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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find home births completely selfish

323 replies

Baabaaba · 21/11/2023 17:10

No I know I’m going to sound like a grumpy ogre but having been recently diagnosed with cancer and feeling as crap as I can do I was given the displeasure to listen to my neighbours have a home birth last nigh. She and baby are both home and well now however they did need a blood transfusion and ended up going in an ambulance anyway. Am I being unfair to think why did they keep me and my two children up all night with her screaming which nearly killed her when she would have had a safer delivery in hospital and if of had a better night sleep.

I know this is selfish and I am being unfair but honestly why put your health and baby’s health in danger I’m genuinely want to be told how I’m being unfair

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 21/11/2023 19:00

I had my second at home , quick, quiet, no requirement for pain relief

My neighbours didn't even know I'd had her . It was far nicer than my fist hospital birth .

Sorry about your diagnosis.

Devonshiregal · 21/11/2023 19:04

You are NOT being unreasonable! Birth is incredibly traumatic and painful - those of us who have done it tend to spare those that haven’t yet the gory details because it’s just mean and can cause a lot of anxiety. Why the actual fuck should your children be forced to listen to that - if you have a girl it could have traumatised her and cause her significant worries when she’s of childbearing age.

it’s selfish.

and the “it’s natural” argument it bollocks. It’s natural to be naked, have bodily functions, have sex, eat without structured table manners but we don’t do those things in public because it’s not polite.

she was NOT polite.

if you live in a detached house with good sound proofing fine but she clearly doesn’t. I’d be fuming.

Whiteday · 21/11/2023 19:12

Devonshiregal · 21/11/2023 19:04

You are NOT being unreasonable! Birth is incredibly traumatic and painful - those of us who have done it tend to spare those that haven’t yet the gory details because it’s just mean and can cause a lot of anxiety. Why the actual fuck should your children be forced to listen to that - if you have a girl it could have traumatised her and cause her significant worries when she’s of childbearing age.

it’s selfish.

and the “it’s natural” argument it bollocks. It’s natural to be naked, have bodily functions, have sex, eat without structured table manners but we don’t do those things in public because it’s not polite.

she was NOT polite.

if you live in a detached house with good sound proofing fine but she clearly doesn’t. I’d be fuming.

Have you read any posts on this thread? The need for pain relief seems to be much less with home births?

My second I was in hospital 15 mins before he was born, so wish I'd stayed at home.

ButDaddyILoveHim · 21/11/2023 19:14

she was NOT polite

So now women have to be polite when birthing? POLITE? They have to consider their manners??

Fuck literally everything. All of it. So much internalised misogyny here.

CremeEggSupremacy · 21/11/2023 19:15

This wasn’t in public anyway it was in presumably her own house. Within reason you can do what you want in your own home. I wouldn’t be having any nosy neighbour telling me they don’t want to listen to my birth.

Whiteday · 21/11/2023 19:15

@Devonshiregal how long would you be fuming for?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 21/11/2023 19:15

YABU. Not all home births are planned, and even if they were women are allowed to choose where they're comfortable being vulnerable.

You and your children need to find solutions for the noise a new baby will inevitably create, I suspect without this won't be the only sleepless night you have.

CremeEggSupremacy · 21/11/2023 19:16

If you can’t bear the noise of neighbours you should be the one moving to a remote detached house. If the birth bothered so much good luck with all the nighttime crying.

Notellinganyone · 21/11/2023 19:18

Seriously? 67 % of maternity units are currently deemed substandard. Some, as many recent enquiries have shown are downright dangerous, others just under staffed and chaotic. I would say that you are safer at home with two midwives focusing on you than in an understaffed ward. Planned homebirths are just as safe as hospital births and that’s reflected in the statistics on this - if you remove the accidental ones. I had three home births, fantastic positive experiences where I had agency, care and healthy babies. As for the disturbance, frankly that’s pathetic.

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 21/11/2023 19:20

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

It was one night and it didn't go to plan.

But it's ended well hopefully.

I think your perspective is skewed.

Concannon88 · 21/11/2023 19:21

Statistically you are less likely to need an assisted birth if you birth from home. And you've forgotten one big point, most women labour at home before heading into hospital so you would have still heard it. I had a blood transfusion from loss of blood and at that point you are unconscious so the screaming will not have been before she nearly died, no.

KThnxBye · 21/11/2023 19:23

I’ve never given birth in a hospital and only ever given birth to my babies at home. In a terraced house. I had no idea that my neighbours were so unusual to love the very idea and come round for newborn cuddles. Maybe the fact of living close together means we had the audacity to actually know our neighbours and like them. And them us. And they were happy for use when the babies were born?

As for traumatising girl children (not sure why only girls?), not only did I have girl children in my actual house when giving birth to their siblings, but the neighbour brought their girl children round to celebrate the happy occasion.

Last night I could hear two of my neighbours (as in, one who lives next door, one who lives across the road) having sex….different house to the ones I gave birth in!

Life happens in houses.

SweetBirdsong · 21/11/2023 19:25

Devonshiregal · 21/11/2023 19:04

You are NOT being unreasonable! Birth is incredibly traumatic and painful - those of us who have done it tend to spare those that haven’t yet the gory details because it’s just mean and can cause a lot of anxiety. Why the actual fuck should your children be forced to listen to that - if you have a girl it could have traumatised her and cause her significant worries when she’s of childbearing age.

it’s selfish.

and the “it’s natural” argument it bollocks. It’s natural to be naked, have bodily functions, have sex, eat without structured table manners but we don’t do those things in public because it’s not polite.

she was NOT polite.

if you live in a detached house with good sound proofing fine but she clearly doesn’t. I’d be fuming.

