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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find home births completely selfish

323 replies

Baabaaba · 21/11/2023 17:10

No I know I’m going to sound like a grumpy ogre but having been recently diagnosed with cancer and feeling as crap as I can do I was given the displeasure to listen to my neighbours have a home birth last nigh. She and baby are both home and well now however they did need a blood transfusion and ended up going in an ambulance anyway. Am I being unfair to think why did they keep me and my two children up all night with her screaming which nearly killed her when she would have had a safer delivery in hospital and if of had a better night sleep.

I know this is selfish and I am being unfair but honestly why put your health and baby’s health in danger I’m genuinely want to be told how I’m being unfair

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 21/11/2023 18:36

Women shouldn’t have to consider their neighbours when they plan a home birth.

As much as I would never opt for a home birth myself because it’s not for me, I also don’t think women should spend their lives people pleasing especially when they’re giving birth.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 21/11/2023 18:37

I did not read the full thread so someone may have already said this.

At a home birth you have two midwives allocated purely to you, rather than the smaller ratios in a hospital. Before you're signed off for a home birth you have a "home birth assesment" to check that everything is fine for you to have a home birth (mostly parking, check the room you want to give birth in etc) and you're read a very long list of reasons you can be transferred to hospital.

If your neighbour was having a home birth then she wasn't putting her and her babies life in danger as she will have been approved to have one based on the information the doctors etc have at the time. A lot of people find that being in a comfortable and familiar environment keeps them calmer and there is a lot less interventions than in a hospital birth.

Sorry that you didn't sleep well but it's really not your neighbours problem.

Dillane · 21/11/2023 18:37

Mamato29192 · 21/11/2023 17:12

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis. Hope you get better soon but it's up to the parents well the mother how they birth their child. She obviously didn't know it was going to go like that. If there were risks she would of probably birthed in hospital

That’s surely the risk of Home birth? No one can predict how their birth is going to go. Even the labour and birth that is expected to be ‘low risk’ can go spectacularly wrong at any moment.

Scruffington · 21/11/2023 18:38

I'm sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. Wishing you all the best for your treatment. You're more than entitled to feel like a grumpy ogre Flowers

I hope you and your kids sleep soundly tonight!

Humanswarm · 21/11/2023 18:38

I really am sorry for your diagnosis and as PPs have stated, I hope all ends up well for you. Having said that, last night a new life was welcomed to the world. And, that's a lovely occasion! A few hours missed sleep or disturbance for you was just that.. move on and be happy for next door, God knows we all need a little happiness..
And, for what it's worth, I had two home births and both were complication free and perfect. And, if I were to ever do it again, I'd chose that 100% ...and that's after a horrific first time in an NHS hospital.

Socksforxmas · 21/11/2023 18:38

Having a bad night of sleep because of a disturbance is definitely irritating and I don't blame you for being upset but I'd say you're being unreasonable. It was just one night and if mums more comfortable with a home birth I think it's worth it. She may have good reason to be wary of hospitals? Maybe a previous bad experience?

I think having neighbours, living in a community area means that every now and again something you may find disturbing will happen but as long as its not a constant I think it's just something you have to accept. I doubt she plans on having a HB on a weekly basis 😂

TrixieFatell · 21/11/2023 18:38

Plankingplanks · 21/11/2023 17:38

Ia green with you, but not for the reasons you give. A home birth is fine if you want to pay for a midwife to deliver it yourself. The NHS really can't afford this self indulgence though. Every home birth has to have 2 midwifes present and in a lot of cases an ambulance is called anyway.

Have your baby in hospital people.

It is cheaper to have a homebirth, lots of research to back that up. Plus I love that you think the nhs puts on extra midwives for a homebirth instead of using the team that are already on duty to attend.

DewinDwl · 21/11/2023 18:39

user1471464218 · 21/11/2023 18:08

I think home births on the NHS are selfish, but not for the reason you describe (keeping the neighbours awake.) There's a finite number of midwives available at any given time, and in a hospital setting they can look after a few women as a labouring woman doesn't need 2 midwives until the very end. But a home birth ties up two midwives for longer.

Yep

YANBU op.

Despite the overwhelming majority of comments telling the OP how unreasonable she is the voting is 42% yanbu and 58% yabu btw.

Plankingplanks · 21/11/2023 18:40

WarningOfGails · 21/11/2023 18:02

Researchers found that the average cost for a home birth was lowest, at £1,066. The most expensive were hospital births, at £1,631 on average, while midwife-led births came in at around £1,450.

from here https://www.nicswell.co.uk/health-news/study-says-home-births-cost-effective#:~:text=Researchers%20found%20that%20the%20average,in%20at%20around%20%C2%A31%2C450.

Because this is skewed because high risk cases happen in hospital.

TheKnittedCharacter · 21/11/2023 18:40

I’d have loved a home birth. But I’d have been quiet 😂

Not that I’d have been considering the neighbours, I was one of those women that goes extremely silent in labour.

