Being roped into caregiving

[Newbie690]

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

She now never falls it should say. Sorry! Got a cat on my lap needing attention can’t type and cat.

@perpetuallytired99 I have a brilliant relationship with my parents and want to keep it that way so I will not be their carer. I’m not abandoning them, but I won’t be a carer for them.

Or childfree people, have we also been ‘short sighted’ about our future care?

Yes, apparently I have (am childfree) - was told 'but who will look after you when you are old?'. It's a good question. I don't have the answer. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to have kids just so they could 'look after me'. It would be nice to have help say with shopping or small tasks, but absolutely not more intense caring. I would not want my child to be washing, feeding me etc.

When it comes to adult care, it becomes irrelevant who had good parenting or not. You seem to be blaming children of the elderly for a failing social care system. The fact is, whether you had the best parents in the world or not, caring for them in old age is not feasible in this day and age. It’s not selfish to not give up a career, your home, your duties to others like your own children because your parents selfishly expected you to give them full time care. Most of us will get old, it’s up to us to make sure we have planned for that and not have expectations from the children we had.

Caring is horrific at times, I’ve read somewhere that the mental impact is similar to PTSD suffered by soldiers. It’s completely unfair to look at someone in distain for not wanting to put themselves through that.

Oh apparently it’s fine for us with children who cannot in any capacity provide care for their aging parents, or those who are childfree to face the horrors of care home neglect. It’s those who have had children and raised them ‘right’ who should allow those kids to face the hell that is elderly care, made 100x worse by watching the ones you live most decline in a horrific way.

Ten years.
Twenty years.
Twenty-five years.

How much of your life do you want to lose?

It's pants really, isn't it.

I can’t help feeling that if the OP were male the replies would be very different. Grow up, take your turn etc.

The day after I had a heart attack, my mother IN LAW said "but who is going to look after me now".

She now has carers 4x a day. Arranged by DH, her son. Honestly... honest to goodness, that heart attack was the best thing to happen to me. I was being roped in, but my body said no.

Would speak to them, see what is needed, but be firm on what you are willing to do.

You say that, but my sister, after 40 years, has dropped our mother off at mine, 90ish miles away and changed the locks

My friend will most likely be in this situation as she is late thirties and still at home. She’s single, doesn’t earn much and has her own health issues. Her siblings both have rich partners and live with them.
Choosing to stay at home shouldn’t mean you automatically become the live in cared while your siblings ride off into the sunset. You need to either help or get a carer in. It is absolutely right that it should not be all on your sister.

There's plenty of other things you could do from a distance, depending on your fathers needs

Be the one to source and arrange respite care/extra help
Order their online shopping
Arrange dads hospital appointments
Liaise with social care
Arrange a cleaner

It's not all direct hands on stuff

If your sister has reached the point of asking for this level of help, she's probably already burnt out. It's wrong to leave the entire load to your sister, but I don't mean that you should become a carer. I mean you, your sister and your parents should all sit down together and have a very honest conversation about the type of care your parents need now and what is likely to be needed in the future (considering both best and worst case scenarios). It is absolutely fine to say you cannot become a carer, but it's not fine to leave it to your sister to sort something else out by herself. It's not going to be an easy conversation, and I imagine it will be many conversations over a long period of time, but if the reality is they need some form of care, you should all work together to identify a solution.

People saying organise a carer......my sister currently terminally Ill ....needs help with everything carer can arrive between 7am and 11am to get up give breakfast and drink then meds leaving 10 minutes to wash, empty commode do teeth, dress. ......that isn't care ......they then come back between 3pm and 8pm to give evening meal meds and put to bed.
Are you all happy to have your loved ones treated like this? Would you happily live like this for your last few months or years?

Have seen this thread. People are being brutal and the total opposite to this one. Classic mumsnet

Being a carer is incredibly hard, even if you love that person. Having MIL for 6 months then FIL too for a couple of months nearly broke me.

I'd go up to see your sister and look at care homes together. Be warned, some are awful but others are really nice. We know that PIL are being cared for around the clock and can visit whenever we wish.

