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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

267 replies

BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:31

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

OP posts:
Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:00

Mrgrinch · 19/11/2023 16:54

Honestly I think you're being quite unreasonable. You're expecting a lot of people to change their plans to suit you, but in my opinion your reason doesn't make sense.

All I was asking for was them to consider moving the meal back to after the pantomime has finished.

Ultimately, they need to understand that in order to involve my daughter and include her, plans may need to be tweaked from time to time.

OP posts:
Againlosinghope · 19/11/2023 17:00

Suggest that next your you go to the relaxed autism panto showing.
Maybe this year got to that the 3 of you as a trial run to see how DD copes.

Good luck with new school.
I totally get the issue with 11am my.autistic DD is wiped after coping with school and after school activities are a no no and generally she needs time to decompress after a change in routine so ushering out of the house early on a sat is likely to result in a meltdown

KaiserChefs · 19/11/2023 17:01

I think YANBU OP. It must be really hard for you to attend family gatherings at the best of times. All you needed was a little consideration.

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:02

Mrsttcno1 · 19/11/2023 17:00

I can understand you feeling hurt, but you would be unreasonable to ask for changes to these plans. By the sounds of your posts your DD will be awake and around at that time so there is nothing stopping you going along other than you’d rather not at that time as later would work better for you. Changing the time would mean the 1 yo would either not be able to go at all (if need to nap at home) or would be there but fast asleep in the pram- the 11am time is the time everyone will be awake and around to attend therefore it is the fairest way to do it.

Also, the “the 1 yo won’t remember it” is a cop out- yes, they may not remember it. But their parents and grandparents will remember those special moments. By the “they won’t remember it” logic why do we do anything at all with our children before the age of say 3 or 4?

Normally, I'd agree but there is a very real 5 year old involved in this too.

And she absolutely would remember this!

I can accept the consensus is I should suck it up, but I just feel that DM has sent me a very clear message this week and I don't quite know how to feel about it to be quite honest.

OP posts:
AyeDeadOn · 19/11/2023 17:02

OP, I think it's not helpful to post this on AIBU. Most people haven't a bloody clue what it's like. They think "well if she can go to school" etc. They have no idea of the planning that will have been put into the transition into school. They have no idea that some kids in SEN schools may well sleep at school, or have shortened days, if it meets their needs to do so. They just haven't a clue, and therefore think you're being awkward when you absolutely are not. YANBU. How involved are your family? Do they "get it"?

Pigeon66 · 19/11/2023 17:03

I am have a similar DS. Wider family don't want to exclude him, but often don't understand how to fully accommodate him. I would probably suggest a meet up after the pantomime ends at someones house with all the kids for a play date / afternoon tea / snacks? And you could do something DD really enjoys while they are at the pantomime.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 17:03

Op

suggest coffee and cake after the panto for family not heading off!!

and personally - i definitely would want my young children to eat before panto as presumably you’re not out until 2?

PickAChew · 19/11/2023 17:04

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:44

how old is your daughter?

It's in the thread title.

SgtJuneAckland · 19/11/2023 17:05

Could you meet them all afterwards for coffee/cake?

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:05

AyeDeadOn · 19/11/2023 17:02

OP, I think it's not helpful to post this on AIBU. Most people haven't a bloody clue what it's like. They think "well if she can go to school" etc. They have no idea of the planning that will have been put into the transition into school. They have no idea that some kids in SEN schools may well sleep at school, or have shortened days, if it meets their needs to do so. They just haven't a clue, and therefore think you're being awkward when you absolutely are not. YANBU. How involved are your family? Do they "get it"?

This is the thing.

They are normally pretty good! Granted, I don't see them all that often outside of big family occasions which given that my parents are still of working age and my siblings have their own very young children, I can very much accept.

But I've tried to explain this to them re the time and her transitions and they just don't see the issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:06

Pigeon66 · 19/11/2023 17:03

I am have a similar DS. Wider family don't want to exclude him, but often don't understand how to fully accommodate him. I would probably suggest a meet up after the pantomime ends at someones house with all the kids for a play date / afternoon tea / snacks? And you could do something DD really enjoys while they are at the pantomime.

Thank you, thats a really nice suggestion!

I will have to have a think and see if I can come up with something

OP posts:
MissHoollie · 19/11/2023 17:06

I've mixed thoughts
The 1 year old really won't be getting anything out of this at all. Will they be at the panto? They usually have a lower age limit
Your daughter will.
I think your mum or mother in law i can't remember which, will be really stuck here and I think compromise should be made.
11 am is odd for a meal to begin with
But I don't understand your reasoning for wanting to change the timing .
I think you need to be the one to compromise here.

arintingly · 19/11/2023 17:07

I think the issue is that a 1 year old can't just go for a late lunch - they will usually nap in the afternoon. It won't be possible to change that without the 1 year old having a massive strop.

So you're basically asking your DM to choose between two of her grandchildren, she can't really win here.

