days.

Of course people who work see their children, the days are long and there's plenty of time to do both, unless you work like your husband but even he gets weekends!

Oh dear. I feel a bit sorry for you. Your husband doesn't come well out of this. And you seem a bit, well, lacking in balls. Decide what you want to do and do it. All the money in the world doesn't fix the problem that you want to work. So do it. You have enough money to make problems like childcare, cleaning, gardening go away. Make your life easy and then go back.
It all feels a bit humble braggy although I appreciate that's not the case but it's difficult for us mere mortals to sympathise.

There is a balance go be had, you just need to find it.
I wouldn’t volunteer in a charity shop if that’s the road you decide to go to. You obviously have skills and probably could do some volunteering that would use your skill set.

There are also part time jobs. I was looking at a few lately that were 10 hours a week. It’s not going to bring you a huge amount of money but might give you what you are after. The issue with this though is holidays and finding childcare then.
Did you like what you did before, is there something you would prefer to do. Could you instead do some training/courses to do something that interests you instead?

I don’t know what you used to do, but why don’t you start your own business doing it, or act as a consultant - or even as an associate consultant for your previous employer? My guess is that while earning your own income is important to you, this is also about losing your identity, wanting to use your brain, being appreciated for your skills and expertise, and feeling valued beyond the home and hearth - about being more than your husband’s sidekick.

It's hard to see from your post what the driver to return to work is, whether it is genuinely missing work or feeling like you are vulnerable with no money of your own. I am in a similar position of having three children and being a sahm. I don't get an allowance, I would struggle with that idea, we have equal access to our finances. Which is necessary as I sort out most of our expenditure on things anyway. But we had a brief period where my card stopped working and I couldn't even fix it without my husband calling them as he'd set it up, and it really panicked me, the idea that I had no money unless my husband gave me some in an old personal account I had that did still work. So I can understand how you feel. Even in a secure marriage you can feel vulnerable when it comes to money. My dh could understand that and we sorted it out. So perhaps joint finances for you would be an option? Obviously going back to work is also an option to secure yourself an income. But it sounds like you feel strongly about wanting to be at home for your children, as I do, and with three that is likely to only intensify. The juggling between the needs of three children is very intense and adding in the juggle of working part or full time and still being there for your children will be a challenge. So if it is certain aspects of fulfillment that you get from working that you miss then there are of course obvious ways of meeting those in a voluntary capacity. I'm a school governor, volunteer at a baby bank and volunteer at my children's school, none of which I would be able to do alongside working. So as a previous poster suggested, when you say you want to go back to work, what is it that drives that? But also, it's a difficult time to be feeling it because you're about to have a third baby, which will keep you busy. And every so often I do feel a odd as a sahm, it can be hard to be confident in your worth. Good luck sorting it out in your head.

1. Scrap the allowance
2. Both use the joint account for everything, jointly
3. Stop bleating about how terrible things are for you in your extremely high six-figure household

Haven’t read all of the replies but I’m assuming there will be lots of “nice problem to have” kind of replies. I get it. I have two DC and my DH earns similar to yours, leaves v v early in the morning. The difference is I wasn’t earning anywhere near as much as you before DC.

I was a SAHM for a few years, returning to work when my youngest was a year old as I felt vulnerable, not so much financially but felt very aware that the longer I was out of the workplace the harder it would be to get back in. No one knows what the future holds, whether that be divorce or DH becoming ill (or god forbid dying) so not having any earning potential didn’t feel good to me.

The difference was my DH paid a vast amount into a private pension for me whilst I was a SAHM and our finances are shared. Please don’t say you’re feeding off your DH. You’re a partnership and you play in an important role in your DH have both a high powered career and a family; he (presumably) doesn’t feel guilty about not being being around much during the week as he knows the children are with you.

“Get a nanny” isn’t that simple. Many of us want don’t want their DC to be spending very lengthy hours in childcare, especially whilst they’re very young. I use nursery and wraparound care so this isn’t a criticism of people who also do. My point is, there comes a point when actually having two parents out of the house for very long hours doesn’t feel like a great option if it means the DC get very little time with either parent during the week. So even all the money in the world doesn’t solve all the problems of both parents having a career but also wanting the DC to have at least one parent around a decent amount of time.

I’m not sure I have an answer beyond that your happiness matters too. I went back to work part time, but earning much less than you did pre-DC. Sometimes it feels pointless as I am treading water and not earning much and find it hard at times doing everything- every drop off, every pick up, being the only parent in the mornings etc*. I’ve limited myself in terms of seniority and earning potential in order to do a job that works with family commitments.

*Big fat disclaimer: single parents have it a million times harder than me, I know.

I don't think some of you are completely understanding when I say that I know where all the money is and have access to it. The £30k a year was for items such as new clothes or a meal out with friends. I have full access to a joint account which I use for most thing I buy. DH barely spends any money, has worn the same clothes for about 10 years. He only really spends his money of a golf club membership, going out with friends and overly expensive wine. Not having enough money is not the issue, I could ask him for 200k a year and he probably say yes. It's more the freedom.