Being roped into caregiving

[Newbie690]

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

Can I ask why you can see you being the sister in future? Have you actively planned to be your parents carer? With all due respect, if you’re not making clear that caring is something that you can or want to do (or even if it is!), you can’t already be annoyed that others aren’t choosing the same future.

I work in a elderly care home and because I'm in that profession it's assumed that I will step up more when our parents need something.
One of my siblings is excellent, the other absolutely useless and always moans to my mum when she has to look after dad just by sitting there.
Thing is everyone expects more from me and trots out that I'm a carer but I'm knackered from my job and then hoisting cleaning dad when visit. Emotionally draining.
My parents are lovely but it is very draining and miserable as my mum constantly moans about how bad life is both on phone and when I visit so I feel like I want to explode.
When my parents were my age their parents were in better health but my parents aren't so the time when I should be enjoying life with partner as all four kids left now is spent listening to moaning and helping or feeling guilty if I don't.
My parents have professional carers too but the carers also sometimes assume more from me and make comments but what they forget is it is their job.
Life feels hard and by the time I get time for myself I will be old.

So they can reciprocate with not giving me care?
They have never spoken to me about what they may expect in older age, I’ve never spoken to them about what I’m willing to do.

The other thing is, I don’t have to do it if I don’t want. There is no need to give a further reason. I have aunts and uncles who are single and childless- should o provide care for them too. I have done 5 years for a loved one. How much more of my life should I be wolling to give? Both parents? Aunt and Uncle? My single brother?

We are living longer on the whole. We are all responsible for ensuring we have a plan for when that happens.

Not really sure why my entire backstory is any of your business.

All you, an internet stranger, need to know is that I have had a prior experience where I have unexpectedly taken on a caring role for a parent experiencing a very sudden and dramatic health crisis (mental health related). They went on to pass away 6 months later. It was very traumatic and I am still dealing with my own reactions to it some 5/6 years later.

At the time it happened, my older sister, who lives 45 minutes nearer to said parent than I do, actively refused to get involved or to help in ANY WAY. Flat out said "I can't and won't do it." She's unmarried, but engaged, no kids. Our previously very healthy and independent parents needed her support, and she actively refused.

THAT'S WHY, INTERNET STRANGER, that I know that any future care of our remaining parent will full squarely on me. I have the history to back it up.

Of course it’s ‘none of my business’ but you decided to share your misplaced irritation with your sister in the first post I quoted on a public forum, and now you’re shocked an ‘INTERNET STRANGER’ dared asked further? If your sister didn’t want to take on caring duties, that is absolutely up to her. As has been said many times, it’s relentless, thankless and causes the carer an untold amount of health issues (mental and physical). Caring for ill or aging parents is a choice, you choose to do it, your sister does not.

No one should be a carer if they don't feel able, but you can't leave it all to your sister. Why should she be forced to continue if she is at the end of her tether? She will burnout. You need to find a way to help her, even if that means helping find a care home for your dad if he is willing to go into one. Or to find carers to take some of the burden off. Could you buy a sofa bed that would make it easier and more comfortable for you to stay over at times? Then maybe you could stay over to do housework or batch cook for the freezer to help out.

How old is your sister? Does she have any health needs of her own? Who owns the house?

She can leave it all to her sister. The sister isn’t forced to do anything - she’s choosing to. That she has chosen this for herself doesn’t mean she can also choose it for OP.

Your sister put herself in the position, she decided to stay living at home to look after them when she could have also moved out and had her own life.

She made her choice and can’t demand you share the load because it’s turned out to be much harder than she thought.

She needs to arrange for carers if she can’t cope, it’s not reasonable to expect you to sleep on the sofa half the week and dedicate your life to being a carer.

elderly or unwell family members are challenging to deal with. but if we all have the attitude of no one needs to help anyone else, then society will soon fall to pieces (and the more individualistic we become, the more fragmented the world becomes).

of course we have duty of care to our families, our neighbours, our communities and to the world. humans depend on each other (even those that think that don't)

unless there is some history of toxicity/abuse etc. it is only right for you to help your parents in some way - doesn't have to be you doing it. you could pay for a carer so your sister gets a break?

I’d rather my parents spent their money on professional care and inherit nothing. And if they chose not to but relied on a sibling to care for them then they’d be welcome to cut me out of the will. I’d sooner not lose years of my own life to caring for elderly parents. It’s bloody hard work - physically, mentally, emotionally. Plus lonely, isolating, and often thankless.

What would you do in the snow stars position walk away? I can't believe how heartless some people are. There must be an awful lot of adults who had abusive childhoods.

Why am I left hoping some peoples careful planning for the future goes pear shaped and they are left bed/house bound with no support. What selfish people we have become

OP, your sister has lived with your parents up until now because it suited her and them. If it doesn't suit her anymore, she needs to move out and then the two of you can have a discussion with your parents about what sort of care/care package they need.

While adult children do help/care for elderly parents in many different ways, it is not a normal or reasonable expectation for an adult child to move in and out on a rolling basis to provide 24/7 live-in care. Your sister doesn't get to demand this of you against your wishes. You and she need to explore other options.

And it doesn't mean that the sister can't change her mind and want to stop being the sole carer.

Of course OP doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't want to, but if the sister burns out and decides to walk away from everything there will be a much bigger problem. Better to sort out some sort of support for the sister now before that happens.

OP doesn't have to do any of the actual physical caring, but surely a little bit of practical support is not too much to ask. It can be done at a distance if needed if OP doesn't want to visit her dad.

I don't wish that on anyone, but statistically speaking, some posters are going to end up as carers for their spouse/partner or even a child at some point. I hope they are all willing to go it completely alone.

Hmm. OP hasn't been back to thee thread since Sunday...

Caring for elderly relatives is a huge task but if you don't help your sister now, will you have any relationship with her later on?

Why? Because you’re not very nice, maybe?

Your family needs help.

No, it shouldn't fall entirely on your sister's shoulders.

But nobody who does not want to do this should feel compelled.

There are other options, professionals who are trained, paid, insured, skilled at doing this. Having their support means the dignity of family life can stay intact without resentment anywhere.

Why would there a bigger problem that OP is required to solve?

The sister gets to make choices for herself, not OP.

Well presumably if the sister chose to walk, which she has every right to do, same as OP has every right to refuse to help her sister out, the dad would still need care. Someone would have to sort that out, either by finding carers privately or via social services or finding a care home.

Having to do that under pressure of time would be very difficult. Who would look after the dad until a care package kicked in? Unless OP completely washed her hands of her dad at that point, she would have a big mess to sort out.

This. OP could help with arranging professional support for the dad before her sister burns out.

Anyway, OP hasn't come back to the thread so it is all somewhat academic.

I've been on the other side of this. The one who's utterly burnt out dealing with my parent's care needs (despite living 3 hours away) whilst my (local) sibling pops in once a month and makes the odd cup of tea.

Honestly, you are being selfish to expect your sister to pick everything up. She's probably absolutely exhausted. If you are not going to help in-person then you need to find other ways to take the burden off her. Pay for a cleaner or a visiting carer, organise food deliveries, help sort out benefit claims, come over every few weeks and mow the lawn.

If your sister burns out or has a mental breakdown then you will be in a MUCH worse position. You owe it to her to help out.

That’s the point - she has every right to say no. What her sister chooses to do is her sister’s responsibility. Not OP’s.