WillYouPleaseStand · 19/11/2023 17:07

I do think it would make more sense to work around your child than the baby in a way, but honestly, just let it go this time. It sounds like your week could be full and busy enough with your daughter starting a new school so it may be better to not attend anyway.

If the family keep fitting things around the new baby and not your child, then I’d say more, (much, much more 😉) but for now I’d just leave it.

I really hope the new school goes well and your daughter settles. 🤞

idealgift · 19/11/2023 17:08

so in previous years - you haven’t attended panto but have attended lunch?

Fullrecovery · 19/11/2023 17:10

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:49

so for the two days previous… she would have been used to getting up, dressed and out the house in time for school starting?

So 11am on the 3rd is surely very reasonable?

Doesn’t work like that with SEN - factor in exhaustion , sensory overload , overstimulation etc ….. OP’s dd needs to be accommodated not a baby who won’t remember

Mrsttcno1 · 19/11/2023 17:10

BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:02

Normally, I'd agree but there is a very real 5 year old involved in this too.

And she absolutely would remember this!

I can accept the consensus is I should suck it up, but I just feel that DM has sent me a very clear message this week and I don't quite know how to feel about it to be quite honest.

Show quote history

There’s also a very real 1 year old, plus their parents, plus their grandparents involved in this- all bar one of them will absolutely remember.

I would also say, how much is your DD actually going to enjoy this? I noticed you’ve said in your post that she can “just about cope with” the sit down meal, so it doesn’t sound like she will particularly enjoy it or want to be there? At which point you really want her to go for your memories, and because you feel she should be involved, rather than for her actual enjoyment, and at that point that’s no different to the 1 year old’s parents really is it? Both children will not massively enjoy or take anything from the experience, but both sets of parents would, hence both parents wanting their child there.

I think your DM has sent a clear message, but maybe not the one you think. The meal has been planned for a time when all parents/children are physically awake and free to attend. As others have mentioned, it’s common to have the lunch before the panto/cinema when a mid day showing as otherwise its a very late lunch.

I can understand you feeling hurt about it, but perhaps arrange your own plans with family for another day at another time? Or go along and try at the 11am?

idealgift · 19/11/2023 17:11

what’s happened in previous years? i’m not clear on that

Schooldinner2 · 19/11/2023 17:13

Yabu

11 is fine. You will likely need to get back in a routine from now till she restarts school anyway.
How old are the other kids going? Did they maybe find it was too late last time.

Could you not have tried the pantomine and just taken her out part way through.
For young kids/young behaving kids panto and a meal arent ideal anyway.
Organise meeting up for xmas soft play etc or a zoo.
I dont know but assume its unrealistic ro expect the cousins to be close will a non verbal child as i would think interests etc would differ?
My dc get on with cousins but they are all within a couple of years and have similar interests. Mine did play with a different 5yo cousin but the gap seemed much bigger (my youngest is 8) and it was more helping the dc than playing really.

Sometimes its just not worth going if your dc cant cope (mine is asd) and misses discos, shows etc. We dont tend to do cinema.

However it does sound like your DM is picking activities she wants to take kids to not what the kids would like most.

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:14

idealgift · 19/11/2023 17:08

so in previous years - you haven’t attended panto but have attended lunch?

The tradition only started last year. We were able to attend the meal which was later in the afternoon, but not the panto.

She struggled more with dining out last year so we were nervous even about that tbh but it went well off that we agreed to attend again this year.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 19/11/2023 17:16

I don’t think you were explicitly clear OP as some people don’t get “struggle” you need to do a loud tantrum to get their understanding e.g my relatives. You have to say (and maybe cry) that you won’t be able to attend and it means that DD is excluded and that you want a support at least from your own family etc etc (don’t comment about baby) I don’t know your mother and will this approach work or not, I know that it’s very exhausting and draining to fight for every little thing like this but maybe for the sake of DD you have to stamp your foot now.
However saying this you should be absolutely sure that your plan will work.
Why are you not going to panto? Surely you can ask for aisle tickets to go out in case of Dd being upset. it’s a lovely tradition and maybe you have to use to some adjustments yourself, don’t expect her to understand and join, set a small goal ( stay for a bit) and then ice cream at the interval with cousins, be relaxed about her needing a break. You are modelling to other people how to behave around DD.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 17:16

as i say - try for 11

if doesn’t work out

meet afterwards for coffee and cake

Dramatic · 19/11/2023 17:18

I think yabu. I'd just do the same routine you're going to do for school on the panto day too. If your daughter does become overwhelmed and can't manage then just leave, but surely with the change in routine that could happen even if the meal was a couple of hours later

FloweryName · 19/11/2023 17:18

For the children that are going to the panto, having their main meal of the day before is probably going to be better. That way they don’t get hunger and restless during the show and they can have ice creams or whatever without spoiling their appetites for later.

This occasion is about going to the panto so it’s fair enough for everyone to do what works best to accommodate that.

dammit88 · 19/11/2023 17:19

YANBU OP. It amazes me that people think differently. A 1 year old will be fine whatever happens - so they may get a bit tired or whatever but it's not the same thing at all. Id be very hurt.