I'll be honest, MIL is not happy despite it being a very luxury home with lovely staff (her words). But what she wants is to 'get better' and go back to living in Spain. Unfortunately she is never going to get better so this is the only option. You may get some resistance from your dad and in the end may have to be blunt, but it may be the only way to keep him safe without taking up all of your sister's life.

I don't think either your sister or your father should force you into a caring role. They have a choice - either continue as they are, or pay for care, either with your dad's savings or by selling the house. This may well mean you and your sister forfeiting any inheritance, but it may well be a smaller price to pay for both of you.

Funnily enough there is another thread active at the moment where a man's sister dropped their elderly mother at his house saying it was "his turn". The responses to that thread are like day and night compared to this one.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4946682-sister-dropped-off-mother-to-mine-saying-my-turn

For what it's worth you are under no obligation to help look after your father OP, and I also think you are selfish if you choose not to help at all. Not so much for the sake of your father, but to help your sister out. Why should she have to take on the all of the burden while you do nothing? If there is an inheritance I assume you would want to be included in the will? I also understand that it may not be possible for you to go and stay for several days at a time, but you could at least offer to give your sister some respite, maybe once a week, or one weekend a month? Then if things get too difficult you could work with your sister and be more involved in arranging alternative care for your father if things are becoming unmanagable. I understand you really don't want to do it, and you are worried it will cause resentment, but do you really think your sister wants to do it either? If I were your sister I would be filled with resentment at being left alone to carry the burden myself. I am sure she would really appreciate your help in whatever way you can manage.

My sister is my mothers main carer but they don’t live together as she is a single mum with a full time job (and they don’t get on).

I live over 500 miles away but come and help every month. I stay a week or two weeks as I know my sister needs respite and my mum needs company.

You don’t have to be a carer. My sister doesn’t want to be. I don’t want to be. I would rather not spend money on travel and I would rather stay at home with my DH as my mum is not a very nice person at times. But I do it because they are family and I love them. I don’t want my sister to be burnt out. Looking after someone is full on.

Lots of different views on here OP.

perhaps you need a good honest chat with your sister about how she feels about it all, from current perspective and looking towards the future. She maybe feeling extremely trapped and concerned for her future life.

a friends mother is in similar situation with the older sibling living with her, the older sibling goes away for a few days and our friend goes to stay using her sister room to sleep in. Could you do this, or assist paying for some respite care for your relative to go into to give sibling a break.

I agree that caring can be very difficult. I am currently doing it for elderly parents around work. For me these are family responsibilities so you need to make sure that there is cover. This does not necessarily mean you doing the work, but it does mean you owning that there is support and cover in place. In short you need to take some of the mental load here and plan and agree how your mum and dad get support.

It’s all very nice to talk in theory about compassion, karma, and the like.

However what I tend to see in reality is women - and yes it is predominately women - who feel pressured into caring for elderly relatives. And making massive sacrifices in terms of their careers, mental health and happiness.

Do you want to do some help? Or no help? I'd dictate what you are willing to do wether that's a day or a overnight or adhoc. Then suggest you look at care packages together for extra support. It's wrong to leave it all to your sister but the additional help doesn't have to be you. You should be involved in the decisions tho.

I can see the same situation happening in my own life in the future. With me being your sister.

Yes, you are allowed to say no. But also, your sister has the right to ask you for support. She's clearly not coping/doesn't want to cope any more, so I'd say you owe HER some support, if not your parents.

Could you take on the mental load of finding carers to come into the home? Can you take on the role of liaising with doctors/hospital appointments etc? Could you do the weekly online food shop?

If you're unwilling to do the physical/emotional side of care giving, what can you do from a distance that would help reduce your sisters load?

Say no. ‘Just’ say no, although I appreciate that may be something you find difficult.

Not everyone is made to be a carer. Perhaps your sister isn’t either, but ultimately she has made the choice to be one. That she has chosen for herself doesn’t entitle her to choose for you also.