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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being roped into caregiving

180 replies

Newbie690 · 19/11/2023 23:05

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

OP posts:
HamBone · 21/11/2023 19:03

notlucreziaborgia · 21/11/2023 18:47

That’s the point - she has every right to say no. What her sister chooses to do is her sister’s responsibility. Not OP’s.

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@notlucreziaborgia Factually, you’re correct, but most people offer support to their relatives and friends when they’re struggling (unless there’s a major back story).

DH is one of four siblings and I’d be angry if they left all the parental care to just one sibling, it would be unkind. They all have good relationships with each other and their parents so why on earth wouldn’t they want to help/support them in their old age?

I’m an only child so I have to support my Dad on my own. We do have adult social care involved as well. My children (18 and 15) are also happy to help Grandpa as best they can, because they’re kind people.

jannier · 21/11/2023 20:03

IClaudine · 21/11/2023 16:27

I don't wish that on anyone, but statistically speaking, some posters are going to end up as carers for their spouse/partner or even a child at some point. I hope they are all willing to go it completely alone.

Edited
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I was thinking more that they would find themselves alone relying on 2 ten minute care visits a day waiting to be got out of bed between 7 and 11am and returned tea time ....or 12 on Christmas day and returned at 3pm because no staff available. Because unless your really wealthy that is the standard care most can afford.

IClaudine · 21/11/2023 20:09

jannier · 21/11/2023 20:03

I was thinking more that they would find themselves alone relying on 2 ten minute care visits a day waiting to be got out of bed between 7 and 11am and returned tea time ....or 12 on Christmas day and returned at 3pm because no staff available. Because unless your really wealthy that is the standard care most can afford.

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I am carer for my DH. The thought that this is how things might end for him if I die first keeps me awake at night sometimes. It is horrific.

zingally · 24/11/2023 16:13

Nonoatchristmas · 21/11/2023 10:17

Of course it’s ‘none of my business’ but you decided to share your misplaced irritation with your sister in the first post I quoted on a public forum, and now you’re shocked an ‘INTERNET STRANGER’ dared asked further? If your sister didn’t want to take on caring duties, that is absolutely up to her. As has been said many times, it’s relentless, thankless and causes the carer an untold amount of health issues (mental and physical). Caring for ill or aging parents is a choice, you choose to do it, your sister does not.

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You sound delightful.

Nonoatchristmas · 24/11/2023 16:14

zingally · 24/11/2023 16:13

You sound delightful.

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Thanks, you too.

rookiemere · 24/11/2023 17:21

I'm coming to this thread late, but honestly when I read threads like these it makes me grateful I am an only DC.

My DPs live an hour away and I visit as often as I feel I can which is every 2-3 weeks. Obviously if there was an issue or emergency I'd go more frequently.

They aren't able to keep on top of the housekeeping any more so I gently suggested to DM they might want to organise a cleaner ( they can afford it) and they are in the process of organising that.

Of course I could try and clean it myself but I work and can scarcely keep my own house clean.

Same will need to happen if they need more hands on care. Happy to organise it, but I need to work or I don't earn money or make pension contributions.

Maybe offer a week's respite for your Dsis so she can go on holiday and whilst you're there try to get some organised care in place.

HamBone · 24/11/2023 17:29

I'm coming to this thread late, but honestly when I read threads like these it makes me grateful I am an only DC.

@rookiemere Do you find it easier being an only? I’m also an only and find it hard as I have no one to share the responsibility with (although adult social care are involved and some extended family). I’d love to clone myself though. 😂

rookiemere · 24/11/2023 17:35

@HamBone not easier in that I have to do it all, but easier as in I'm not letting anyone down or not meeting someone else's expectations of what I should be doing.

I noticed when my Dcousins were over earlier in the year they had expectations- oh the house is not very clean, oh your DM doesn't seem very well has she been checked for x,y and z - and it was annoying.

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/11/2023 17:41

HamBone · 24/11/2023 17:29

I'm coming to this thread late, but honestly when I read threads like these it makes me grateful I am an only DC.

