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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being roped into caregiving

180 replies

Newbie690 · 19/11/2023 23:05

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 20/11/2023 04:59

I think you could agree to do a few week ends or days for a start. In recognition of your sister's kindness you should give it a go knowing full well that you expect the arrangement will be non sustainable.
This will give you clarity as to what type of care your parents are needing or expecting. It will help you offer an educated opinion about what is best and it will equip you better to visit in an emergency if you are needed.

Your honest opinion should not be based on ignorance.
You might find it easy to visit for two days per fortnight and it might be fun.

Make suggestions to help your sister ..
Out source washing
Install safety rails in the bathroom
Put Dad in respite from time to time
Invest in an alarm necklace

Support your sister to NOT be the main carer - give her good reasons why she should consider other options.

Noicant · 20/11/2023 05:01

I think outside help would be a good idea but I also actually like my sisters and wouldn’t want them to burn out either so would help out too.

NorthernLights5 · 20/11/2023 05:08

Do whatever you feel comfortable with in terms of care. But please, if they require care within the home seek support from social services now. Obviously with your sister. Care packages are so hard to get because there are so few carers now due to the terrible conditions and awful pay.

Also, when discussing things with your sibling, don't criticise anything she's done as she will have done her absolute best. U til you've been a carer you will never realise that it consumes all of you.

Of course you may not want to even help source carers. If that's the case you need to be honest now so your sister knows she can't rely on anyone else and needs to source help now.

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 05:09

People saying to get outside help, I agree but then in reality it’s totally different, people get help if circumstances are extreme, or they get tiny amounts of hours. Other than that if the money isn’t there there’s very little, it’s basically wait lists until it’s practically too late. If your sister has been great she’s obviously at a stage where it’s starting to weigh her down. If you have other options go for them, if not try and offer her something, it’s really really hard

ChillysWaterBottle · 20/11/2023 05:09

Your poor sister.

NorthernLights5 · 20/11/2023 05:11

Oh also just FYI, you'll want to check what support is available if council funded. In my area it's 4 calls a day maximum with no overnight help. So if either of your parents require assistance to the tpilet for example, there are only 4 opportunities within a 24hr period.

countrygirl99 · 20/11/2023 05:13

jannier · 19/11/2023 23:25

Nobody chooses to be a carer it's being a compassionate human being and part of a family....karma

As someone who has been caring for elderly parents for nearly 9 years with no prospect of an end soon you can stuff your sanctimonious bollocks. It's hideous even at the level I've been doing. It's never out of your head. I've set my boundaries and anything beyond that needs to be bought in.

Gillypie23 · 20/11/2023 05:21

It all depends on your family dynamic.
Are you close, do you get on.

gofullpelt · 20/11/2023 05:53

Your sister needs a break, but other PPs are right, it doesn't need to be you.

She's made her decision to live there, I assume she hasn't been paying them the full going rate to rent a room/share the bills? If not she has benefited from doing so. This has inevitably led to her taking on a caring role.

You need to have a good chat to her about expectations and needs. Offer to help sort out carers so that the burden isn't all on her but making it clear you're not planning to take it on.

PermanentTemporary · 20/11/2023 06:07

I'd say @athingofbeauty has nailed it.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 20/11/2023 06:23

You need to think about what you are willing to do and let your sister know. It’s ok to let her know you won’t take on regular care responsibilities. Between you, you need to sort out help so she gets a break. Maybe you could offer to give her the odd weekend off, in the agreement that you can sleep in her room. Possibly house swap. But be prepared for the consequences, for example if she gets the house not you. If I was giving full time care for years I would expect that I got the house. I was a carer for three days and it was exhausting.

Sugarfree23 · 20/11/2023 06:28

Op I think your sister is crying out for help. And yes you need to help her. How that help is given is debatable. It probably depends on what care is required. But worth getting onto the social work and see what help is available regardless.

If it's dementia then honestly there comes a time when a care home is the only answer. And that's what I'd be pushing for but that's a cost

If its more physical like general care, making sure food is made, help getting dressed, then get carers to come in but I also think you need to provide support too.

Papillon23 · 20/11/2023 06:30

athingofbeauty · 20/11/2023 02:09

Oh, how I see this from both sides. My DM just died this month after 16 years of dementia. My father has been diagnosed since 2019 and ended up in a care home. I am one of 4 children. Two of us had not seen either parent since 2017 when I called them to get over and at least say goodbye before DM died.

Outsiders judge, but I am an insider and I know the understandable reasons my two brothers didn't help. The reasons are both so messy and so specific I will not bother to spell them out. I will only say what I think you need to consider:

  • don't feel guilted into doing more than you can
  • whatever you do or say, do NOT ever say to your sister that "it's your choice to look after them" -- while to some extent this is true, it is rarely that simple, and it is NEVER going to help either of you to say it
  • do remember it's not just your parents but your sister who need help now -- will you do something for your sister if not for them?
  • and for your own sake, try to do enough that you won't be consumed with guilt later
  • help doesn't have to be physical caring, it can also be dealing with figuring out benefits and tax deductions available and other horrendous decisions such as when to force outside help, when to put in a care home etc; also money
  • most important for your sister, it can also be showing vocal and frequent appreciation for what she's doing -- not just to her but to everyone around you both
  • it can also help to show love by just being there to kiss your parents (and sister)
  • no matter what, if you're not going to be there, you must resolve never to question your sister's decisions: if she sells the house, don't you dare challenge the price she gets or what contents she saves; if she hires carers, don't criticise them unless you've already found a replacement plus their cost
As a practical, immediate matter, I suggest you go soon and stay for at least 3-4 days just this once, and see what's going on, preferably with your sister there. Only then can you decide for yourself what needs to be done and who might be able to do what you can't do. Only then can you decide what you can and can't face doing, and how it might or might not line up with what your sister's doing. Only then will your appreciation for your sister's efforts ring true.

