Being roped into caregiving

[Newbie690]

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

I would help her find a carer or arrange an assesment by adult SS for a care package or similar but I would also make sure she was aware you will not be providing care except what you feel comfortable with and no to staying over.

I am a FT carer for my youngest and will be until he or myself dies, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, especially someone who knows they do not want to do it.

I admire family members who so willingly sacrifice so much to care for their older family members. I have seen my it in my own family, a family member with three young children, spending day after day at the elderly relatives house whilst the young children are missing weekends and evenings with their parents. She's happy to do it, however.
I have made it very clear to my children that I would never expect them to become my carers to that extent. I chose to have them, therefore I took the obligation to look after them as children. They owe me no such thing in return. Obviously, I would like to think they would choose to visit me, nothing that grows resentment though.
Your sister has chosen to provide care, it doesn't mean that you have to too. It does seem likely that she will, at some point, need some respite though. I think it would be fair if you to offer to help arrange/cover the costs of that.

Your sister is telling you she cant do it all alone anymore.

I agree with @Saz12. Regardless of the financial benefits to your sister living with your parents, she’s now finding the strain of caring for your Dad too much.

You certainly don’t need to go down there and personally care for him, but I think you need to discuss organizing some respite care. Even if it’s just every couple of months so she can go away for a few days.

Be supportive towards her, caring can be emotionally exhausting and she needs a break.

I don’t think it’s fair to leave it all to your sister. She may have chosen to stay at home, but that was probably long before your parents needed support. It’s very unlikely she’d be able to move out now even if she wanted to, due to the situation. I think staying a couple of nights every two weeks isn’t a massive ask, considering she’s supporting them the rest of the time. Also people commenting it’s for social care to provide assistance/carers it’s not always that easy. There’s a massive shortage in carers, care isn’t always guaranteed(sickness, absences) and then there’s the standard of care as well. I say this as someone who works in the industry. But hope you manage to arrange some in-house carers to elevate some of the stress off your sister.

It depends what your commitments at home are. If you don’t have any commitments that mean you can’t go, I don’t know why you wouldn’t at least try and help a little.

As a minimum you need to sit down with your sister and make a plan. She’s asked for help, you need to at least listen.

How often do you visit?
1 hour isn't that far, why do you need to sleep over?

@Soontobe60 , NO!
I cared for my mum and then for my dad in my own home over a six year period because I loved them and because that’s what I believe family does. My brother was incredibly selfish and my dad felt let down by him. My share of my father’s estate was not a penny more than he’d agreed with my mother many years previously. Dad offered me more and I declined. I cared for them, it was my privilege to do so. There are many very selfish people, I hope I’m not one of them.

You should be caring for him instead of leaving it to your sister.

To me it would depend on your father’s ill was. If he is terminally ill then I say suck it up and help your family. If he could live for another 20 years then maybe you and your sister need to look at longer term care options. Good luck

Have you explained this to them? It sounds like it is time for you all to get together and have 'the talk'.

I care for my Pa. It is my choice. We (me, sister and Pa) have had 'the talk'. My sister will come and stay with us for a week, a couple of times each year, and she takes over day to day stuff. I can go for days out and have peace of mind. My sister says she couldn't do what I do and that's OK.

When things deteriorate, we will have care staff come and help. If I cannot cope or the situation becomes dangerous, we move to a care home provision. We have Powers of Attorney in place.

There are important and difficult conversations to have and big decisions that need to be taken. If you don't wish to have any part in them, it's fine, but it's best to be clear so that they are not stalled waiting for you. There may be consequences and you need to be able to live with that. Communication is key here.

Have your parents been assessed by social services recently? If not, that would be a first step. Also getting your sister some respite care. What she agreed to months/years ago may be a very different scenario now living with aging and increasingly unwell parents! The strain of being a full time carer is massive!

I've been in your sister's shoes, and a break - even a small one, eg sitting with your Dad for a few hours, means a lot. It's a lonely feeling, when you don't have much support.

If the sister is part-time carer, what happens the rest of the time?

Oh, how I see this from both sides. My DM just died this month after 16 years of dementia. My father has been diagnosed since 2019 and ended up in a care home. I am one of 4 children. Two of us had not seen either parent since 2017 when I called them to get over and at least say goodbye before DM died.

