Being roped into caregiving

[Newbie690]

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

I cared for my grandmother and I will never do it again. I couldn't now anyway as disabled, but it is fine to say no. People need to set things up so relatives aren't expected to do this.

If your sister is feeling overwhelmed and you don't want to offer practical help, then can you be the one to arrange some outside support for your father?

If you don't do it then you are morally obliged, IMO, to put your hand in your pocket and help pay for a carer.

Your sister is asking for your help because she’s probably under a lot of stress and needs a bit of respite. My parents cared for my elderly grandfather and they were often close to breaking point because of the burden. My father’s siblings were worse than useless (no help, but judging the level of care provided). My parents even had to pay my aunt to look after her own father for a week so they could go on a short break. So I can imagine how difficult things are for your sister, even if from the outside it seems like she’s doing brilliantly.

If you can’t do as much as she’s asking, at least try to do something. Maybe give her every other weekend off so she can have some respite. Or if you’re totally against providing any care yourself, either pay for a cater to do your bit or commit to giving up your share of any inheritance to pay for help/repay your sister.

Not doing anything is very unreasonable and will create resentment on your sister’s side. You either have to give up some time and make an effort or pay for someone to do it for you. Leaving it all to your sister is very unfair.

There is no way I want my children to care for me in later years. We chose to have children and they don’t owe us anything, We have already had the discussion with them. They have agreed they will help trying to find care for us if we need it but not do it themselves.
Your sister is probably feeling overwhelmed. She has probably ended up in this situation because she was there. You need to have a talk with her about getting help in and be insistent about it. Tell her you won’t be doing the same as her and certainly not staying without your own room. Do your parents have enough money to pay for help? Will they get it for free? Is your sister worried about them losing the house to pay for care and she won’t have anywhere to live? You need to discus all these things with your sister.
You cannot forfeit your life.

No way, don’t do it op. Your sisters choices are hers, and yours are yours. I’d get a carer in. Either way, don’t be pressured into something you don’t want to do.

Nobody can force you to become a carer and your are not 'selfish' for admitting that you can't and won't do it.

I completely understand that your sister is burned out and needs support but she is wrong to assume you should be the one providing it.

You need to be clear with her that the options are:

• paid carers
• your parent might need to consider assisted living or a home.

Your sister should admit to herself that she can't cope anymore and ask for an assessment by the local authority. She made a choice to live with them and be their carer, now she needs to accept this is no longer working.

it really annoys how women are still automatically guilt tripped, including by other women, into sacrificing their own lives to care for everyone else...not everyone is cut out to care 24/7 for elderly people.

Nor to mention the fact that most of us need to work full time to keep a roof over our head these days and not to face poverty into our own retirement.

Stand your ground.

@bluebird3 '' You need to help her now in some way before she gets fed up and forces your hand.''

There is nothing whatsoever the sister can do to 'force her hand'.

The OP is an adult and decides what she does with her own life.

After seeing my parents and aunties and uncles struggle to work and care for my grandparents for theee years before they eventually went into a home I have already made it clear to my parents that I will do as much as I can practically whilst working and bringing up my family however they will have carers helping.

My parents and family had such a stressful time because grandparents refused carers.

I think it's the most selfish thing you can do to your children

Can you speak with your sister regarding getting people in to help?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Do as much as you can to support your sister, OP. Otherwise in years to come she may cut you off and not help you when you need it!

This doesn't mean you have to go in and physically do the caring yourself, we are not all cut out to do that. But you can do other things such as help arrange care to give your sister respite, contribute financially, be there to emotionally support your sister.

No you are not. People pay for their own care. If they don’t have the money it is paid for by the local authorities.

Yeah. Right

If this is the case, how come the expectation is almost always of the women in the family to sacrifice and social and family expectations of men are so very very different

Or is that down to karma too, maybe because Eve ate that apple?

Not if her father can afford to pay for it!

Some general words of advice.

Don’t assume your sister is living with your parents because she’s some kind of lazy ass. Maybe she is or maybe she’s had difficulties launching in life and you have skills that she doesn’t. That doesn’t make her a person who now deserves everything she gets.

When your parents are gone, do you want a relationship with your sister or would you prefer she now thinks of herself as an only child? That’s how it could go if you don’t help at all.

Do you actually like your parents as people and care about what they think about your level of interest in them? Does it bother you if they feel hurt or sad?

As another poster said, if your sister went to Australia tomorrow it would all be left to you to sort out. So she is doing you a massive favour.

You don’t know what she’s not been able to do due to still living with parents. For all you know, she might’ve been turning down opportunities to leave the family home due to your parents now being so elderly.

Nobody is asking you to give up your entire life. But not taking any action at all has consequences for your future relationship with your sister.

