Large financial gift from parents to brother but not me

[Crabbypattys]

I feel so upset by this, I would appreciate others opinions on this matter. So my parents are in their 70s, well off and financially secure. My df called a few months ago and said that he was planning to gift 100k each to myself and my
brother . I understand this was partly to do with trying to avoid inheritance tax all being well. My df asked what I may have in mind for this and I said I would speak with a financial advisor and make sure it is managed wisely. I approached a FA and told them what was being planned. Told my df, then it all went a bit quiet. I waited and waited and then my brother announced he was in the process of buying a property. I text him and asked if he had received the money, he had months ago. I said that I hadn’t and didn’t want to ask as I felt grabby doing so but I couldn’t help but feel this was unfair. My dps have form for favouring db. I often feel excluded from these family situations and there are some unhealthy family dynamics at play I have come to realise. My df called the day after I have had this discussion with db and says he will transfer the money over as is ready. I wait but several days later, nothing. I’m now wondering what on earth is going on, yes, I could ask but again I don’t want to “beg” or appear grabby. Please don’t judge, I know I am lucky in a way this has been offered (but I haven’t actually received it yet). It would be life changing for me and my ds. I feel so upset as I feel like I’m being played with. I’m starting to wonder if it will be given at all. Wwyd?

She has called. Read the updates before Commenting. And why presume people prefer calls over messages? I work in mental health and so many people dont want phone calls.

NRTFT, but if either of DP need to go into a care home, their LA could see it as a deliberate deprivation of assets. Depending on their policy, they could go back in time, and demand DB gives them back, the amount of money gifted. Unless of course, they are so wealthy a £100,000 is a drop in the ocean, and they could fund their own care for years, regardless of how much they gave away?

Has either DP had something like a heart attack, stroke, cancer or some other serious illness? It’s best to give money before anything like that strikes - because once DP has had that, it is more likely be seen as deprivation of assets.

I personally would not rely on a substantial gift of cash from elderly parents, in case the LA clawed it back a few years later? How would DB feel if he had to sell the property he’s bought, in a few years time? A big inconvenience, what with transaction costs?

1OP. come on and let us know. I am so invested here lol

To be honest, I think you’re going to get the money. He has told you that you would…twice.

Personally, I think you need to believe him. It is a very generous gift. Try to see the positives in that.

Is the issue really that you have made plans for this money and have been working with a FA to a timeframe, before you’ve actually had the money? That has probably been an error, especially as a specific timeframe and a timeframe for all of the money hasn’t been identified. You should have waited.

So, at this stage, you could speak to your Dad and tell him what you’ve got planned and that you’ve spoken to a FA and have plans in place. You can ask for clarification if when the money is coming and if it’s coming in phases…..you can ask for that info so that you can let the FA know and tell him that’s why you’re asking.

I actually think one of the reasons you’re feeling rather cross, is actually because you’ve jumped the gun a bit with the FA and perhaos indicated that you have the money already when you don’t and now feel 7nder pressure from the FA to complete in the investment. Have you paid for their advice or already committed fully to the investment? Is it this which is making you feel anxious and cross towards your DF.

My in-laws told us we would be given a lump sum. It was mentioned with no timescale and then not mentioned again for months. We were excited but knew it was unlikely to be speedy and releasing the money might take time..although timeframes hadn’t been mentioned. Almost a year passed and nothing else was said about it. Fortunately for us, we weren’t planning a specific spend of the money. We could have asked sooner if we’d wanted to and the inkwaws would have been oerfectly happy if we had. I think they felt they were planning a geneorus gift, but the timescale want really something they thought about, ir the fact we might start planning to use it. This is because they’ve always had lots of cash and not had to rely on sudden bursts of income…..so it just wouldn’t be on their radar that others might start planning to use the money. You could see it as selfish or controlling, but I saw the whole thing as very generous and that unless we had a desperate need for the money, we had to just go with their timeframe. Sometimes parents ir in-laws also can make passing vague remarks about giving a big chunk of money. They make it as a passing comment and mean that at some time in the medium term future they will do it….but the listener can imagine a big cheque in the next mi th and start planning to spend it, so it’s easy for expectations to be different and resentment to grow.

Is it the case that you’ve made assumptions about timing and if it comes in one go or phases and been a bit speedy in planning to invest and it’s that which has made you cross. It seems to me that a very generous gift is in its way at some point. Perhaos focus on that as a positive. If you have set plans in motion that mean you need the money sooner…Perhaos your DF hadn’t realised the nature of these as you didn’t tell him?

