Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Large financial gift from parents to brother but not me

200 replies

Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 13:41

I feel so upset by this, I would appreciate others opinions on this matter. So my parents are in their 70s, well off and financially secure. My df called a few months ago and said that he was planning to gift 100k each to myself and my
brother . I understand this was partly to do with trying to avoid inheritance tax all being well. My df asked what I may have in mind for this and I said I would speak with a financial advisor and make sure it is managed wisely. I approached a FA and told them what was being planned. Told my df, then it all went a bit quiet. I waited and waited and then my brother announced he was in the process of buying a property. I text him and asked if he had received the money, he had months ago. I said that I hadn’t and didn’t want to ask as I felt grabby doing so but I couldn’t help but feel this was unfair. My dps have form for favouring db. I often feel excluded from these family situations and there are some unhealthy family dynamics at play I have come to realise. My df called the day after I have had this discussion with db and says he will transfer the money over as is ready. I wait but several days later, nothing. I’m now wondering what on earth is going on, yes, I could ask but again I don’t want to “beg” or appear grabby. Please don’t judge, I know I am lucky in a way this has been offered (but I haven’t actually received it yet). It would be life changing for me and my ds. I feel so upset as I feel like I’m being played with. I’m starting to wonder if it will be given at all. Wwyd?

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 16:50

You're getting your money, he's told you you are. But your DB was buying a property therefore a need for it much sooner.

This
he has told you that you will be getting it so I’m sure you will, do you need it this week or something?
Calm down and wait for it, it’s a gift, they can give it to you when they want.
Your brother seemed to need it more urgently than you so they prioritised that.
I would think your DF will let you know when he transfers it
You seem quite grabby

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 16:52

I’m still waiting for a reply, I have just had email from the FA who are putting an investment plan together. I don’t know what to say…Ive based a whole future around this for me and ds, I researched reputable FA and had a long meeting with them. I feel a bit sick. I will update when I get a reply..

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 20/11/2023 16:56

i really think you are over reacting.

they have said they will transfer it, so why disbelieve them - currently you do not need it RIGHT NOW, so wait until they respond about the transfer (its on its way or they need to get into the bank to do it) and then mention you were going to do xyz with it, via a IFA and when do they expect to be able to transfer it?

if my parents did the transfer to my sister first as she was completing on a house and then me after, i'd just assume it was logistics - freeing up £100k first for the immediate need and then £100k from other stuff for next person.

but i trust my parents 100%.

Pipa42 · 20/11/2023 16:59

I’d feel sad if my parents left money to one of my DC but not the others (without any good reason) but don’t think it would bother me personally, but more just the reason why rather than the money. If the reason was apparent, e.g. my sibling had become widowed, didn’t own a house etc then I’d be fine about it. Does seem the communication is lacking from the parents somewhat, maybe they’re still undecided

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 17:00

@BlueGrey1 i think part of the problem is that if my df said that he would start to transfer this week with an implication that as it’s in instalments due to the amount , and it hasn’t materialised it’s a worry. If he text and said, look there has been this delay or something that would be less stressful. It’s all just a bit strange. I am incredibly grateful and I really know the struggle and value of money also the generosity involved. You are right in that he has said he will do it and have to trust that.

OP posts:
PeppermintMandy · 20/11/2023 17:09

You really are panicking over nothing.

Your brother got his first as it’s an immediate need, and it’s also much easier to transfer someone that amount of money when it’s for property.

It is not an easy task to transfer someone 100k. You can’t just go into your online banking and do it. It’s especially difficult for people in their 70s as whoever is storing their money has an obligation to make sure they aren’t being scammed. They also have an obligation to flag potential tax avoidance (which this is to be fair).

They also might not literally have 100k sat in a bank somewhere for you. It could be tied up in several different places as part of a portfolio.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/11/2023 17:13

You've done the right thing in asking, OP; I wouldn't normally have said so, except that the suggestion came from him in the first place

Since you've said he can be controlling the only thing I'd add is that it might have been a bit premature to have "based a whole future around this", but here's hoping it all works out

SM4713 · 20/11/2023 17:16

In addition to the text, send your bank details again, or ask him where he has sent the 1st installment.

