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Original poster

Large financial gift from parents to brother but not me

200 replies

Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 13:41

I feel so upset by this, I would appreciate others opinions on this matter. So my parents are in their 70s, well off and financially secure. My df called a few months ago and said that he was planning to gift 100k each to myself and my
brother . I understand this was partly to do with trying to avoid inheritance tax all being well. My df asked what I may have in mind for this and I said I would speak with a financial advisor and make sure it is managed wisely. I approached a FA and told them what was being planned. Told my df, then it all went a bit quiet. I waited and waited and then my brother announced he was in the process of buying a property. I text him and asked if he had received the money, he had months ago. I said that I hadn’t and didn’t want to ask as I felt grabby doing so but I couldn’t help but feel this was unfair. My dps have form for favouring db. I often feel excluded from these family situations and there are some unhealthy family dynamics at play I have come to realise. My df called the day after I have had this discussion with db and says he will transfer the money over as is ready. I wait but several days later, nothing. I’m now wondering what on earth is going on, yes, I could ask but again I don’t want to “beg” or appear grabby. Please don’t judge, I know I am lucky in a way this has been offered (but I haven’t actually received it yet). It would be life changing for me and my ds. I feel so upset as I feel like I’m being played with. I’m starting to wonder if it will be given at all. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Crochetablanket · 21/11/2023 19:58

overwhelmed2023 · 21/11/2023 19:24

Just ask.
I would like to give my children money ( not that much!) but would prefer to do it only for buying property so I'll probably make a judgement call about that in the future. Unless it was for the start of a business etc I can't see how it would be a good use of it so would probably change my mind depending on the plans.
As in, if they were looking to buy I would consider giving some money. If it was just a gift I would probably until we actually died.

That’s up to you and your choice.

In this case the OPs DF had offered without condition of it being for property.

As he had promised to transfer the next day I would be concerned the cash had gone astray too.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 21/11/2023 19:59

I feel like money should always be discussed face to face and followed up in writing.

Are you able to go see your parents and discuss it with them

Imagwine · 21/11/2023 20:10

Fingers crossed for you.

betterangels · 21/11/2023 20:12

Codlingmoths · 20/11/2023 21:13

It’s not grabby to follow up on a commitment made which has been delivered to your brother. Keep calmly following up.

This. It was promised to you and already given to your brother.

Vettrianofan · 21/11/2023 20:15

Your brother may get the £100k cash but they may be leaving you their own house when they pass away. Whereas your brother won't get this? Just another idea...

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 21/11/2023 20:17

Why on earth would you "WhatsApp" or text.

Your df is potentially giving you One hundred thousand pounds.

Could have at least have the decency to call and ask.

Now you are left wondering when you could have had an immediate answer.

DogInATent · 21/11/2023 20:19

OP, do you ever telephone your family and, you know, talk to them?
You text your brother.
Your father telephones you.
You text your father.
You text your father.

I know you don't want to sound grabby, but you come across as wanting to stay distant.

Meowandthen · 21/11/2023 20:25

Vettrianofan · 21/11/2023 20:15

Your brother may get the £100k cash but they may be leaving you their own house when they pass away. Whereas your brother won't get this? Just another idea...

Random

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 20:27

@Crabbypattys
As it is a gift and not an entitlement it is hard to be to persistent in your inquiry. Assuming that your father asked both of you what you were going to do with the funds, your brother's property purchase plan may have seemed the more concrete and pressing of the 2 plans.

Even in a short period of time something may have necessitated your father making a temporary change in his plans.

Is there a time when it won't be convenient for you to accept the gift? If so let him know that you aren't prepared to accept it after xyz date. Otherwise just sit back and wait. You have already text an inquiry to your father so he is aware of your thoughts at the moment.

ArcaneWireless · 21/11/2023 20:38

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 21/11/2023 20:17

Why on earth would you "WhatsApp" or text.

Your df is potentially giving you One hundred thousand pounds.

Could have at least have the decency to call and ask.

Now you are left wondering when you could have had an immediate answer.

OP did try to phone I think but there was no answer.

Ideally it would be better to talk but if there is any chance something has gone awry, a message of any kind is better than nothing at all I think.

MadeForThis · 21/11/2023 20:41

No reply at all is strange.

Vettrianofan · 21/11/2023 20:49

Meowandthen · 21/11/2023 20:25

Random

Show quote history

Not really. To her dad it obviously makes sense what he is doing. There will be a reason for it.

Once her Dad pops his clogs there's a chance he may have left money for her.

Thedm · 21/11/2023 20:51

Hope all is well OP. It can feel very unnerving when you’re offered something that could change your life and you start making plans, especially for your kids, and then it just doesn’t happen. You haven’t lost anything but you feel like you’ve missed a huge chance and it’s hard. Especially with your brother having received the money months ago.

Hopefully you’ve managed to speak to your dad, and it’s all ok.

daytriptovulcan · 21/11/2023 20:55

Is it possible they continue to intend gifting you the money, but just havent done it yet? Your only option is patience.

You could also discuss with them your investment plans for the money. So they dont forget. Isas, pension funds, or money set aside for kids. They obviously approved of property.

Houseofpainjumparound · 21/11/2023 20:58

When my dh received some early inheritance money from his Dp he had to go to the bank with dp and sign a letter with the dp to confirm receipt and it being genuine etc ...

WeeHaggisFace · 21/11/2023 21:00

I hope everything is OK with him and he has got in touch

Firefly2009 · 21/11/2023 21:01

Has your DF responded to you yet OP?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 21/11/2023 21:20

Are your parents aware that giving £200k as lump sum from their assets at age 70 plus could be viewed as “ deprivation of assets” by local government for care home fees.
it will depend on % of their asset this represents etc

but jeez, unless they were exceptionally wealthy, with a fast track route to Dignitas, I’d be telling them firmly to keep it.

my dads in care home. Has just been diagnosed with dementia age 87. He’s paying £800 a WEEK for his care even with some support funding due to 117 provision . We’ve calculated his home will need to be sold in 4 years time. It’s very likely, given his robust physical health, he’ll live longer than that.

just saying, I’d not give away those sort of sums even if wealthy. I’ve been round cheaper care homes and they are not very nice. Bad enough having to go into care home, I would want best option I could have.

StolenCookie · 21/11/2023 21:33

UPDATE please OP!

Verbena17 · 21/11/2023 21:37

Thought you could only gift £3k a year

ScrubMommy · 21/11/2023 21:40

Verbena17 · 21/11/2023 21:37

Thought you could only gift £3k a year

You can gift what you like, some of it falls outside of inheritance tax calculations.

HamBone · 21/11/2023 21:41

Verbena17 · 21/11/2023 21:37

Thought you could only gift £3k a year

£3K with no tax consequences, @Verbena17. You can give away far more if you accept the tax consequences.

FairFuming · 21/11/2023 21:52

Is it worth taking the angle of showing him what the FA has sent and asking his opinion? It does sound potentially controlling

Katej82 · 21/11/2023 21:53

Your not being unreasonable at all and must feel quite hurt it's not ' the money' yes it would really help but to gift your brother and not you despite all this time going on must really hurt and I'm sorry for that. I would do as another poster says just say I haven't received the gift as yet I was only checking to make sure you have sent it to the correct account. X

lesdeluges · 21/11/2023 22:01

Pay your parents a visit, bring a cake, sit down and talk to them, actually SPEAK to them face to face and bring up the subject of their gift.

Whatsapping and texting is very impersonal. Maybe your brother visited them already and got his gift handed to him in the form of a bank draft.

Maybe your bank draft is sitting waiting for you, and DF and DM are waiting for you to come and see them unprompted, so as to hand it to you personally.

You'd never know.....