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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find home births completely selfish

323 replies

Baabaaba · 21/11/2023 17:10

No I know I’m going to sound like a grumpy ogre but having been recently diagnosed with cancer and feeling as crap as I can do I was given the displeasure to listen to my neighbours have a home birth last nigh. She and baby are both home and well now however they did need a blood transfusion and ended up going in an ambulance anyway. Am I being unfair to think why did they keep me and my two children up all night with her screaming which nearly killed her when she would have had a safer delivery in hospital and if of had a better night sleep.

I know this is selfish and I am being unfair but honestly why put your health and baby’s health in danger I’m genuinely want to be told how I’m being unfair

OP posts:
PlimplePlop · 21/11/2023 17:11

"Genuinely "

Sweetlily99 · 21/11/2023 17:12

Sorry about your cancer and you feel awful.

Sorry your neighbour maybe didn't consider noise in the flat / semi/ terraced house

But please don't post such a goady message with no real facts making a sweeping statement about HB given an anecdotal incident

Hope u get well soon

Mamato29192 · 21/11/2023 17:12

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis. Hope you get better soon but it's up to the parents well the mother how they birth their child. She obviously didn't know it was going to go like that. If there were risks she would of probably birthed in hospital

lljkk · 21/11/2023 17:13

if she's back home then she didn't nearly die last night

This resentment will only harm you, not change the world.

Hereforthebunfights · 21/11/2023 17:14

You clearly only care about this because it disturbed your night.

misssunshine4040 · 21/11/2023 17:15

We are all entitled to our opinion and it doesn't necessarily make it right or wrong but I agree with you.

LabradorMama · 21/11/2023 17:15

If you can’t be selfish when giving birth, when can you?

I appreciate you’re having a shit time but it would be nice if you could support your fellow women to have the birth they want. Especially given that the outcomes of home births are generally so much better for mother and baby, your poor neighbour was doing what she felt was right. How awful for her that it went so badly wrong. And how inconvenient for you, of course.

myotherkidisacassowary · 21/11/2023 17:15

Home births where the mother had previously had an uncomplicated labour are, statistically, slightly safer than hospital births.

You are being a bit selfish about this, to be honest. One bad night of sleep for you is definitely annoying but your neighbour was entitled to choose the type of labour that felt safest and best for her. It’s a very rare occasion, and a momentous one for her.

I’m very sorry you’re ill, and I hope you’re doing ok.

WarningOfGails · 21/11/2023 17:15

I remember the thrill of hearing our next door neighbour having an unexpected homebirth, knowing a new life was coming in to the world.

Teatrayderby · 21/11/2023 17:16

I think they're madness where I live as the hospital is so far away and good luck getting an ambulance! Every person I know locally who have planned one have ended up in hospital for 2-3 days regardless due to complications and have been quite traumatized by it all (although that's any birth really). But it's none of my business if people are convinced it'll be fine.

Iheartmysmart · 21/11/2023 17:16

YABU. I was born at home with my mum’s Labrador in attendance. The midwife was most unimpressed. I’m sorry about your diagnosis and disturbed night though.

JstBlzd · 21/11/2023 17:17

Sorry about your recent cancer diagnosis. That sounds really hard.

Wanting a HB is not inherently selfish though. It was the norm in decades past.

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 21/11/2023 17:22

Considering the poor state of maternity care in the UK (if that's where you are) then I dont think you can criticise the decision to have a home birth. I had 2 planned home births. I didn't scream but many women don't know how they will react during birth. Some are very noisy but others very quiet.
A home birth is a perfectly reasonable choice for a woman to make. I don't know the latest research or statistics but when I gave birth a home birth was as safe if not safer than a hospital birth for low risk pregnancies. My labours were great being in my own home. My second child was an undiagnosed breech and an emergency section transferred from home due to them discovering she was breech mid Labour. The experience was awful.I'm sorry about your diagnosis.

Isseywith3witchycats · 21/11/2023 17:23

i had my second child at home was allowed as first birth in hospital went well

i had second one in 2.5 hours from start to finish and it was much nicer than 1st birth being stuck in hospital for ten days which was the norm in the seventies me 18 years old new mom bored to ears for that length of time,

2nd one at home in my own bed dressed DD up straight after midwife had gone, cup of tea whenever i wanted food that was mine not their choice and telly in the lounge

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/11/2023 17:23

YABU

Sometimes homebirths can be safer than hospital births, due to the often unnecessary overmedicalisation of hospital births.