And bear in mind, I say that without telling you to feel guilty: I don't think either of my brothers should feel guilty, because I do understand their issues, and I also feel very strongly, precisely because I did it myself, that I don't want my own DC to have to do this for me.

This is a good summary.

I don't think you are obligated to physically go and care for him. I do think you at least need to go and see what's going on, help with the organising and sit down for an honest chat with your sister.

tokesqueen · 20/11/2023 06:50

Your DF wouldn't let you do that surely? Isn't it what we save for all our lives, to buy in help as needed and leave our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives free of the burden.
It's not what I'd expect of my DC.
Can he afford help?
Her anger and frustration is misplaced.
It's all down to choices OP. You are the only making the right ones.

madeinmanc · 20/11/2023 06:53

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 19/11/2023 23:21

She's not leaving anything to her sister as this si not her responsibility. The parent and sister can seek outside help.

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Why is it her sister's responsibility though? It's only the sister's responsibility insomuch as it is the OP's!

jeaux90 · 20/11/2023 06:58

OP I get it. I do all legal and financial stuff as POA and my sister does the other care stuff but we also have carers in 3 times a day so everyone gets to take a break.

There is a solution so go and see her and talk to her about it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/11/2023 07:02

blondieminx · 19/11/2023 23:21

It’s fine for you not to do the actual caregiving.

what isn’t fine is to leave all of it to your sibling.

you’ll need to help arrange and pay for respite care.

If they can, the person who needs the care should pay for it. But it’s quite common for people who need care to refuse to pay for it, even if they can well afford it, since they think it’s the duty of family (nearly always daughters) to do it for free.

Autumnleavesfalling23 · 20/11/2023 07:15

YABU
2 nights every 2 weeks when you live only an hour away is not “taking over your life” as some pps suggest.
every other weekend fgs!
you have no dependants from the sound of things so I can see how this might feel a big commitment, but personally I don’t feel it is.
presumably, your parents paid for your food, housing etc and possibly towards uni costs? Hopefully they have given you their time relatively often?
I feel it is very sad that you don’t feel you can offer this, both to help your dad and to help your sister. You come across as selfish if I’m being honest. Just my opinion

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 20/11/2023 07:19

madeinmanc · 20/11/2023 06:53

Why is it her sister's responsibility though? It's only the sister's responsibility insomuch as it is the OP's!

Show quote history

Her sister is choosing to do it. She could move out and live independently and hand over care to outside agency's.

RedCoffeeCup · 20/11/2023 07:23

It's understandable that your sister would like some help, but she's made her choices and you get to make yours. My DH has elderly parents in poor health and gets absolutely no help from his brother. It would be nice if you helped out but not to the extent your sister is suggesting.

bluebird3 · 20/11/2023 07:26

You need to think of it in terms that your sister is providing you with a service. A free, live in care service. To replace her is going to cost you money or time. If she up and left for Australia tomorrow, who would be left to sort everything out? You would. You may not step in as the physical carer but you would be the one organising external carers, doing visits, organising grocery delivery, taking to doctors appointments etc. And if nothing else you get to live with the peace of mind your parents are being looked after. How would you feel if your sister was no longer in the picture and you had no idea if they were ok, getting their shopping and laundry done, getting to the doctor ok? Would you really just say, 'it's not the lifestyle I want.' 🤷🏼‍♀️. You need to help her now in some way before she gets fed up and forces your hand.

Aishah231 · 20/11/2023 07:39

Does your sister pay rent? If she's lived there for years rent free or for cheap rent then that changes things. Either way though you don't owe your parents care. You could meet with your sister and discuss care options e.g buying in care, care home etc

Dymaxion · 20/11/2023 07:45

My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell.

Who provides the care when she doesn't, if she is providing part time care ?

What sort of care is she providing ? Is it actual hands on personal care or more domestic duties and company ?

What is the nature of your Fathers illness ? Are there specific charities that might be able to help, especially with advice and how to complete forms etc

SunshineAutumnday · 20/11/2023 07:48

Have a long think about what you want to achieve and what you are willing to help with and be honest.

Then have a discussion with your sister, about how she is getting on, her expectations etc and what help your parents need and want.

Then you can plan the next steps, be it carers to give your sister respite etc and how these will be paid.

Good luck

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/11/2023 07:55

Sounds to me like there are two issues, you not having children and your sister living there aren't what needs to be focused on.

Your sister is doing more than she wants to do. You don't want to take on physical care giving and don't want to stay overnight. Both are perfectly reasonable, no one should be pressured into being a care giver, ever.

So, can you take over some practical tasks like ordering prescriptions, ordering food, finding a cleaner? Can you pay for any of this?

I also think it's time external care was introduced. Your father may resist this, your sister may not be that keen either. However, making the decision now means they have choice, doing this when there is a crisis means you end up with who, or what, is available.