@rookiemere Do you find it easier being an only? I’m also an only and find it hard as I have no one to share the responsibility with (although adult social care are involved and some extended family). I’d love to clone myself though. 😂

What I've read on the Elderly Parents board about the difficulties with unfair sharing of responsibilities with siblings and different views between siblings as to what care is appropriate has made me very glad to be an only.

Strictlymad · 24/11/2023 17:48

Presumably your parents didn’t just care for you sister as a child- they cared for you too, provided materially, emotionally etc when you were a child? In which case you are being very unreasonable. You should a) care for your parents just like they did for you, b) not lump it all on your sister as yes that’s selfish c) at the very least pay for care for your portion of you aren’t willing to do it yourself.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 24/11/2023 18:05

Sorry, I just dont think it is good enough to say you dont want to do it. The solution of sleeping on the couch does not sound like a good solution and I dont blame you for not wanting to do it. But at the same time, you need to find a way to offer some help, it is not fair to leave it all to your sister.

Goldbar · 24/11/2023 18:30

The point isn't that the OP shouldn't help but that the form of help being demanded of her (weekly/fortnightly live-in care for a few days at a time an hour for her home and without proper accommodation) is entirely impractical and unreasonable.

She and her sister need to have a conversation about how the load can sensibly be shared.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 24/11/2023 18:49

*The point isn't that the OP shouldn't help but that the form of help being demanded of her (weekly/fortnightly live-in care for a few days at a time an hour for her home and without proper accommodation) is entirely impractical and unreasonable.

She and her sister need to have a conversation about how the load can sensibly be shared.*

Is it though? I agree that the demands being made are not reasonable. But the tone of the OP post - 'roped in', sister has made her choice, etc etc - makes it sound like she does not want to do any care or see herself as having an responsibility in this situation. For all those saying that the sister had a choice, in my experience the 'choice' to take on care is not a choice at all, but a result of a horrible game of chicken where some siblings are prepared to do fuck all.

Goldbar · 24/11/2023 19:38

@Atethehalloweenchocs . The way I see it, the sister's situation is the result of her deciding to keep living with the parents, rather than moving out and sorting (and paying for) her own accommodation. It probably suited both the sister and the parents originally, but now it doesn't since their care needs have become more onerous and she has fallen into the habit of being responsible for them, simply because she is on hand. But that is not the OP's fault.

I would not like to be "roped" into sleeping on a sofa in my parents' house to care for them on a regular basis either, so I can understand why the OP is using this language.

In reality, there needs to be a conversation about the parents' care needs and whether they can be met at home and, if so, what professional/external help is needed.

Mirrormeback · 24/11/2023 19:39

Not sure why anyone thinks you should be your parents caregiver if you don't want to

I wouldn't do it

Your sister chooses to and that's up to her

Silvers11 · 24/11/2023 19:39

@Newbie690 When you say your sister is a Part time carer for your Dad. What do mean by that? Does she work? What age is your Mum? And what about your Dad's age? You say he's 'unwell'. Is this going to be a permanent situation or possible temporary - but likely quite a while?

It would help to know?

Mirrormeback · 24/11/2023 19:40

Goldbar · 24/11/2023 18:30

The point isn't that the OP shouldn't help but that the form of help being demanded of her (weekly/fortnightly live-in care for a few days at a time an hour for her home and without proper accommodation) is entirely impractical and unreasonable.

She and her sister need to have a conversation about how the load can sensibly be shared.

Yes this

cansu · 24/11/2023 19:42

I think it is OK to say no. However you should also be supporting your sister to get away. Consider also that if she does move out then you will have more responsibility than you currently do.

