Being roped into caregiving

[Newbie690]

I'm single and live in my own home about an hour away from my parents. My older sibling lives with them and also acts as a part time caregiver for my elderly dad who's unwell. She's honestly been brilliant.

She's recently told me she now expects me to share some of the burden and, as guilty as I feel, I don't want that kind of life or responsibility. It would mean staying with them for several days every one or two weeks. There's also no spare room so either me or her would have to sleep on a couch. They don't think that's a big deal.
She chose to live at home as it suits her circumstances but I've lived away since uni and don't want to change that.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I'm afraid I'm about to be roped into something which will only cause resentment.
Any advice?

You are being unreasonable to leave it all to your sister but she needs a break or she will burn out. Could you perhaps compromise doing a full weekend every other week, you could go early on the sat so only one night on the sofa. Do you work?

You don’t have to , they need to arrange a carer if she can’t manage

She probably needs a break sometimes. You say you'd feel resentful but that's probably how she's feeling. Is residential care for your father an option? Or carers visiting?

Join the elderly parents group.

I completely disagree with previous post. Your sister makes her choices about what she is willing to do, you make your own separate choices. You don’t owe your parents anything. I will never become a carer for my parents and I won’t be made to feel guilty about that.

It’s absolutely right DSis shares the burden. She needs her health and her life as much as you do.

But the carer doesn’t have to be you. It would be better for everyone if it wasn’t.

Agencies, the council, GP will all
help supply DF with assistance.

He’ll only get worse and more dependent so the earlier you get the pros in, the better.

Difficult conversation maybe - a lot more difficult if you don’t have it. Take on the job of getting carers in so she doesn’t have to do that too.

You certainly don't have to do this. Just because your sister has chosen does not mean you need to give up your life to do this.

Your sister may well not be able to do it all alone so there needs to be a discussion about carers. Perhaps the support you can lend is researching and speaking to care agencies to find a suitable one? Does your father require 24 hour care?

It isn’t up to the opening poster to give her sister a break, or to stop her burning out.

in these situations different family members can make different decisions about what they are willing or able or even want to do. And that’s okay.

Don’t put your life on hold and don’t agree to do anything unless you’re prepared to do it forever, until the end of your dad’s life. if you are feeling resentful about the thought of it, thr reality will make you feel even more resentful.

Your sister is telling you she cant do it all alone anymore.

Work with her to find a solution - a carer for a couple days a week, a carehome for daily visits (ie he stays 10am till 5pm a couple days a week), you do weekends, your DF pays her a salary so she can work part time, whatever.

You are being selfish and uncaring. My brother was like you and my dad changed his will to reflect his lack of care. I don’t get people who behave like you are towards their elderly parents.

I don’t think anybody wants to end up as a caregiver. Your sister included. It’s an enormous strain. I agree with others that it’s probably time to look for outside help, but you can’t seriously expect your sister to do it all.

She's not leaving anything to her sister as this si not her responsibility. The parent and sister can seek outside help.

It’s fine for you not to do the actual caregiving.

what isn’t fine is to leave all of it to your sibling.

you’ll need to help arrange and pay for respite care.

You can’t understand people who are not wanting to take this enormous strain when perhaps their parents aren’t kind, appreciative, been good or loving parents.
you can’t understand people not wanting to care give for years on end- suffering financially, in their career progression, losing time with their own children, damaging their mental health.

I have done it for many years. I loved the person I did it for- I sacrificed my mental and physical health, became a shell of who I used to be-and sacrificed so much of my children’s lives growing up. I’m amazed anyone who has done it would suggest they can’t understand why people don’t do it.

This is why I won’t do it for my own parents- my relationship with them is not strong enough that I’m willing to make that sacrifice. My brother may feel differently and that’s up to him. Whether I got disinherited or not, wouldn’t come into it.

Being a carer is utterly thankless and basically ruins the life of the carer as it becomes all consuming. Your parents need to start using paid agency carers or similar to help your sister get a bit of her own life back. The idea that you could stay over sleeping on the couch is ludicrous.

Nobody chooses to be a carer it's being a compassionate human being and part of a family....karma

Yes they do.
And no it's not.
That's BS.

They need to bring in carers, your sister needs to do less.

Then you could visit your parents if you want to. It’s not reasonable to expect you to live there for days each fortnight.

Why don’t they have carers! Can they afford it?

Get over yourself! She is being neither selfish or uncaring! So did you provide care for your dad because you wanted to stay in the will?
I personally have made it very clear I don't want my DDs to care for me when I'm old and doddery! And I give them money… all the time!!!

Well for one PP, it seems that it’s about not wanting to be written out of the will.
It absolutely IS a choice to care for elderly relatives when its absolutely possible to arrange for professional carers to support them.

It is ok that your sister wants to care for them and live in the family home.
It is equally ok that you do not wish to be a caregiver.
Both options are totally acceptable.

However, care takes many forms, it might be that you do want to help, just not as a physical carer, but you might want to sort finances, or source outside carers, or take on diy/ sourcing and dealing with trades etc etc - lots of different ways to be involved and provide support.

It isn’t acceptable for her to demand you become a care giver, she can ask, but not demand. ( they will have to source a carer elsewhere)
If you choose not to help, ( in anyway shape or form) then please don’t, in the future, criticise her decisions on what care is or isn’t given.

An unwilling/ unhappy/forced family carer is a recipe for ruined relationships.

It has suited your sister financially to live in the family home. I bet she has had a lot more freedom in her choices over the years as a result, when compared to you.

Offering the occasional helping hand, yes. Taking out your DPS for a day trip or spending the day in their home is fine. Regularly sleeping on the sofa to do caring duties, not so fine.

If it's at that point that they need more intensive care then perhaps it's time to actually find external carers to come in?

You don't need to do anything OP. Neither you nor your sister are responsible for their care. If she choses to be a carer, that is up to her but she should not try to make you feel bad for her choices.

She needs to look into getting carers. It will help everyone and I think it's easier on the family if they aren't always the ones doing the work.

Many organizations like Age Uk etc also run day care which could give your sister a break.

YANBU. Your sister has made choices, they’re not written in stone, she could decide not to be the carer and your parents could arrange for paid care. It is too much to expect you to go every other week for care duties (go as often as you want for visits).

I saw how my parents took on the caring for my grandparents, it zapped a lot of lenergy from them and their respective siblings didn’t step up. And I don’t blame the siblings, they were under no obligation. But I am very clear that it’s not up to my DC to care for me.