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Original poster

Large financial gift from parents to brother but not me

200 replies

Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 13:41

I feel so upset by this, I would appreciate others opinions on this matter. So my parents are in their 70s, well off and financially secure. My df called a few months ago and said that he was planning to gift 100k each to myself and my
brother . I understand this was partly to do with trying to avoid inheritance tax all being well. My df asked what I may have in mind for this and I said I would speak with a financial advisor and make sure it is managed wisely. I approached a FA and told them what was being planned. Told my df, then it all went a bit quiet. I waited and waited and then my brother announced he was in the process of buying a property. I text him and asked if he had received the money, he had months ago. I said that I hadn’t and didn’t want to ask as I felt grabby doing so but I couldn’t help but feel this was unfair. My dps have form for favouring db. I often feel excluded from these family situations and there are some unhealthy family dynamics at play I have come to realise. My df called the day after I have had this discussion with db and says he will transfer the money over as is ready. I wait but several days later, nothing. I’m now wondering what on earth is going on, yes, I could ask but again I don’t want to “beg” or appear grabby. Please don’t judge, I know I am lucky in a way this has been offered (but I haven’t actually received it yet). It would be life changing for me and my ds. I feel so upset as I feel like I’m being played with. I’m starting to wonder if it will be given at all. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 19:14

I’ve called, no answer, maybe busy? and left a WhatsApp. It’s not been read.. I have a bad feeling about it.
my brother is not in dire straits at all with housing situation, in fact has been now able to upgrade quite substantially. I did wonder if there had been a mistake with the amount given to him but how on earth could anyone not notice that amount of extra money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 19:29

How did you cope with that situation, it is so thoughtless. I’m sorry that happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 19:31

The above message was for @SM4713

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 20/11/2023 19:37

My parents are of the same generation. Maybe they think you don’t need it since you said you’ll speak to someone over what to do with it. Maybe your brother spoke and said oh I’ll buy a house etc. I know my parents would give to the person buying a house first etc. if you don’t hear back I would say you need the money for this this or this even if you don’t and see what happens.

FlamingoQueen · 20/11/2023 19:50

Say you’ve started looking at houses!

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 19:55

@FlamingoQueen 😂, great idea, I’m going on rightmove now

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 20/11/2023 20:05

Ils gve us an empty card for a wedding gift... Fil put 200 quid in quickly thinking we hadn't noticed.
Tbf as mil wasn't invited we expected nothing!

HeckyPeck · 20/11/2023 20:09

I hope it gets sorted soon OP 🤞🏻

Soontobe60 · 20/11/2023 20:12

Id be very careful - I’m assuming your parents have the equivalent in over £1mil in savings / property hence the desire to give away £200k to avoid inheritance tax. If they both die within 7 years of the money being handed over, the £200k will still be subject to IHT. Do you know how that will be paid off?

BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 20:13

great idea, I’m going on rightmove now

Again, coming across as grabby, it’s a gift from them to you, they are under no obligation to give it to you

I got quite a large financial gift from my parents, I was told I was going to get it, not once did I phone them up asking where it was, they gave it to me when all admin / solicitors side of things were completed.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking where it was or putting pressure on them to give it to me …….as it was a gift!

AnneValentine · 20/11/2023 20:15

Soontobe60 · 20/11/2023 20:12

Id be very careful - I’m assuming your parents have the equivalent in over £1mil in savings / property hence the desire to give away £200k to avoid inheritance tax. If they both die within 7 years of the money being handed over, the £200k will still be subject to IHT. Do you know how that will be paid off?

Out of the estate clearly.

Concannon88 · 20/11/2023 20:21

Do they also give the agreed amount to your sibling first, months beforehand and then say you would be getting it and it not turn up?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 20/11/2023 20:24

Id also be wondering how much db got.

MaggieBsBoat · 20/11/2023 20:28

BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 20:13

great idea, I’m going on rightmove now

Again, coming across as grabby, it’s a gift from them to you, they are under no obligation to give it to you

I got quite a large financial gift from my parents, I was told I was going to get it, not once did I phone them up asking where it was, they gave it to me when all admin / solicitors side of things were completed.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking where it was or putting pressure on them to give it to me …….as it was a gift!

I think @Crabbypattys is only reacting this way because her brother has received a large sum of money and the difference in how they are being treated is unfair and painful.

BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 20:31

@MaggieBsBoat

She has been told she is getting it

HeckyPeck · 20/11/2023 20:34

BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 20:13

great idea, I’m going on rightmove now

Again, coming across as grabby, it’s a gift from them to you, they are under no obligation to give it to you

I got quite a large financial gift from my parents, I was told I was going to get it, not once did I phone them up asking where it was, they gave it to me when all admin / solicitors side of things were completed.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking where it was or putting pressure on them to give it to me …….as it was a gift!

Would you honestly have not said anything if they gave your sibling the promised sum months before and then went silent on you about it?

I think that would be a very unusual response.

321user123 · 20/11/2023 20:53

OP you need to tell him you’re looking to buy a house! 🫣😏

Dymaxion · 20/11/2023 20:56

@BlueGrey1 if your promised gift never materialised would you have mentioned it to your parents ?

BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 21:08

@HeckyPeck

i honestly wouldn’t have said anything and trusted that it was coming my way,

I have other siblings, we all got substantial financial gifts, never asked them when they go theirs or even discussed with them how much they got,

As I said previously, it was a gift and I was more than happy with what. I got and never asked for it

Codlingmoths · 20/11/2023 21:13

It’s not grabby to follow up on a commitment made which has been delivered to your brother. Keep calmly following up.

Longsight2019 · 20/11/2023 21:20

He’s either teasing you with control. Or he isn’t giving the transaction the same gravitas as you understandably are.

Weve experienced this in my wife’s family. One of five siblings where some were put through private education and bought their first car, debt paid off etc. But not for my wife being the oldest. I think being with me influenced some of it. Like they didn’t want to benefit someone else incase we divorced. Sad really as we’d be so much further down the mortgage had we have been helped like the others.

With our children we make sure what we do for one we do for the others. I could not stand to see one flourish financially whilst another struggled. I also could not waste huge chunks of inheritance that could benefit my children and change their lives, instead buying second cars and lavish furniture. It’s pretty gross.

OP - he’ll send it. Don’t worry.

Gowlett · 20/11/2023 22:11

No it’s not grabby. I have the exact dynamic in my family.
Is your brother more “successful” than you?
With my sister, she has a much better lifestyle than me (her DH is rich) so my parents work within the logic that they “need” the money more than me. For new cars, holidays, an extension, a house move… Whereas, I have none of these of things, so I don’t “need” any money.
Also, my sister isn’t shy about asking. Like you, I don’t like asking. It makes me feel uncomfortable. But then, I lose out.
If I mention holidays (haven’t been away in years) or a big purchase my mum immediately comments on how cab we afford it, do we really need it etc… Whereas, with my sister she’ll happily inform me of their well-deserved breaks & new windows / kitchen etc…
It does make you feel second best. I love my parents, but they do mention these tax things to me & it never transpires. We’ve sat down as a family & gone through their will with a solicitor but I think my sister will siphon off plenty of cash, and then get her share of that as well.

Ktime · 20/11/2023 22:13

Ask for the money!

Your bro gets money because he is clear he wants it.

Don’t be shy, be brave!

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/11/2023 22:21

I would definitely talk about houses. I really hope he has a good reason for the delay.

GirlOfTudor · 20/11/2023 22:35

This must be a nice problem to have!!!

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