Really @Devonshiregal Hmm Good grief. What an ludicrous overreaction! Most bizarre post on the thread.

@Baabaaba Of course YABU. Any woman is entitled to give birth at home if she wishes. Sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis, but you are being unreasonable yes.

Coconutter24 · 21/11/2023 19:39

Sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis.
Home births aren’t selfish, to suggest they are selfish because she kept you awake all night is quite selfish of you, whether that’s what you are saying or not that’s how it comes across. The giving birth was just one night so I’d like to think you wouldn’t hold this against her. Although with a new baby next door you might hear quite a bit of screaming during the night from the baby 🙈

Philandbill · 21/11/2023 19:40

Devonshiregal · 21/11/2023 19:04

You are NOT being unreasonable! Birth is incredibly traumatic and painful - those of us who have done it tend to spare those that haven’t yet the gory details because it’s just mean and can cause a lot of anxiety. Why the actual fuck should your children be forced to listen to that - if you have a girl it could have traumatised her and cause her significant worries when she’s of childbearing age.

it’s selfish.

and the “it’s natural” argument it bollocks. It’s natural to be naked, have bodily functions, have sex, eat without structured table manners but we don’t do those things in public because it’s not polite.

she was NOT polite.

if you live in a detached house with good sound proofing fine but she clearly doesn’t. I’d be fuming.

@Devonshiregal I had a home birth in a terraced house. It wasn't dangerous and it wasn't traumatic. It was an evidence based choice and I had autonomy over my birth. You sound very uninformed.

Philandbill · 21/11/2023 19:43

@SkiingIsHeaven you're wrong. Have a look at the Birthplace study and you'll find the facts there.

RosaMoline · 21/11/2023 19:44

Devonshiregal · 21/11/2023 19:04

You are NOT being unreasonable! Birth is incredibly traumatic and painful - those of us who have done it tend to spare those that haven’t yet the gory details because it’s just mean and can cause a lot of anxiety. Why the actual fuck should your children be forced to listen to that - if you have a girl it could have traumatised her and cause her significant worries when she’s of childbearing age.

it’s selfish.

and the “it’s natural” argument it bollocks. It’s natural to be naked, have bodily functions, have sex, eat without structured table manners but we don’t do those things in public because it’s not polite.

she was NOT polite.

if you live in a detached house with good sound proofing fine but she clearly doesn’t. I’d be fuming.

I hope this is irony/sarcasm?!?

Changednayme · 21/11/2023 19:44

I agree with you where do you draw the line where does it end if everyone had a reason to be making loads of noise when you’re trying to sleep

BlueEyedPeanut · 21/11/2023 19:49

Having children is selfish in itself. You have done that twice. So maybe look at your own actions before you call other people selfish. I didn't complain to my neighbour about her yapping dogs because I was aware that she'd had to put up with screaming babies for years.

That's just life. People do things for themselves.

GiveMeCoffeeandTV · 21/11/2023 19:49

I thought this NCT narrative had been debunked. Natural does not mean safer or better.

Until relatively recently women gave birth at home and the mortality rate for women and babies was very high. Thankfully we have medical interventions now that help save lives!

Women giving birth at home in the present day may be lucky and experience a good, safe birth. However, childbirth is still a brutal and dangerous business and we all know healthy woman whose labours have resulted in dangerous situations.

Your neighbour is not necessarily unreasonable to want a home birth but I also couldn’t have slept if I were next door.

I would have been so nervous for her and hoping there wasn’t a massive wait for an ambulance or paramedic if something was going wrong.

I hope she and baby are ok.

Anonymouslyposting · 21/11/2023 19:50

To be honest I’m pretty anti home births. I had haemorrhages after both of my births. The first one was completely out of the blue in a low risk pregnancy, the second was classed as high risk because of the haemorrhage in my first birth. I would quite likely have died if I’d been at home. I would encourage anyone I knew to avoid having a home birth for that reason.

However, I have a friend who has labours so quick that she doesn’t really have a choice - her first birth nearly happened in the car park and her husband delivered her second before the midwife could get to them. So sometimes there isn’t a choice.

Objecting to your neighbour having a home birth because of noise though is ridiculous - it’s one night and hardly likely to be a regular occurrence!

CreeperBoom · 21/11/2023 19:51

My local NHS Trust are really pushing home births. Nominally because it is safer, etc. Actually, because they have closed all the midwife units, and the hospital is an hour away.

I have lots of friends who have given birth in cars, ambulances, a&e carparks, etc. I think it's fair enough to stick at home, and have a local midwife come to you tbh.

KombuchaKalling · 21/11/2023 19:54

It’s not all about you and your children. I bet they have woken up a fair number of people before

Earlier this year l didn’t consult my neighbours about my birth choice. Because yeah it was my choice and none of their business (for the record it was a caesarean). I am Impressed she “nearly died” but then she got discharged so quickly! Just because you’re going through a hard time doesn’t entitle you to be judgey, self absorbed and obnoxious

beforethecoffeegetscold · 21/11/2023 19:54

I understand the frustration at being kept up all night, particularly as you are experiencing such a tough time at the moment. However, I have to disagree. A woman has the right to choose to give birth in her own home. It's not as though she was up partying all night and it's not as though this would be a weekly occurrence. Birth is often loud, I would think the whole town heard me.

Notellinganyone · 21/11/2023 19:56

@GiveMeCoffeeandTV - false equivalency. The improvement has come about because of pre natal monitoring etc Hospitals are not safer per se. All the studies back this up but people are generally rubbish at critical thinking.