Oh and in our scenario, after almost a year when the mention of a sizeable sum was made, my DH mentioned it to his Dad and said we had an idea of something we’d like to do with it. It then emerged that the ink was had loosely been looking at their finances and doing some rearranging but hadn’t actually released the money for us or the other children. The promise of money really had no timescale on it in their minds. But when DH mentioned a planned project we had, his Dad then got onto it and was able to release the money and get it to us in about 3 months…and was happy to do so. But that communication about it was needed.

It’s so easy for well-off relatives to tell younger ones that they want to gift them a chunk of cash….. but they might mean in a week or a year or 5 years or in the distant future. The recipient often hears it as cash coming soon. There’s a mis-match going on.

Usually as the recipient you wait patiently and that feels apppropriate, esp if you don’t need the money for something specific. If you do, you often have to enquire and pin it down a bit more. And also you have to be prepared that when it’s pinned down, the amount or timescales might not be quite what you’d hoped for. It’s why it’s best not to make concrete plans until you actually have then money. Sometimes people make seeming promises ir suggestions which are very generous and when they look at the finances ir think about it a bit more or have to act, the reality isn’t as generous as first mentioned. Definitely factor that in…and try not to be annoyed. A gift is a gift and the amount and timing is up to the giver. Assume nothing and if you need timescales and amounts….you have to ask. Sometimes you have to ask more than once or seek further clarification. It’s much better than letting resentment grow.

PIL were left a house 20 years ago, FIL rented it out, talked about it, loved the income but wanted a medal for not putting the rent up much.
Spent nothing on it.
Decided to finally sell. Told all the kids they'd be getting 100k each. Everyone excited, cautious and wistful.
Turns out by the time capital gains and fees are paid it's 80k
And PIL are 88, so if they pop their clogs next year inheritance tax is due so actually the windfall is 48k guaranteed, but increasing every year they live.

SIL has quite serious cancer, I'm so angry about that I channel it in to FIL's ridiculous selfish ego for taking so bloody long to sort it all out that his bloody daughter is missing out on a considerable cushion of money and she might not even make it 7years.

I'm an in-law, so not my circus but they just don't talk or communicate, it's a family full of good manners and a stoic attitude, the politeness used to stifle money that could be used to make life better.

And your right @WombatChocolate it is sometimes mismatched timescales. The PIL do seem to think they are immortal, that everything can take its time. One year is much like the next.
For us, each academic year has another milestone - primary, sats, secondary, GCSEs, 6th form, etc.

We're busy trying to split uni open days, work experience, uni pick ups across two parents and limited leave. The calendar for next year is already booked up. We have to plan ahead with form dates not a wishy washy sometime

Thank you for all your responses, It has been thought provoking. I did get through to df, we had good talk about many things. He has started the process to transfer the money. This whole thing has really brought to my attention where we are in life as a family, older parents and their potential future needs and also that I am also in a different stage now. We do all live far apart and I realise communication, regularly is important. Things maybe sometimes strained or unconventional but we still care. I’m not going to comment further but thanks again for input.

Glad it's turned out to be a positive outcome for you op.

Glad for you that it worked out.

Having been through similar, I am so glad to hear your update

why the delay?

@Crabbypattys

I'm so pleased that you spoke with DF, not only about money but a range of things. Sometimes it's like parents don't see us as adults, but still as children, and I think for male folk of a certain generation, this seems to go doubly for girls! My own DF is always giving me advice to take this, that or the other supplement! I think he forgets I'm a very experienced nurse, who was also a curious person so I used to pump the doctors for information about medications, illnesses and one memorable time (my DH ended up calling my ward as it was well after midnight and my shift had finished at 21:30) a surgeon sat and talked to me at length about wounds, joints and healing!

You got the money 🤑

Glad to hear you had that conversation, OP

So glad you got sorted OP. I've lost both my parents unexpectedly on the last 2 years & taken on the paperwork for IHT & probate, (small estate but they'd made the 4 dc tenants in common so full paperwork had to be completed)

Communication is so important for financial & personal wishes after death & end of life so if you can keep talking, try to make sure they've noted their wishes & have wills etc. Same for yourself but whilst doing so, enjoy your gift & best of luck. We've had a similar gift from pil & done some practical things & now looking for a small property to let until dc are older.

I’m glad it’s sorted.

Looking at the heading of this thread…it was pretty misleading really! OP’s father had promised them both gifts - not just one of them! The timescales were a bit different for them both, but there was never a suggestion that OP wouldn’t receive a gift, which is what the title says.

I’m not sure if OP made it sound more dramatic to get people to click on the thread, or if she genuinely had a sense that even though her DF had twice said she would get the gift, that she wouldn’t.

