To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

I'm guessing this isn't really about money since the household has more than enough income. I'm guessing it's about feeling productive.

You have young children and about to have a baby. You are doing one of the most productive roles you can right now. You are raising a young family and giving them a home. You have the luxury of not feeling torn to work just to keep the bills paid. Working most definitely isn't anything special unless you were in a very niche industry that you loved before having your family. If you miss working because of the need to use your brain more then you could do some OU courses in an area you're interested in. If you want to work for social reasons then look into classes and groups that will give you connections.
There is loads more to life than being stuck at work making money for others and currently I'd love to have the option not to do so and spend more time making a home and being with my children. I don't feel particularly productive as a person spending so much time at work.

This isn't first world problems, it's one-percenter problems.

Get a nanny two days a week, get some therapy to sort through your parents' neglect, and do some charity work to remind yourself how incredibly privileged you are.

Even the title of your OP shows such a lack of perspective. You CAN go back to work! You can do anything with that amount of money, dear lord.

You could take some of that money, buy a small flat that needs updating, and start a property development business. As your own boss you could still look after the kids and work and order everything from home, employ tradespeople to do the work in the flat, sell at a profit (hopefully) and buy again. That way you would keep your independence, and still have a nest egg for the future?

I don’t understand your dilemma. You have enough money to do whatever you want. You can work part time or volunteer and pay for a nanny or childminder. You could afford to retrain if you wanted or you can stay at home raising the kids or work full time. All perfectly reasonable and all options are open to you.

Many people either go to work because they can’t afford not to or be a SAHM because childcare costs more than they’re paid. Loads of people work part time when children are young. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and you are in a very fortunate position.

What does your DH do??!!
I’ve never heard of anyone earning anywhere near that!!

What job did you do?
Is it something you could do voluntarily at home when you have spare time?

I know some high up lawyers sometimes volunteer for charities and help them out with cases.

This will give you something to do and give you something more recent to put on your CV when it’s time to go back to work.

Or an online course which will help you in the future.

There’s no rush to get a job but I think doing something towards your career will help.
Then when you choose to go back to work you could just do it PT.

I completely empathise with you. I am also a sahm and I never spend any money on myself and it’s not really a question of numbers (although ours are v small compared with yours) but the insecurity of not having an income.

if I were you I would focus on enjoying your baby and the early years and then get back to work in whatever way you can. But there is always a price to pay, either in confidence / security for staying at home or in missing your children / guilt if working. Unless you can work at home, and then you pay the price in other ways.

You are no more trapped than any other parent and probably a lot less than most but I do really understand where you are coming from. It’s not easy to give up work and be available to your children and you pay for it in a million little ways.

Can you start a consulting business or do pro bono work based on what your job was before? It might be fulfilling to help other people in an area you loved and were clearly talented at, especially if it's something you can do remotely and around the kids.

What does your husband do for a living? I've never heard of such a big salary!

Girl, if you want to go to work then just go. You don't have to be full time and your babies will all be in school one day.

If I were you, I'd be just content knowing you have option. Work is shite! Retrain in something that means something to you and makes you happy. You're in a fantastic position to be able to do so when you're ready.

I would second therapy... work through the issues with your parents and how that influences how you feel about being a mother and a wife.. but mostly how it influences about how you feel about being you. What makes you feel good about yourself? Do you get what you need from your life? What is missing to make you feel content? Your husband is not the partner you imagined... can you adjust your expectations? can you ask him to make changes and change the way your family functions? What if you both worked, but less than he worls now and focussed on being a different kind of family... would that be enough?

My dad started his own business when I was young and ended up being very successful, my mum didn’t need to work and hasn’t worked since before I was born. I have lovely childhood memories of her always being there (although hated it as a teenager lol). We have a great relationship. She’s always been very happy with this set up but I don’t think it would suit me. I have a 5 year old and a 5 month old and am self employed and I LOVE my job. Work gives you a purpose and something outside of your children, connects you to reality and if it’s a career you enjoy can you do it part time?

Would he be open to you investing his money to get better returns? And that could be your job. Investing the family money and taking a salary from it.

If you get 2500 a month to do as you please. How did you spend 160,000?!?

But you made a choice, to give up your job to raise your children? Why do you now feel guilty? You are doing an amazing job and now have a 3rd baby to stay home with, no money worries and security. (160k) in bank

only you know how your marriage is and if your husband would agree to have a joint account due to you feeling uneasy/uncomfortable about your allowance
it’s more than most people earn. Figure out the inequality in your financial situation and enjoy being there for your kids while they are small you don’t get that time back

Just wow

To the rest of us = classic example of money not always leading to happiness

Regardless of income maybe some people just don’t want to hire a nanny? OP have the baby and take a year to really think and make a decision. 3 children is quite full on and, if you don’t want a nanny which is a perfectly valid choice as well, you might need to give it a couple of years until youngest is at nursery.

Read Betty Friedan's "The problem that has no name" (1963). She describes exactly this. Women who seemingly had perfect lives - husband, house, children, appliances - but who were collapsing of boredom and lack of fulfilment because they weren't using their own capabilities for anything other than housekeeping and childrearing. You may be stuck for a while with your baby but after that - definitely look for a part time job, a degree/Masters, or something else that will let you use your talents - and if you were in an 80k job before and really want to volunteer, find somewhere which can use your capabilities, not just volunteering in a charity shop (which is a noble thing to do but I'm sure you have more to give).

I was largely brought up by nannies though they were great I would not allow this for my own kids so understand your reasoning. I barely saw my parents as both either crazy hours. Anyway there is nothing wrong with wanting a home/work life balance but have you thought about maybe training again when your little one is a bit older? Being realistic 6 years out if the work place is a long time so maybe upskill a little so your not working as long hours if it's not realistic for DH to cut his hours. This will give you a step ahead when you can go back more hours. People are missing the point this isn't really about money (I don't think) but I independence.

perhaps this is about not having any financial control and being dependent on someone else when in the past you have been used to earning your own money? Can you go back to that line of work part time?

However if it is just about working and the satisfaction that gives you, I would look at local charities. There are so many that need people for marketing/fundraising/general help and it will give you a great deal of satisfaction.

This. Given the current climate I think you are a bit insensitive to be talking about how your husband earns £800k and you used to earn £80k and that was just fun money…

You could’ve written the exact same post without putting the figures in but you chose to put your earnings in.

Your household income is ridiculously high and you have the money to do whatever you want. Get a nanny if you so desperately want to go back.

My husband is a high earner. I spend my time volunteering for international search and rescue. I also work with the homeless and have done for more than 20 years. I also volunteer for people with adrenal insufficiency

I mean the world is your oyster. Literally.

You're not trapped by the money, you are trapped by wanting to work because just motherhood is too boring or vaguely guilt-inducing, but you - unlike most women - feel you don't have an excuse to work because your husband makes too much and also, you are thinking about this black and white because of your own youth .

However, everyone else is right that you have any option you want.

You are allowed to work even if you don't need the money. It is possible to work and see your kids in a balanced way of your own choosing.

To earn £80k you have to be trapped middle in terms of management. So a new job would expect it's pound of flesh. So actually I don't think the trade off would be worth it as against the stress.

However, you could volunteer.
Used to be an accountant? Do the accounts for the local NCT or breastfeeding group?
Used to be a lawyer? Do a day at the citizens advice bureau?
Otherwise there are loads of things you could do to utilise your skills - listen to kids read at a local state primary school, offer to record tape recordings for newspapers for the elderly.

GIVE BACK.

@Nowherenew @overthinkersanonnymus

Could be loads of things- investment banking, city law firm, hedge funds or asset management, big tech job, could be c-suite in a big listed company.

Guilty?! Why in the name of god do you feel guilty for enabling his career, raising his kids and keeping the family home?! You are contributing equally and don't for gods sake let anyone tell you otherwise.