IceAndLemonPlease · 02/12/2023 09:52

The thing is though how can her sister feel she can move out when her parent is so unwell?
My friend still at home and she’s nearly 40 but I also know another woman who is 57 and never moved out. She has an unbearable amount of caregiving duties as both her parents are in their eighties and struggling. If she moved out they would have no support and she would be judged big time. It’s not that easy for her to just “move out “.

tokesqueen · 02/12/2023 16:30

IceAndLemonPlease · 02/12/2023 09:52

The thing is though how can her sister feel she can move out when her parent is so unwell?
My friend still at home and she’s nearly 40 but I also know another woman who is 57 and never moved out. She has an unbearable amount of caregiving duties as both her parents are in their eighties and struggling. If she moved out they would have no support and she would be judged big time. It’s not that easy for her to just “move out “.

Who cares? It's the parents I'd be judging in her situation. Dreadful.
Give social services one months notice and go.

mh23 · 24/12/2023 13:36

I've really grown to hate my sister, and can't even look at her in the face any more, she actually disgusts me. I moved back from Greece to N. Ireland to care for our Mum whose health has rapidly deteriorated. I only get the opportunity to leave the house three times a week when I pay a sitter so that I can go to the gym. My sister calls once a month, and visits once every two or three months (something I was planning on doing while living in Greece – she only lives in Manchester). I will never forgive her, but know that I've done the right thing, and will never have any regrets as ultimately it was such a privilege to care for our mum.

arewedoneyet · 24/12/2023 13:38

@tokesqueen i can't believe anyone would just abandon their parents if they loved them, that's just heartless

Ladysodor · 24/12/2023 13:39

You’re being selfish.

Startingagainandagain · 25/12/2023 20:09

''@Ladysodor You’re being selfish.''

And exactly what is wrong with putting your needs first?

It is so tedious that women are always told that they must think about and care for everyone else but not for themselves.

The sister chose to move in with her parents and to care for them.

The OP knows that she is not cut out to be a carer, it is not a responsibility she wants to take on and she does not want to completely disrupt her life. There is nothing wrong with that.

You only have to read all the stories from careers who are totally exhausted, have no life and frankly regret taking on the main caring duties to understand that this is not something to be taken on lightly.

Not to mention the financial implications: who exactly is going to pay the OP's mortgage/rent and pension if she were to take on caring duties? as a single person she would potentially jeopardise her own future by doing that. There is no one else to support her and pay the bills...

Maybe what needs to happen is that the sister needs to accept that she can no longer cope and that alternative support/arrangements need to be in place for her parents.

That support is not going to be her sister but it could be paid carers or considering whether it is time for her parent to accept he can no longer live independently and look at shelter housing or care homes.

And looking after a sick, elderly person is nothing like caring for a child you chose to have. So it is also ludicrous to compare the two.

arewedoneyet · 25/12/2023 20:15

Startingagainandagain · 25/12/2023 20:09

''@Ladysodor You’re being selfish.''

And exactly what is wrong with putting your needs first?

It is so tedious that women are always told that they must think about and care for everyone else but not for themselves.

The sister chose to move in with her parents and to care for them.

The OP knows that she is not cut out to be a carer, it is not a responsibility she wants to take on and she does not want to completely disrupt her life. There is nothing wrong with that.

You only have to read all the stories from careers who are totally exhausted, have no life and frankly regret taking on the main caring duties to understand that this is not something to be taken on lightly.

Not to mention the financial implications: who exactly is going to pay the OP's mortgage/rent and pension if she were to take on caring duties? as a single person she would potentially jeopardise her own future by doing that. There is no one else to support her and pay the bills...

Maybe what needs to happen is that the sister needs to accept that she can no longer cope and that alternative support/arrangements need to be in place for her parents.

That support is not going to be her sister but it could be paid carers or considering whether it is time for her parent to accept he can no longer live independently and look at shelter housing or care homes.

And looking after a sick, elderly person is nothing like caring for a child you chose to have. So it is also ludicrous to compare the two.

I just feel so sorry for parents with children who think like that. Who ensures the care that's bought in is actually good enough? Or that the care home meets their needs? That they're happy and content and well looked after. And if this is what their grandchildren see, that their parents stick their grandparents in a care home / with carers it's not exactly setting a good example to abandon relatives to the state the minute they need more care.