I've had both, the first, unnecessary overmedicalisation (not what I wanted), hospital birth almost killed me. The obstetrician even received a warning against his registration. So for my next baby, I had an unassisted homebirth. Neighbours would never have known as I'm a silent birther, not a a screamer.

I find your post really unreasonable. Your neighbour made a choice which she felt was best for her and her baby. It's very common to be given blood after childbirth even when it's not a case of life or death, so given she's back at home, I think you're completely dramatising this. There's absolutely no factual evidence to back up your claim that she would have had a safer birth in hospital.

Whilst I appreciate you're ill, I do think you're being highly unreasonable at having one disturbed night of sleep when your neighbour was bringing a new life into the world.

Don't shit on her joy by being a shitty neighbour by complaining about the noise.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 21/11/2023 17:23

I heard a recent interview with someone very high up in midwifery (Gill Walton? Dame Ruth May?) who said that home births are statistically safer due to the "medicalisation" of childbirth, which sounds counter-intuitive but I guess she knows what she's talking about.

(I hope you make a speedy recovery OP.)

RudsyFarmer · 21/11/2023 17:25

Just imagine how much inconvenient shit like this must have happened in the old days.

ButDaddyILoveHim · 21/11/2023 17:25

Threads about homebirth rarely go well on here, but this is certainly a new lens through which to bash women's birth choices.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis, it must be a difficult and frightening time for you and your family. But YABcompletelyU.

buckingmad · 21/11/2023 17:28

YABU. It’s one night of discomfort for you but it could have been (and maybe still was despite the complications) a really healing process for her.

You have children, there may have been many nights where your children disturbed others or even during the day being noisy etc. No one is perfect.

GodspeedJune · 21/11/2023 17:30

Of all the times women should consider being ‘selfish’ the time when they are giving birth is at the bottom of the list. Actually, it’s not even on the list.

Do you think the noise from your children hasn’t ever disturbed her?

SuperDuperCabriolet · 21/11/2023 17:31

I had 4 perfect homebirths. Very quiet.

I'm sure she didn't PLAN to shout or need a blood transfusion /ambulance.

In your shoes I'd be SUPER sympathetic and wondering how I could make my neighbours life easier for the next week, food, help, etc...

We're obviously very different people 🙄

penjil · 21/11/2023 17:31

Not so many years ago there was home birth only.....

spillyo · 21/11/2023 17:31

To be frank, I'd hate to hear it too.

But it's life (literally). Typing this from a Victorian house and wondering how many babies came into the world here.

TrixieFatell · 21/11/2023 17:31

You are being unreasonable. I had a beautiful homebirth (neighbour's didn't know til they heard baby cry the next morning) and at no time did I put myself or her at risk. I have also attended a number of homebirths, only once did we have to call for an ambulance because there was meconium in her waters. She had trained midwives who acted appropriately and quickly, she was transferred in and both her and baby were fine, just needed observations for 12 hours. How was she putting her baby at risk, perhaps if she was giving birth in a field with noone in attendance you may have a point but a planned birth with appropriately trained health professionals you don't have a point. For low risk women it can be more risky to have a hospital birth with a cascade of interventions.

Sorry you had a disturbed night of sleep but that's hardly a reason for not having a home birth.

Wilkolampshade · 21/11/2023 17:33

Sorry you're ill OP and I hope you receive really great, and successful treatment.

I had a homebirth with my second. Partly because the hospital delivery of my first was a fucking shit show. A filthy delivery room - someone else's blood and what looked like actual shit in the sink, some kind of slimy skiddy stuff (I think the gel they use on the doppler?) on the floor, no paper towels, the rudest midwife in the world, a doctor barging in whilst my legs were in stirrups with around 10 juniors in tow to see if he could 'pop in' for a bit, a bungled epidural which only numbed one side making pushing dysfunctional, an over long ventouse and finally, ta-dah! a floppy, blue unresponsive baby needing to be rushed away.
So no. I don't think homebirth is selfish. For a lot of women it may well seem like a sensible choice.

Also, lol at the idea any labouring woman could even try and give the shiniest shit who can hear her bellowing away. I should think they could hear me streets away with no 2.