Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

267 replies

BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:31

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

OP posts:
idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:39

Why don’t you suggest something separate to involve your daughter?

Thats generally the issue with babies… they do need an early lunch and nap.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:40

how is she going to manage school if not able to meet family at mid morning?

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:43

they’ve had to work around the routine of one of the two children

and this year… the baby.

That is fine OP. don’t make something lovely… difficult. Suggest something else that you arrange - and that could also become a tradition

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:44

how old is your daughter?

SanexExpert · 19/11/2023 16:46

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:43

they’ve had to work around the routine of one of the two children

and this year… the baby.

That is fine OP. don’t make something lovely… difficult. Suggest something else that you arrange - and that could also become a tradition

This. It’s a shame but can’t be helped.

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 19/11/2023 16:47

But it's not fine is it!

They have ignored the needs of a disabled child for a baby who as the OP says won't remember it.
They didn't need to work around a baby last Christmas but yet still the OPs DD was excluded.

I'd be feeling quite hurt if I was the OP.

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:48

She is 5.

And we could do something separately, but the whole point was to have her attend the family events she can actually manage, rather than be separated out from her peers.

As for managing school, she'll be fine when she settles into the new routine - the problem is she starts the same week - only two days before this meal - which is why moving the time to later would be really helpful.

OP posts:
Winnading · 19/11/2023 16:49

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:44

how old is your daughter?

It says in OP 5
Hth

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:49

so for the two days previous… she would have been used to getting up, dressed and out the house in time for school starting?

So 11am on the 3rd is surely very reasonable?

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:50

does the baby have siblings?

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:50

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:50

does the baby have siblings?

No, only child so far.

As is my DD, if that helps.

OP posts:
Notjustfish · 19/11/2023 16:51

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:49

so for the two days previous… she would have been used to getting up, dressed and out the house in time for school starting?

So 11am on the 3rd is surely very reasonable?

Generally it’s advised to stick to same bedtime and getting up time to support sleep.

MamaGhina · 19/11/2023 16:52

Very gently OP, I don’t think they will move things to accommodate your child because the truth is probably that they would rather she was not there and I know that’s incredibly hurtful (having experienced exactly this with my own child who has been left out of family events). I’ve been told by family members that my child wouldn’t be able to cope with this or that when it’s quite clear from an objective viewpoint that with some adjustments my child would be able to participate to a degree but they would rather he wasn’t there.

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:53

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:49

so for the two days previous… she would have been used to getting up, dressed and out the house in time for school starting?

So 11am on the 3rd is surely very reasonable?

No, she will struggle with getting used to a new routine but that can't really be helped.
Ideally, I would have her rested at least a little bit before the meal to make the whole experience a lot less stressful for all involved.

I'm prepared to be told that I'm being unreasonable and I really don't blame my DB and family for wanting it earlier but I am feeling quite hurt as a PP mentioned.

OP posts:
idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:54

Notjustfish · 19/11/2023 16:51

Generally it’s advised to stick to same bedtime and getting up time to support sleep.

Show quote history

which would 11 is very reasonable time to meet

Nonplusultra · 19/11/2023 16:54

It was likely to be difficult this year anyway because of the change in her routine. A family event of that nature is hard going, but for a child just starting a new placement it might be too much.

I’d be a bit hurt by the arrangements too, but it might be best to be pragmatic. Having a row only cuts back on help and support.

I’m sorry it sucks- been on the sticky end a few times myself.

Mrgrinch · 19/11/2023 16:54

Honestly I think you're being quite unreasonable. You're expecting a lot of people to change their plans to suit you, but in my opinion your reason doesn't make sense.

bryceQ · 19/11/2023 16:54

Would your daughter be bothered about going? Would she enjoy it?

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:55

yes i completely understand you feel hurt

but someone had to feel hurt in the scenario

and all i’m saying is - don’t spoil what sounds like a lovely family tradition

perhaps you can see how things go and say you hope to join but may well not depending on how your daughter fares

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:56

how about you go to the panto

and then after the panto… you, DD and remaining family members go for a coffee and cake?

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 19/11/2023 16:56

Do your Brother and SIL actually know that their request to work around the 1 year old’s nap means your DD cannot attend? Presume the baby didn’t come last year?
Perhaps they asked to work around the nap without thinking what the impact on your DD would be? It may be an innocent mistake, perhaps they asked first so your DM accommodated their request out of fairness without asking them if there was any flexibility for the sake of your DD being able to attend?

if you have a good relationship with B and SIL I would think you could ask if you could chat through both child’s schedules and work out if a compromise was possible? It may not be workable for any number of reasons but equally there might be a solution, as long as you can all approach it with no hard feelings no matter the outcome there’s no harm in asking.

Viviennemary · 19/11/2023 16:57

I agree with you that your child should take priority. But this year she isn't. It's up to you how much of a fuss you want to make about it. Mid morning is a really odd time to have a meal I'd say.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:58

after Panto is quite late for lunch anyway

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:58

Viviennemary · 19/11/2023 16:57

I agree with you that your child should take priority. But this year she isn't. It's up to you how much of a fuss you want to make about it. Mid morning is a really odd time to have a meal I'd say.

i had it today!

brunch

was lovely

Mrsttcno1 · 19/11/2023 17:00

I can understand you feeling hurt, but you would be unreasonable to ask for changes to these plans. By the sounds of your posts your DD will be awake and around at that time so there is nothing stopping you going along other than you’d rather not at that time as later would work better for you. Changing the time would mean the 1 yo would either not be able to go at all (if need to nap at home) or would be there but fast asleep in the pram- the 11am time is the time everyone will be awake and around to attend therefore it is the fairest way to do it.

Also, the “the 1 yo won’t remember it” is a cop out- yes, they may not remember it. But their parents and grandparents will remember those special moments. By the “they won’t remember it” logic why do we do anything at all with our children before the age of say 3 or 4?