I would hope you've advised them of that so they can reciprocate. I think it's one thing to not want to do it, it's another to not feel anything about it

As a carer I don’t think you’re unreasonable. As other said, it’s it relentless, thankless work. I didn’t/haven’t cared for my parents but have children with moderate/severe disabilities and this will be my life. I cannot begin to explain the pressures and effect on mental health, and I feel awful for your sister. But she made her choice and you’ve made yours. I would say offer support and find a way together to find care from outside the family, help with chasing things up with SS, so the burden of care is lessened. But no, I don’t think it’s right to expect you to give up your whole life (and you pretty much have to) to become another carer. You can love a parent and still have your life decimated by caring duties.

All those saying they won't be doing any care, do you not have any intention of even checking if the care your parents receive is good quality?

There are so many neglect and abuse cases where the elderly have no one to advocate for them in and out of care homes. Loads of elderly hardly ever get visited in care homes.

If nothing else, I think it's short sighted because (hopefully) we'll all get old and if there is no one looking out for you to make sure you're ok you're going to be vulnerable to all kinds of treatment

And if he can't they need to get a social services assessment

'I admire family members who so willingly sacrifice so much to care for their older family members. I have seen my it in my own family, a family member with three young children, spending day after day at the elderly relatives house whilst the young children are missing weekends and evenings with their parents'

What is being 'sacrificed' here though? The childhood of those three children that's what. How is a parent supposed to provide loving, nurturing bonding to their children when they are largely absent? There is nothing to admire here and everything to question about that individual's lack of safe boundaries. The key word here is SACRIFICE. It is possible to love and care for another without overstepping a boundary and sacrificing one's own self in the process. You've answered your own question in a way though; that willingness to sacrifice is all about martyrdom, fixing and a deep seated inability to say no. Think about how you might (or might not) want to offer support within safe boundaries. Nobody else knows your relationship with your parents and if it has not been loving, caring and supportive you are under no obligation to surrender your life to them now.

If you don't want to support your mother and sister then offer to pay for weekend respite. That's the least you can do.

If I was in this situation my response would heavily depend on what type of care the dad needed.
If I were needed to help him shower/ dress/toilet then no I would organise a carer with my sister. There’s no way my dad would want me to care for him under those circumstances nor would I want to.
If it was the likes of cooking/ cleaning/ doing shopping for him then yes I wouldn’t mind even though obvs would be an inconvenience and time consuming
ETA: I would work with your sister on a solution as best you can

Loads of elderly hardly ever get visited in care homes.

In my case, my parents should have thought about that before being abusive fuckwits to their kids.

If nothing else, I think it's short sighted because (hopefully) we'll all get old and if there is no one looking out for you to make sure you're ok you're going to be vulnerable to all kinds of treatment

People don’t have children as a safeguarding measure for their future care. Most people are now working and taking care of their own children well into what used to be retirement age when their parents when younger. Especially women (who used to work little or not at all so care always fell to them, not feasible anymore).

What about those of us who have children who will simply not be able to care for us in old age like mine? Or childfree people, have we also been ‘short sighted’ about our future care?

Caring is incredibly hard and it changes the relationship you have with that person / people. You are no longer the daughter, so or whatever but a carer. When someone needs care the local authority / NHS / social services will try and get anyone involved for free. I’m not knocking them for trying as the services are so sparse - it is the fault of the government but that’s another rant for another thread!

You have to be really firm with your boundaries to everyone - it is not a matter of not loving your parents enough - it’s a matter of not wanting to be a carer. If you wanted to do that, it would be your job.

If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. It is your sister’s decision to take on a caring role - she is also able to say no even though she lives with them.

My elderly next door neighbour needed carers a couple of years ago. She went in to hospital and it was me who the social services spoke to to try and set up her care package, the lovely physios (who were really nice) asked me if I was prepared to be a carer and to help get the house ready for her return. I was put down for an emergency contact if she had a fall (not asked) so whenever her watch went off to say she had a fall they were phoning me to go and pick her up off the floor. Had to phone for an ambulance 3 times and the paramedics told me I shouldn’t be trying to lift her - I am not trained to do so and it should be 2 people so I should not be being asked to do so.
To cut a long story short (ish) I stepped back and the care package was increased. She now never because she has the right equipment, carers 3 times a day etc.

You will be used and expected to drop everything all the time and then all that happens is your dad won’t be getting the actual care package he needs.

Good luck and stick to your boundaries.

@Nonoatchristmas at least those without children or with children who physically can't assist because of disability are not treating them to be totally selfish and abandon their parents. Also I wasn't speaking of parents who have been abusive, I'm talking about where people have had decent childhoods then abandoning their parents, I would've thought that would be obvious because hopefully if you're parents were abusive you would've cut contact a long time before they needed personal care