Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

[DjBloke]

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

Good on your sister, I say!

I agree.

Time to take your turn in helping to look after your Mum.

i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way

I'm afraid women are finally waking up to the fact that caring for elderly relatives isn't "women's work." Good for her.

Your sister has asked for help and you’ve ignored her because she’s a woman.

Your sister is obviously desperate and at the end of her tether.

Stop thinking this is someone else’s problem, grow up and support your family.

Good for your sister!!

Just because you're the son it doesn't mean you can abrogate your responsibilities. Your sister seems to feel that's what you've done and is calling quits on her input.

However, dumping your mother on you and your poor unsuspecting wife with no advance warning isn't fair either. You and your sister need to discuss jointly with your mother what her care arrangements are going to be in the future.

Yabu. It is your turn.

Is this a reverse?

You’ve left your sister to do 100% of the caregiving for the whole of your life and ignored her requests for help over the years, and now you’re aggrieved that she’s said “your turn”?

Good for her.

Female bond! 🤣

Fair play to your sister, she’s sounds fucking excellent.

As far as how you should handle this, Grow the fuck up firstly. You’ve ignored her because she’s a woman and you’ve decided this is woman’s work so she’s resorted to this. Your sister is not the one in the wrong here

Well, you seem to have been an exceptionally crap brother and son leaving your sister to caregive solo under the guise of a "female bond". Give over.

Read your op back and pretend it was someone else saying this to you. what would you say?

I hope this is a reverse, but who knows how shit some men are.

Great opportunity for you to care for your mother and reconnect with your cultural upbringing- for your kids too!
Hopefully they will then expect to look after you at that age too!

Stop using your misogynistic culture as an excuse not to do your bit. No reason why your Dsis should have to shoulder this burden alone because of her sex.

Step up or organise some help/ care for your DM.

surely a reverse?! 😨

Your sis is 100% right - she needs an opportunity to live her own life. Perhaps if you had contributed more readily in the past 10 years+ she wouldn't have been forced into such extreme measures.

she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have

Wtf

This is your mum too. Your sister has been telling you she can't cope you've just ignored it because of your sexism.

Now either step up or turf your mum out on to the streets.

Your turn. You reap what you sow.

There is no reason that you should be obligated to have your mother live with you, but your sister is similarly under no obligation either. As such, speak to the housing team in Leicester and declare your mother homeless. They will have to step in and provide accommodation. Whilst it sounds very cold and you will both (you and sister) have to live with that decision, that is your only other option.

I'm guessing your sister is at breaking point with stress and exhaustion.
Don't try and dump your Mum back on her. Step up and have a conversation around what she and your mum needs and actually help her.
It sounds like family care alone is not going to be enough.

Ignore the responses above OP. Women hate men on Mumsnet so you're going to get very harsh responses.

Nobody is responsible for their elderly parents. Nobody. In a perfect world we would all have the time and space to look after them when they become elderly but life doesn't work like that.

You can send your mum back. Does she have money to pay rent on her own place?

Round of applause for your sister! I hope she now gets to live a happy, fulfilled life doing what she wants rather than just facilitating the lives of you and your mother.

You need to get your mum into a home. If your mum transferred her home to your dsis then they might look into deprivation of assets depending how long your dsis owned the house and if she paid mortgage.

Do not have her in your home because the local authority will happily leave her there. She needs respite care in a nice home preferably near you where you can visit her. I'm surprised your dsis hates her mum this much, sounds like a story not something that happens in real life.

You certainly don't want to live with her but you think it's fine that your sister has to?

If you genuinely cannot care for your Mum and she has significant care needs you will have to contact social care at the council and ask for an assessment for her and say you cannot care for her. They will have to assess her health and finances and work out some sort of plan.