AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

She struggled more with dining out last year so we were nervous even about that tbh but it went well off that we agreed to attend again this year.

You tried and it went well. If you try a meal at 11 this year she might also surprise you with how well she manages it. On the other hand they may change the plans and the meal after the panto may be a disaster for both the baby and your DD.

I think it's worth trying the earlier meal.

YANBU OP! Where family is concerned it should be EVERYONE catered to! I understand its very difficult to get a time to suit everyone, but it can be done if everyone tries. I understand a baby having a nap time would make it difficult but just doing it around that and not considering that means leaving your DC out is so thoughtless.
It's easy for other people to say you shouldn't kick up a fuss and you should accept people can't revolve around your child, but it's a meal time, it wouldn't have killed anyone to move the time and give you a bit of understanding.

I would make it known that you're upset about this and that your child isn't there for them to pick and choose what they're invited to because of their convenience! Your child is there all the time and if they can be included they should be like the rest of the family! Letting things like this go eats away at us until eventually we blow up!

Unfortunately, she would likely be quite disruptive and I don't think its fair to her cousins or anybody else if we did that. We've had to work slowly up with the most basic of things with her and I don't feel we're at panto level yet, especially one that isn't sen friendly.

I think I'm going to have a look at other activities but unfortunately, as it is a mid day showing and I don't mean to drip feed but people are travelling a fair distance for all of this, I don't think there is going to be any inclination to stay on even later for an event that is likely cost even more money at a level their children might not appreciate.

The cousins, bar the baby, are all of an age - 7, through to the 1 year old. Two of the cousins were born the same year as DD.

My DD5 is also SEN, on the extreme side. We as a family just go to these things because if we didn't, we wouldn't go anywhere. Its hard, there is sensory overload and screaming and tantrums sometimes, but we don't always give them credit for what they can cope with if we don't try. We had several all day weddings this year, the first was horrendous but by the third although there were a few moments, she did really well.

I would go, and be prepared to take them out if needed or worst case, leave, and have plenty of snacks and distractions.

Well it's not really a 'tradition' if it's only happened once before

I'd just not go. There seems to be no benefit from it anyway, they would all be busy discussing the panto anyway.

See I think with younger children food should be given before panto. Less fidgety and no mummmmmmm I’m hungryyyyy.

No a one year old won’t remember but I’m going to imagine this is a tradition they want to start with the baby since it started last year so going out on a limb it was started for said baby, now a 1 year old that’s grumpy and hungry and fussy at a panto is a huge no no and they don’t understand just 20 more minutes then food etc

However there’s then the conflict of your child not being hungry? Or just not ready to be out at 11am because of their needs too. But your child isn’t going to panto so doesn’t need to be fed before panto like the other. A compromise would be then doing something after cake and hot chocolate or something.

seems like a rock and hard place but as I said on a limb I think this whole tradition is set up for the baby by the parents/grandparents and that’s why what they are deciding trumps basically.

@idealgift has replied lots of times yet hasn't read the OP - it's very easy to read the OPs posts, you can even click "read next" if you can't follow.

OP try and meet the cousins another time on your terms. Clearly this plan is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

Honestly I think you're being quite unreasonable. You're expecting a lot of people to change their plans to suit you, but in my opinion your reason doesn't make sense.

If someone doesn't understand that someone with disabilities might struggle more at different times of day (often especially in the morning) then they don't have much life experience in that respect.

Speak to DM on your own, maybe she is in a bit of denial about the impact of DC's needs and presentation have. A separate get together doing something your DC enjoys, whatever that may be is the answer. Your DM will hopefully come to terms with the reality of the SEN you are coping with. I know kids who would love a Christmas of no visitors, a box of pom poms and a bubble machine, it's their time and adults need to fall in.

I think your absolute priority this year is getting her happy and settled in her new school and coping with her new routine. The suggestion of a mini meet up after the panto is a great one, though she will probably be a bit exhausted after a day at school so might not be at her best. There will be plenty of other years for her to be part of family events, so try to see the bigger picture, though I do understand and sympathise that you feel her needs are not being taken into account.

Yes, she probably would remember the meal and the panto, but since she won’t know about them if you don’t go and don’t tell her , then this is not something you need to worry about. Instead focus on making memories for her with activities that she will be able to take part in, and which will help her social engagement, a relaxed performance visit to the panto with you and your OH to build confidence in a new experience which can be very confusing, even a relaxed performance has some unexpected sights and sounds, going to see Christmas lights, or a candle lit Carol service, or a friendly and pre prepped visit to Santa. Search on your local Facebook and see if there are any mega Christmas decorated houses to go and look at.

You know your DD the best, if it’s not going to work, just say, it not worth stressing over. I am sure DM will understand and make some plans on another day for her granddaughter.

People without disabled kids just don’t understand it OP. They have clearly decided the baby is the one they want to cater for and that’s that. It does hurt, we’ve been here before with my disabled 5 year old. The faces my family pull when I say something won’t work for her! They just don’t understand. Just say no and make your own tradition.

It's equally true that a crowd of under 7s will generally not be able to sit through a midday panto without a meal beforehand. It doesn't make sense to make everyone else's day harder for the sake of one child who doesn't sound like she will particularly get much out of it - phrases like "she got through it" don't suggest she loved it.

Aww, that's a shame! If it were me an mine I would expect it to revolve around the child with additional needs, also if it was someone else in family I would also bend to their child who has additional needs. But thats just how I would operate.
Don't go if it's gonna be too stressful for your wee one. Mb next year
Good luck

They will all be talking about the panto.... your DD would have to listen to that

Do you expect them all to come out from panto and then all switch and focus on your DD?

I agree with this. If OP had said that her DD had absolutely loved it, it would be different but tbh, it doesnt sound like she did.

OP, maybe it's time to start asking for more help from family? Starting small and building up? I understand how daunting it can be to share that responsibility with someone else but if they never have it then they will never "get it" iyswim. Just a thought. Try not to be resentful, although I understand why you would be. Its often not meant badly. Just lack of understanding.

try for 11, if it works out - great. If not, then wish them all a happy day and look forward to seeing them soon.

And then you do treat day with daughter

last year she surprised you. this year you may be reporting back positively!

Go and if she can't cope leave. She may be fine and enjoy seeing the cousins if not go home. Like everyone else you have to fit in with other peoples plans, they can't plan around you.

do you live locally to your mother?

It sounds a tricky situation.

I wouldnt take my child if it was going to be distressing for them. It hurts they cant find something inclusive as well on a different day though.

YANBU OP. I'd be a bit hurt if I were you.

You are not being unreasonable a baby can be flexible and fit in with others timing and if they are a second or third child I have to your daughter obviously can't. Also who has a meal at 11am? It seems a strange time to eat.
I'm sorry they are not considering your child's needs OP but there isn't much you can do about it if they won't make reasonable adjustments for her. I would be upset about it too though.

I don’t think your being unreasonable OP. I think it’s really unfair your DD is missing out on both events to suit the sleep schedule of a one year old who would be much easy to convince to have an extra nap or deal with cranky than a 5 year old with SEN would be.

@idealgift why clog the thread? The age is in the title, it’s irrelevant if the baby has siblings, also irrelevant if OP lives near her mother,and OP wrote that they can’t go to the panto.
ffs.