I’d agree about the need to communicate and not assume anything. And that goes for timescales too. As had been said upthread, a promise of a gift can be on a vague timescale in the giver’s mind, whilst the person due to receive often imagines it’s coming quickly. It can feel awkward to ask or to pin down, but if you have a specific project in mind, talking about that project and the gift being instrumental in it, can allow the conversation about timing to proceed more easily.

If ever you are relying on money from someone else at any point, it’s best to be clear about amounts and timing. So many families have people making assumptions and this later leads to bitterness and usually it’s misunderstanding more than anything else. Likewise, if any of us find ourselves in the position to give, possibly to children or others, it’s worth us bearing in mind that being clear if the gift is likely to be forthcoming in the short or medium term at least, and giving a figure is helpful too. Usually when we are gifting, the amount we are giving means less to us than the person receiving it. It might be ‘only £10k’ to us if we have several hundred £k in the bank, but that £10k probably gets the child over the brink to a house deposit or allows an extension to go ahead, which might nit otherwise. Knowing the gift is £10k, rather than £1k or £100k let’s the recipient avoid getting ahead of themselves and planning something far bigger than the gift will cover.

What a self promoting silly topic, it was so clear that the money was always coming. Zero need to post this. Ring parents, ask have they sent it, or text sorry haven’t received it.

@Pj1945 Having experienced similar, I can tell you there are never any guarantees that people will go through with their stated intentions with respect to gifting money to their relatives.

Why oh why do parents do this . I hate it when they treat children differently, it only ever leads to bad feeling and upset
I have two daughters, hattie43. There is a 21 year age difference. DD1, Generation X, had a free education and was earning £100,00 a year. DD2, Millennial, had a student debt that made her cry every time she opened the statement, was working on a zero hours contract at 'living wage'. Some weeks she had no shifts at all - so no income. She was sleeping on an airbed on her brother's conservatory floor. We downsized. We chose to buy DD2 the cheapest flat available in the town in which she lived and worked, on the understanding that our Will would be adjusted to reflect this when we shuffle off, ie the cost of the flat will be deducted from her 'share' of the inheritance. The peace of mind I got from knowing DD2 was not in danger of being homeless can't be described.
Meanwhile, however, DD1 quit her job to 'become a writer'. She started giving us a hard time and harassing DD2 about what we'd done to the extent that DD2 felt so guilty that she offered to sell her flat and give the money to her sister - who, incidentally, already had her own house.
So maybe don't judge if you don't know the circumstances. Sometimes being fair can mean 'to each according to their needs'.

I agree with this.

My brother and I haven't received the exact same things from my parents (e.g. he went to private school and I went to a state grammar, but my parents helped me out many times with money - a lot more than they helped my brother but he needed it less, but then they usually spend more on him when buying gifts if he needs expensive IT equipment). It all depends on the circumstances at the time. There's no resentment at all between me and my brother and I wouldn't expect our parents to treat us identical because our circumstances are not identical.

But it illustrates my point exactly , your elder daughter bullying your younger to the point your younger is talking of selling her flat and splitting the money . You created that upset . You should have treated them equally .

But it illustrates my point exactly , your elder daughter bullying your younger to the point your younger is talking of selling her flat and splitting the money . You created that upset . You should have treated them equally .
I disagree with you hattie43, I have five children, all with different needs. The proceeds from downsizing was/is our pension after a lifetime of freelance work with no occupational pension or savings. (Five kids). Treating them all equally was therefore not possible - at least until we die. DD1 had all the opportunities of her generation but is (I'm afraid) an absolute grifter. DD2 is generous and hardworking, but, like many of her generation, was struggling to find decently paid work. She wasn't offering to 'split' the proceeds from selling her flat, but to give it to her sister, who is very domineering. Said sister had enough equity to buy a place outright but didn't want to because she preferred to spend money on holidays and not working so she could be a writer. One sister was homeless, very low income and with huge debt. The other sister had a very expensive house in London, earned a six-figure sum in finance. The need was different. If we had divided the money equally between five children, none of us would have had enough. As it is, DD2 has now got on her feet and is repaying us. DD1, I'm afraid, is very entitled and would have just fritted her share away. She is spending her equity on holidays and partying. She has not become a writer,

Oh dear, did DD1 know about the arrangement with DD2 about the inheritance? I really hope DD2 did not sell the house and give the money to her sister.

@Crabbypattys - just wondering if the money has reached your bank account yet? I'm hoping it has and that you're planning on how to invest/spend it.