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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Large financial gift from parents to brother but not me

200 replies

Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 13:41

I feel so upset by this, I would appreciate others opinions on this matter. So my parents are in their 70s, well off and financially secure. My df called a few months ago and said that he was planning to gift 100k each to myself and my
brother . I understand this was partly to do with trying to avoid inheritance tax all being well. My df asked what I may have in mind for this and I said I would speak with a financial advisor and make sure it is managed wisely. I approached a FA and told them what was being planned. Told my df, then it all went a bit quiet. I waited and waited and then my brother announced he was in the process of buying a property. I text him and asked if he had received the money, he had months ago. I said that I hadn’t and didn’t want to ask as I felt grabby doing so but I couldn’t help but feel this was unfair. My dps have form for favouring db. I often feel excluded from these family situations and there are some unhealthy family dynamics at play I have come to realise. My df called the day after I have had this discussion with db and says he will transfer the money over as is ready. I wait but several days later, nothing. I’m now wondering what on earth is going on, yes, I could ask but again I don’t want to “beg” or appear grabby. Please don’t judge, I know I am lucky in a way this has been offered (but I haven’t actually received it yet). It would be life changing for me and my ds. I feel so upset as I feel like I’m being played with. I’m starting to wonder if it will be given at all. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Ju1ieAndrews · 20/11/2023 13:44

Call your DF and say you're concerned that the money has been sent to the wrong account as you've yet to receive it.

For all you know your DPs could be waiting for a thank you after sending the money to someone else!!

It's a potentially life-changing sun of money that has been promised to you and you haven't received; you're not being grabby to be concerned as to its whereabouts.

gamerchick · 20/11/2023 13:44

Ask them. You know you need to have this conversation OP or it'll eat away at you. Maybe they're waiting to see what you've planned first.

Although shit like that shouldn't come with strings.

Inthegrotto · 20/11/2023 13:45

Might have been sent to the wrong account (although very unlikely!). You need to speak up. It isn't grabby.

LumpyPumpkin · 20/11/2023 13:48

Absolutely contact your Dad and tell him the transfer hasn't arrived yet. Ask when he sent it and check the bank details etc. My guess is he hasn't sent it but at least this way you can remind him to do it without appearing 'grabby'.

Not that I think you need to worry about appearing grabby. I would be really quite upset if my parents blatantly favoured a sibling over me like this and would have no issue if they thought I was being grabby.

WiIIowT · 20/11/2023 13:52

You're getting your money, he's told you you are. But your DB was buying a property therefore a need for it much sooner.

JustMarriedBecca · 20/11/2023 13:53

Or that it's such a large sum of money the bank are doing extra checks.
Contact your bank and see if it's in the system.

I can only transfer £20k a day without the bank thinking I'm committing money laundering. And I then end up being sent around every sub department in the bank whilst I try and transfer the money TO MYSELF.

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 13:53

Thank you, I will call him this evening and find out what’s going on. It’s all a bit odd I feel. I will update later…

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 20/11/2023 13:54

Is there any set timeline for the plans you have for the money? I would presume that your brother needed the money to fit his house buying schedule, but your plans can wait.

This is how it goes when my parents distribute money. My siblings have financial emergencies - new boiler etc. Whereas my investment plans can wait. Transferring 100k has implications on both sides, sounds like he's just getting round to it.

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 14:00

I think you are right thecats, I have no immediate plans, I will sit tight and call to check it’s not been sent somewhere random. 😵‍💫

OP posts:
gemloving · 20/11/2023 14:02

Reading between the lines: your father liked that the £100k are being used for a property for your brother and I believe that generation (from what I've seen) thinks a property is a very solid investment in your future.

If you have no use for the money right now, that's probably why you have not received it. You can speak to your parents about it though.

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 14:15

Yes gemloving, that is very true. My df would see property as a sound investment. The thing that bugs me is why say it will be transferred but then not be sent (possibly). I think I will call him now rather than wait.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 20/11/2023 14:30

I don't think you are grabby either. I hope they have just held it back for what they deem to be a suitable reason such as DB is buying a house so needs it now where as you don't. Not that they are playing games.

hattie43 · 20/11/2023 14:34

Why oh why do parents do this . I hate it when they treat children differently, it only ever leads to bad feeling and upset .
You have every right to feel confused and conflicted. I think one way to move things along would be for your brother to chivvy your dad along saying it's making him uncomfortable that he has received but you haven't . You will want a good relationship with your brother long after your parents are gone and this isn't helping that .

ollypollymolly · 20/11/2023 14:37

Maybe your df wanted you to ask him what to do with the money, rather than an IF. Then pretend you are going to do exactly that with the money.

once you have the money, continue as you were but tell df you have followed his advice.

it’s probably all about the amount of control your df can get over you and your db, subconsciously. So pretend you will be indebted. Hopefully then he will cough up

Pthalo · 20/11/2023 15:07

Ugh, sounds like your DD wants to make you beg for it. Maybe he doesn’t feel you’re being grateful enough, or he’s worried you’ll fritter it away on something he doesn’t approve of?