I’m sure you were cross because you feel rubbish anyway, but YABU.

closingdownsale · 21/11/2023 18:40

My sister's NHS midwife has actually been trying to pressure her into having a homebirth because she's low risk!

I think for low risk women, the NHS must save a lot of money when they balance the books on home births.

Lantyslee · 21/11/2023 18:41

YABU. DC2 arrived so quickly she was almost born en route to the hospital. My midwife and I agreed it would be safest for DC3 to be born at home. It was a very positive and relaxing experience. I was very calm and wasn't noisy and my neighbours were delighted and came round for newborn cuddles.

Mejustme3 · 21/11/2023 18:41

misssunshine4040 · 21/11/2023 17:15

We are all entitled to our opinion and it doesn't necessarily make it right or wrong but I agree with you.

Yes I agree . As you said ,it doesn’t mean we are right but I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

Happiestathome · 21/11/2023 18:41

I had a home birth purely by accident and was taken by ambulance to hospital due to massive blood loss. Your neighbour may not have even intended to give birth at home. I know my neighbours were disturbed by the ambulance but were thankfully only concerned about us. I personally don’t see anything wrong with one regardless of whether it is planned or not

Maryamlouise · 21/11/2023 18:43

I checked the transfer stats when selecting my home birth and while I can't remember exactly it was just under 50% on first births and about 10% after that so clearly majority of them go well and remain at home.

GoingOffOnATangent · 21/11/2023 18:47

DoYouAgree · 21/11/2023 18:35

Agreed OP I find it one of the most selfish things a mother to be can do

Wait until you hear about the ones who smoke/drink/take drugs while pregnant.
Or the ones who insist on a themed baby shower <shudder>

Yousay55 · 21/11/2023 18:47

I agree with you op. Unless there is a real need for for a home birth, such a trauma etc, I can’t understand why you would put your babies life at risk by being away from an operating room/doctors if an emergency came up- I know things go wrong in hospitals too, even with drs there, but I would have thought it lowers the risks.

I also think in our overstretched nhs, providing midwives to come out to your house and have one to one personal care is such a luxury. Most midwives have more than one patient between them.

SkiingIsHeaven · 21/11/2023 18:48

myotherkidisacassowary · 21/11/2023 17:15

Home births where the mother had previously had an uncomplicated labour are, statistically, slightly safer than hospital births.

You are being a bit selfish about this, to be honest. One bad night of sleep for you is definitely annoying but your neighbour was entitled to choose the type of labour that felt safest and best for her. It’s a very rare occasion, and a momentous one for her.

I’m very sorry you’re ill, and I hope you’re doing ok.

They are only statistically safer because when things go wrong they go to the hospital and it becomes a poor statistic and not the home one.

Goldbar · 21/11/2023 18:49

Have you read the news lately?

Hospitals are also quite unsafe places for women to give birth. Home births (for the recommended demographic) are no more statistically unsafe.

Women who give birth are routinely undermined, ignored, belittled, sidelined, unheard and robbed of agency when it comes to their care. This frequently causes avoidable harm to them and their babies. It is not irrational for some women to decide that a home birth may help them to avoid some of these issues, if it's not higher risk for them personally on the available evidence.

DysonSphere · 21/11/2023 18:53

.

UnimaginableWindBird · 21/11/2023 18:54

No, the Birthplace study looked at the figures for planned home births at the time labour started and compared them to planned hospital births. So if you planned a home birth but had complications and transferred to hospital, in labour you were counted in the home birth figures. If you planned a hospital birth but were told not to come in yet and ended up giving birth at home or by the roadside due to a fast labour, that was counted as a planned hospital birth.

OhmygodDont · 21/11/2023 18:54

Home births are selfish mothers ffs heard it all now.

How about women who had emergency sections are selfish for having a second because they know they body can’t cope and thus going for unnecessary surgery which can cost your life. Pushing for a vbac is dangerous and unnecessary risking your babies life, going past 40 weeks. Being too old. If you have a child with sen it’s selfish to maybe have another yada yada yada.

How about fuck it having any child is selfish and unnecessary.

🙄🙄

Ineedasitdown · 21/11/2023 18:56

Yabu.
shes in her own house not breaking the law.
I think there’s a worrying trend ( could just be mumsnet) where mothers and mothers to be are expected to minimise everything about childbirth and mothering in case some one else gets offended. Internalised misogyny at its best.

luckbealadytonight · 21/11/2023 18:57

Extremely sorry about your health, but home birth is as safe as hospital birth and has a much lower rate of intervention. A cursory Google could have told you this. There is a lot of research available.

I had both my babies at home.

CremeEggSupremacy · 21/11/2023 18:59

YABU. It’s one night. I’m sure you’ve disturbed others on occasion. Rather a Mum welcoming her baby than a noisy party or dog barking all night