Being roped into caregiving

[Newbie690]

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

You're getting all muddled up here.
Refusing to be involved in ANY way (which is what your first few sentences relate to) and getting paid help (your last few sentences) are two different things.
Children should help as much as they can. However, they don't HAVE to. Getting in professionals isn't 'abandoning them to the state' care can be a hard, 24/7 job.

Also... despite your emotional guilt-tripping you've completely ignored the valid practical questions raised by @Startingagainandagain . How is the OP going to work to pay her bills, and save for HER old age if she's running around doing all this care? I can guarantee that grandkids will be far more impacted by a reduced income and parental involvement due to their parents being a carer - IF the care needs are severe enough!

As an aside... the sister has lived at home rent free for years... the care is really the 'payment' for having benefitted and is worth several thousands of pounds. The OP hasn't had the same so why should she share the care.

Btw my parents and IL's have made provisions for their old age they expect no care - rightly so. In 2023 people move all over the globe, us siblings all live in different countries. Even if we WANTED to provide care ourselves it would be impossible.

@xmasevefairy I'll be honest I still think it's selfish. Also, the whole concept of some older people having made provision for care when they need it is flawed, what does it even refer to? It still requires someone to enforce good standards and whilst everyone's pleasing themselves older people basically have to accept substandard care. It's almost a blind spot I feel like there's an entire generation who don't consider that they will ever be in their parents position. The way society is set up is to stick relatives in care homes and tell ourselves it's not our responsibility all while hoping and praying we don't end up in some of the truly horrific care homes around the U.K.

And there ladies you have the very definition of clueless....

Not if you actually have a backbone and don't have doormat tattooed to your forehead.

OK, so what's your alternative? Women quitting their jobs and doing it all for free, like they used to? At the expense of their own pension and prospects? Genuinely interested in a workable solution.

'Making provision' means thinking ahead to your old age. You cannot control what your children do, if they choose to move abroad or to the opposite ends of the country you can't expect them to uproot their entire lives and move back just for you. This is different from expecting some involvement care calls, visits, etc. Furthermore if parents feel their kids' presence is important they are welcome to align their lives similarly e.g. buying a house nearby and discussing potential scenarios.

As an example GFIL (granddad in law) is close to a 100, decided to move to a rural backwater 4 hour drive away far from hospitals etc. In good health now but should he get ill how on Earth is the responsibility of PILs to take care of him. Especially as they're younger than he is but not in good health themselves. He made his choices refused to entertain any discussion they made theirs. Also... family values go BOTH ways. If parents refuse to help with grandkids etc they can't then complain that they're not taken care of.

Your thinking is very black and white someone who puts their parents into a care home is automatically 'abandoning them', 'pleasing themselves' and not 'enforcing standards'. There is no situation, in your mind, where people try their utmost best, including visiting when required, paying for the care home, etc. According to you if they don't do the care themselves they have failed and are completely selfish.