Outsiders judge, but I am an insider and I know the understandable reasons my two brothers didn't help. The reasons are both so messy and so specific I will not bother to spell them out. I will only say what I think you need to consider:

• don't feel guilted into doing more than you can
• whatever you do or say, do NOT ever say to your sister that "it's your choice to look after them" -- while to some extent this is true, it is rarely that simple, and it is NEVER going to help either of you to say it
• do remember it's not just your parents but your sister who need help now -- will you do something for your sister if not for them?
• and for your own sake, try to do enough that you won't be consumed with guilt later
• help doesn't have to be physical caring, it can also be dealing with figuring out benefits and tax deductions available and other horrendous decisions such as when to force outside help, when to put in a care home etc; also money
• most important for your sister, it can also be showing vocal and frequent appreciation for what she's doing -- not just to her but to everyone around you both
• it can also help to show love by just being there to kiss your parents (and sister)
• no matter what, if you're not going to be there, you must resolve never to question your sister's decisions: if she sells the house, don't you dare challenge the price she gets or what contents she saves; if she hires carers, don't criticise them unless you've already found a replacement plus their cost

As a practical, immediate matter, I suggest you go soon and stay for at least 3-4 days just this once, and see what's going on, preferably with your sister there. Only then can you decide for yourself what needs to be done and who might be able to do what you can't do. Only then can you decide what you can and can't face doing, and how it might or might not line up with what your sister's doing. Only then will your appreciation for your sister's efforts ring true.

And bear in mind, I say that without telling you to feel guilty: I don't think either of my brothers should feel guilty, because I do understand their issues, and I also feel very strongly, precisely because I did it myself, that I don't want my own DC to have to do this for me.

That was too long, sorry 🙄on some levels part of the reason I think you do need to go take a look now in person is that, at the very least, your sister may need YOU to be the bad guy -- the one who insists on a care home or outside carers and then runs away and gets blamed forever. Man up, woman: if she's there all the time that could well be too hard for her. If you know you're not going to be there to take the heat, you be the bad guy. That might be what your DS is trying to ask you to do, without even realising it herself.

YABU.

You're worried you helping will cause resentment? I'd say there's plenty of resentment already, if your sister is caring single-handedly without your support.

If I was you I'd find a way to contribute and ease her burden. If she burns out it's bad for everyone, including you.

Hire outside help if you possibly can. It appears your sister has done all she can.

Yanbu that going to stay regularly when there's no bedroom for you isn't feasible but your sister clearly needs more support and a regular break. You don't have to deal with that by destroying your life but you can't do nothing. Can you contribute financially towards paid carers coming in?

I was a caregiver to a parent with no family help.

I didn't want to do it but lived closest.

It almost broke me.

You don't HAVE to do it, but please consider helping out now and again. Your sister could be really struggling!

I don't think anyone wants to be a caregiver, OP.

Just about everyone would rather be living in their own flat, doing what they please as opposed to providing elder care. You're not unique in that regard.

They provide care because it's the right thing to do.

You don't have to do several days every fortnight, but it's worth noting that even this is significantly less than your sister does.

Morally, if your parents were good parents, I think you're obligated to pitch in. Life isn't a bed of roses, sometimes we just need to step up and meet the moment.

And I hope you're not back on Mumsnet in a few years complaining that your sister was favoured in the Will.

Adult children are under no obligation to provide care for their parents. I strongly dislike attitudes like this that assume that everyone has the time, resources and money to just drop everything in their own lives to take care of someone and that if they don't they're a selfish arsehole who doesn't love their parents.

I was a carer for my mum for ten years and it was absolute hell. I lost sense of my own identity completely and my life revolved around her. I never asked to be born and yet it was expected that my sister and I would take care of her.

I've been in your situation OP and my advice would be to organise for a carer to visit to give your sister a break. You don't have to be there 24/7 but a day/weekend every now and again is probably a good compromise when the carer isn't there.

You have my sympathy OP, situations like this aren't as cut and dry as people think they are.

I would be absolutely raging if I were doing the bulk of the care for my parents and my siblings when asked said that they choose not to help or all the variations of that posters have suggested. In general yes, unless your parents were particularly terrible or abusive then children do have a natural obligation to help within their capacity. And when I say capacity, I don’t mean that because it’s boring or not fun enough or you’d rather sit home and watch tv that it’s outside your capacity. You aren’t a teenager frustrated at being asked to do a load of washing that’s mostly yours.
I have so much sympathy for the sandwich generation women who are working with young kids and trying to fit in caring, just the working and kids bit is exhausting enough for me. But I don’t have sympathy for ‘ oh it wouldn’t suit my lifestyle to even spend a weekend a month at my parents helping’ when there is no mention of any actual commitment that would be impacted. Or the even more pathetic ‘I’d have to sleep on the sofa for a night?’ It sounds like in your head that a night on the sofa settles it, thats way too big an ask and they can die alone.

This!!!!

Your sister has chosen to be a martyr. She cannot force martyrdom on you.