For £100k, I would both beg and be effusively grateful untik the money hit my account

Just tell him you plan to invest it in property it’s what that generation belives is best and they’re probably right.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 20/11/2023 15:12

You are not being grabby to trust your dps keep their word imo. That doesn't make you not nice op!

mansviewpoint · 20/11/2023 15:18

I'm sorry to hear that you are being mis-treated. I am in a similar situtation, where my sister recieved a much larger gift than I did. However the difference between our stories is that my parents explained it to me, and although I feel they were being sexist I understand why they did what they did. In your situation your parents have not explained it to you at all, and that is unfair and worse, is setting you up to fall short in their eyes, because you are going to ask them for the money. Personally If I were in your situation I'd have to have the discussion with the, but make it very clear it's not the amount of money, it's the lack of conversation about it. If your parents have strethed themselves too much, then they should just tell you and explain the problem. I'd be very tempted to tell them to keep the money if it's going to cause familiar problems, but to make sure that you tell your brother what's happened. He may not realise that he's seen as the golden boy and it may cause him to take it up with your parents.

Scaredycat23 · 20/11/2023 15:29

.

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 16:08

@mansviewpoint that is exactly how I feel, it’s the lack of discussion. It’s a horrid feeling, waiting, not knowing what is going on and then all the doubts creep in. I know that if I were giving that to my ds I would be on the phone, making sure he had got it ok and be excited for him. If I did have another child I would also gift as close together as possible and explain the steps. I could never think one was sitting there with that kind of gift and not the other. I just wouldn’t do it. I do understand there may have been a need for my db to have it before me but it’s the lack of explanation and communication. Like I said I feel there are deeper issues at play here. My feelings of being excluded somewhat within my family. I haven’t called him yet, why do I feel worried to do it? My df can be quite a controlling personality sometimes.

OP posts:
WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 20/11/2023 16:13

Communication is a problem here.

They are not communicating their plans with you but you aren't communicating with them either. Its a 2-way problem.

Stop texting and talk to them. Even better go and see them.

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 16:18

Have just text him to ask and said I was just checking it hadn’t gone astray…

OP posts:
mansviewpoint · 20/11/2023 16:19

Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 16:08

@mansviewpoint that is exactly how I feel, it’s the lack of discussion. It’s a horrid feeling, waiting, not knowing what is going on and then all the doubts creep in. I know that if I were giving that to my ds I would be on the phone, making sure he had got it ok and be excited for him. If I did have another child I would also gift as close together as possible and explain the steps. I could never think one was sitting there with that kind of gift and not the other. I just wouldn’t do it. I do understand there may have been a need for my db to have it before me but it’s the lack of explanation and communication. Like I said I feel there are deeper issues at play here. My feelings of being excluded somewhat within my family. I haven’t called him yet, why do I feel worried to do it? My df can be quite a controlling personality sometimes.

My DF is very similar I think. I really would suggest talking to your brother first, and asking him his opinion. It sounds like he is honest with you. It's really hard to know, but I think you are worried because your DF is controlling especially around money, and you are concerned that you "creating a problem" is going to cause an argument. The unhappy truth is that the problem is there already. The best thing is to not 'stand up' against your father but try to see him on your level, and to perhaps try to think that the money is not ammunition. P
erhaps phrasing it along the lines of "I'm concerned that you may have over-promised the money to mw, so if you are worried about leaving you and mum without enough money then please say, however I would really appreciate it if you could have told me that, because I thought that you were sending me and my brother the same amount of money at the same time and so felt that he was being prefered by getting the money first." it may be very difficult to say, but perhaps it's time that it was addressed properly. Unfotunately they should have addressed it to you first.

Restinggoddess · 20/11/2023 16:32

Await an update as to whether money has gone astray etc

Its important that the money is gifted in a timely fashion as within 7 years if death you and brother could have tax problems - this might be useful to prompt DF to gift the money sooner rather than later
Equally interest rates are changing and so despite the house being a good solid investment getting your money invested now will be best

I so hope it’s just a question of the bank wondering what’s going on

Dint feel grabby - your parents are gifting you something to avoid the inheritance tax that very rich people manage to avoid, it’s a good move and one more should do

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 16:33

@mansviewpoint yes, thanks, that sounds very reasonable to me, when my df first told me he was looking to gift that amount I was a bit taken back and I said to him, so long as you and dm are ok/still comfortable financially then I could accept. I do think good, relaxed, trusting communication is an issue between us.

@WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie yes, agree is a communication issue both ways.

OP posts:
JimnJoyce · 20/11/2023 16:38

that def isn't grabby

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