I understand the confusion and upset this sort of shit can cause. PIL's paid for a £20,000 wedding for my SIL, 18yrs ago, paid similar for DH's step brother. We paid for our own wedding, and were sent a cheque for £3,000, but told not to cash it. 2 weeks later, they took the SIL, her husband and 4 children to Disneyland!

Original poster
Crabbypattys · 20/11/2023 17:18

@PeppermintMandy he is a usually a very competent person and being in his 70s is not an issue. He has full mental capacity and is very au fait with online banking We had a discussion about it being available now (I understand there are processes involved in accessing investments) that has been done now, hence the discussion about the start to gift it. It’s worrying after a discussion like that that it hasn’t happened. That is part of the issue.

OP posts:
tara66 · 20/11/2023 17:54

To keep the ball rolling you can let DF know you're aware he can only transfer £10,000 a day to an account that is not in his name. So transfer will take 10 days to transfer £100,000. ( this applies even if paying HMRC lump sum!)

TeenDivided · 20/11/2023 17:58

Why not phone and have a conversation?

tara66 · 20/11/2023 18:00

Having said the above - I don't know how cheques for more than £10,000 are dealt with now!

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 20/11/2023 18:01

SM4713 · 20/11/2023 17:16

In addition to the text, send your bank details again, or ask him where he has sent the 1st installment.

I understand the confusion and upset this sort of shit can cause. PIL's paid for a £20,000 wedding for my SIL, 18yrs ago, paid similar for DH's step brother. We paid for our own wedding, and were sent a cheque for £3,000, but told not to cash it. 2 weeks later, they took the SIL, her husband and 4 children to Disneyland!

@SM4713 you were told not to cash it? 😳

Energeticsnail · 20/11/2023 18:02

TeenDivided · 20/11/2023 17:58

Why not phone and have a conversation?

This! Does nobody do this anymore?

AnneValentine · 20/11/2023 18:13

  1. ring him

  2. there are tax implications of this gift.

tara66 · 20/11/2023 18:16

If he has to cash in investments - it can take several weeks for money to be withdrawn - like 6 weeks is not unusual with some equity investment funds. Also his investments may be ''down'' at present time, so he could be waiting for them to ''improve'' in value? If he has fixed bonds - then the money can only be released until time has expired - as in a one / two etc year bond .

SM4713 · 20/11/2023 18:17

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 20/11/2023 18:01

@SM4713 you were told not to cash it? 😳

Show quote history

Yes! MIL said we couldn't cash the wedding cheque because they couldn't afford it! 😕

Canisaysomething · 20/11/2023 18:31

If someone tells me they are transferring a tenner and it doesn’t arrive I let them know. I would definitely let someone know if they were transferring 100k and it didn’t arrive!!!

suggestionsplease1 · 20/11/2023 18:39

My friend was in this exact situation OP, and it was due to the nature of the investments that the money was released gradually in chunks.

Her parents prioritised her brother firstly as he had an unstable housing situation for his kids and she was entirely settled with no financial concerns whatsoever. But they promised and delivered equally to both siblings but it was almost 8 months later for her due to how the money could be released.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 20/11/2023 18:41

when was the money transferred, some banks have poor service on weekends.
some banks hold large sums to check for money laundering.
but i would be tracking this like a hawk for fear of it going amiss.

Concannon88 · 20/11/2023 18:45

What is he playing at? You didnt ask for it, he offered, he then gives to your brother but not you and doeant explain why, and now this.

Concannon88 · 20/11/2023 18:46

Theres literally no way of knowing that at this point. Brother could have bought the property because he had his first. If her father is well off, why would the brother get his first and not both at the same time.

PremiumRaa · 20/11/2023 18:53

It is strange that he hasn't called you and explained when you would receive the money. Are they stalling for some reason?

2jacqi · 20/11/2023 18:53

@Crabbypattys are you sure he didnt give your db yours as well to help him buy the house and is now struggling to release some cash for you?? (as in, did he give the golden boy both large amounts for house) maybe ask db how much he received from your df

ArcaneWireless · 20/11/2023 19:00

I get this. Though not with such a large sum of money.

Big grand gestures and offers are spoken about for all of us but don’t ever materialise for me.

I now treat my ‘gifts’ as the empty gestures they are and don’t expect a thing.

Your situation is different because it is such a large amount of money and it is important that you check to make sure something untoward hasn’t happened to it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread