Large financial gift from parents to brother but not me

[Crabbypattys]

I feel so upset by this, I would appreciate others opinions on this matter. So my parents are in their 70s, well off and financially secure. My df called a few months ago and said that he was planning to gift 100k each to myself and my
brother . I understand this was partly to do with trying to avoid inheritance tax all being well. My df asked what I may have in mind for this and I said I would speak with a financial advisor and make sure it is managed wisely. I approached a FA and told them what was being planned. Told my df, then it all went a bit quiet. I waited and waited and then my brother announced he was in the process of buying a property. I text him and asked if he had received the money, he had months ago. I said that I hadn’t and didn’t want to ask as I felt grabby doing so but I couldn’t help but feel this was unfair. My dps have form for favouring db. I often feel excluded from these family situations and there are some unhealthy family dynamics at play I have come to realise. My df called the day after I have had this discussion with db and says he will transfer the money over as is ready. I wait but several days later, nothing. I’m now wondering what on earth is going on, yes, I could ask but again I don’t want to “beg” or appear grabby. Please don’t judge, I know I am lucky in a way this has been offered (but I haven’t actually received it yet). It would be life changing for me and my ds. I feel so upset as I feel like I’m being played with. I’m starting to wonder if it will be given at all. Wwyd?

I'd be politely asking, it's like dangling a carrot.

Some people have weird relationships with there parents - she's obviously scared to ask him straight out for it and it sounds like the DF could be enjoying this game. it's not fair on the op or her son.

If dad doesn't answer and your too scared to talk to him. call your brother ask can you borrow 3K for something grown up heating system, car has died something not flippant. Tell him you'll pay him as soon as you get dads money. He could/will call dad and mention it sometimes you need to play the game.

You're not alone Op I'm rooting for you.

I would definitely call back tomorrow. I have a similar situation with my mum and my db! He has always been my mums favourite and anything to do with my late fathers estate is a conversation they have between themselves. I’m only ever told anything when they need my
signature as I am an executor of the will.

Aside from the money it just makes you feel like shit doesn’t it?

This is the sort of thing my parents would do. They promise gifts to all of us, but only my sister gets anything. As soon as anyone mentions it, this is used as an excuse to give the rest of us nothing. (TBF, saying nothing doesn't help either!).
OP, I hope you have a better resolution, but this is a sadly familiar pattern to me.

Any more updates?

Jeez, I don't think they've taken financial advice if they're gifting that amount of money in one go. Not wise at all and potentially pretty disastrous for you both if they die within 7 years. Maybe they're having second thoughts. Hope you get it sorted though as I know 'not knowing' can cause anxiety.

I've been following this thread!

From my own personal perspective I would say this is triangulation. I have the same experience and piecing it all together like a jigsaw now, their actions were very much calculated to cause division and isolate me.

You mentioned they ‘have form’ upthread I think? I do hope this is not the case.

Me too!

Hope it goes ok op.

Perhaps ask your df if he thinks buying a property would be a better idea? Some men love to mansplain, even if they're wrong. I'd be very open, say you know db has started house purchase & you're considering the same.

Also say, if they've changed their mind for any reason whatsoever, please just let you know asap.

Hope it works out ok, although like pp says if he dies if 7 years it will be added back into his estate for iht purposes. 💐

Hi Dad, am a bit worried because nothing has shown up in my bank yet and wanted to check it hasn’t gone astray. My financial advisor has a firm investment plan for me and is waiting to go. Thank you so much for this, it will change our lives x

Nah, I don't buy all this your brother needed it now so he got first, he's had his for months and your dad said he was transferring it when he didn't. There's something else going on here.

Call your dad or pop round and say your concerned the money hasn't hit your account and for him to check the details of the account he sent it to. If he says he hasn't sent it then ask why. I'd be annoyed. Your not grabby, they offered you the money and your brother has already had his. Be prepared for them saying your brother got your share for the house.

BTW look up the rules for inheritance tax. If someone gives a large sum of money away withing 7 years of passing away then that money still counts as their money. I could be wrong but I'm sure that's how it works. You could end up owing money to the taxman.

I've had this kind of thing in my family too, OP, and so I understand your anxiety and the feeling of injustice.

Is it possible that the gifts weren't your father's idea? Might your brother have told your father that he wanted to move to a more expensive property and asked for the money? Perhaps that's why he's already received it.

I don't understand why family can't see (or don't care) how damaging it is to favour one child over another, but I know it happens.

Did your df reply @Crabbypattys?

Maybe your DB calls your DF rather than texting to say where’s my £100k? Communication is clearly an issue and I would hazard a guess that your DB has better communication with your DF.

If I were your father I would be waiting for you to show up at his home in person and fully explain your plan and the advice that you received. He might be biased towards property or certain investments or even FAs. It is his money and his gift to give. The money might not be ready or accessable yet.

When transferring the gift I would make sure it is in person at a bank. Some terrible scams have happened when transferring large amounts and you and your father should eliminate any risk, spend a little bit more time and make sure the gift is safe.

You are very fortunate and right to want to be thankful and sensible.

Ask your father about it. The money may have gone missing during the transfer or gone to the wrong account. He has said he will give it to you so it’s best to check where it is.

I don’t think asking where the money went is grabby. I would be concerned that they sent it to the wrong bank account, a mistake which is easy, if one number is wrong.

I would also mention that I would be using this money to buy a house/new house as perhaps that’s why he gave the brother and not you! Of course, once you have the money, you don’t have to buy a property, but if you’re already in a mortgaged home then 100K would be nice to pay down the mortgage .

I hope you get an answer soon OP.

It's not a pleasant situation you're in, knowing about the money, your brother receiving his share, and no news on yours.

He liked your brother's plan to immediately buy a home but he didn't like your slightly wishy-washy plan to 'talk to a financial adviser.'

I understand previous posts about treating grown up children equally and the unfairness of offering it and then seeming reluctant to part with it, but I would also want to feel convinced that my gift was going to be used wisely and not be frittered away.

He wants to feel reassured that it'll be used to make a lasting or significant difference to your life and it seems that he's anxious about handing it over until he feels reassured.

I understand that you'll be investing it but what are your eventual plans for the money?

What are you investing it for?

Maybe sharing that info will help - investing it as a pension, setting aside school fees, buying a reliable car and paying off some of your mortgage to reduce your monthly outgoings, having the holiday of a lifetime and then investing the rest. I think this is the sort of thing he's looking for.

To me it sounds like your brother needed the money but this was DFs way of subtly telling you. There's actually only 100k for your brother but they haven't enough to pay yours but are hoping you'll get yours later. Also as you had no real need for it, they didn't stress over it but now you are chasing, they are avoiding you

How did it go @Crabbypattys ?

I know you said DF is capable and financially aware, but some types of dementia, eg FTD can be hidden and often seem to strike clever people.

Just to be aware and consider if there's any issue, one of the symptoms is 'executive function' and planning and task execution fits into that category.

We don't know how close OP lives to her family.

It might be a five hour drive.