AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

YANBU. Isn't it possible to have a meal (e.g. tea party) in the afternoon but before the panto so both children can attend?

If not, I do think DM should arrange it so your DD can attend the meal since she doesn't get the opportunity to socialise with the family as much and is already missing out on the panto.

I suppose next year DM could arrange it around your DD, so she alternates who attends if there are conflicting requirements. But I suspect this is going to be a reoccurring theme with your DM prioritising the younger cousins.

No-one is suggesting they don't feed the children before the panto just that the family get together meal could happen AFTER the panto

Sorry OP, but I think the kids need to eat before the panto. They're likely to get too hungry to wait until afterwards for a proper meal. Even my 11 yo nephew is asking for his lunch by midday (and I'll be taking him for an early lunch before we go to the lunchtime showing of the panto this year).

I understand it's hurtful to feel like your DD is being left out, but I think your DM is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she moves the meal, the other kids are likely to become cantankerous (Inc the 1 yo). Accommodating your DD has an effect on the rest of the group. But by sticking with 11am, your DD misses out. She can't really win.

You are not being unreasonable! As a parent of neurodiverse children with my youngest being the most complex , I totally get where you are coming from!
My youngest will take advanced notice and planning for event's etc but often will still like to attend.
Unfortunately as other posters have said it is likely family are planning for your child not to attend.
It is hard and you will feel sad for your child. I suggest planning an nice activity with them and that you have a nice day a sa family. Avoid the wider family and build your own
Memories!!

There is no way my kid would survive until after the pantomime (which I assume is around 3ish) for lunch. if we have a midday show/play date/party I always feed mine an early lunch as no way they survive from breakfast (usually 7/8) until 3 for lunch, even with a snack.

If lunch was booked for after I wound take my DS for Lunch before it regardless as no one wants hungry restless children during a pantomime.

I'd like to think your family don't mean to exclude your DD Op but if she's the only child in the family with SEN they may not understand the difficulties you face. They understand the time tables and accommodations for NT children and have moved the day out around to suit the baby, they know about that because they've all been there. I don't know how much your family understand about your DD's condition but I'd like to think if they did understand they would try harder for you.

YANBU and as the mother of a disabled child it often feels like our families expect us to be grateful for the crumbs, rather than their being fully inclusive.

They are able to go to the whole event this way. You were only ever available.for a part event soon course priority is given to the ones actually going to the panto.

@Gophergoesham I'm certain your children would survive. What do you think would happen to them?

❤️

@Legoroses thank you. I am ok now. My DC is an older teen now and despite their challenges, a amazing, loving, caring person. They gave achieved so much more than we ever thought possible . Thankfully, my parents embrace their grandchild (I am gonna be honest, it would have stung more of the exclusion came from my mum and dad). They are the light of my live. It's the loss of DH's family. We have other people in our life now who do not judge a person's worth based on their intellectual capability. Good riddance. Sometimes, DC with SN are an excellent filter for people who are not worth our time, love and dedication.

Honestly it does feel like an exclusion but I've a couple of tricky sen children myself and I'm a bit sensitive about them being excluded tbh it's usually just the three of us and if DD comes home it's four of us no extended family they just don't "get it" they see ds reading things therefore "he can read" but it's reception level work at best and he is in year SIX they don't remember 11year olds should be reading a lot more than "see spot run"

We have a child with severe autism. As they've got older we've had to eliminate most outings and family gatherings- we've also given up on any practical help/babysitting.

We've learnt early on that there won't be any time/venue/activities allowances made for them.
We now split family events, with either my husband and I staying behind depending on which side of the family is involved.
Sometimes I get pissed off, specially as I have devout parents who spend their whole time helping out at their church.

It's shit, really.

As someone who works in the field and has an autistic child you’re being quite unrealistic of your expectations here. In all likelihood she’s going to be absolutely wiped after school and up for nothing.

Furthermore it actually makes more sense to stick to the new timing as that will reflect her school day.

Clearly you don't have a ND child. Routines take a lot of getting used to, not just 2 days and it's all fine.

I feel for you. Don't have an SEN child but know my DC's boundaries during family meals out. Unfortunately other members of the family just don't get it with meals at certain times and not being able to hang around for ages when people are late. Are now just opting out of certain things. Yes DC miss out but they are happier overall because they are not being unreasonably constrained.

But could they not eat ( at home or elsewhere) and have something together after?

OP, I'm really sorry that they won't make the reasonable small changes you're asking for to include your lovely DD. I have a child with SEN and honestly, it teaches you who really cares about you and who can't be arsed to be even tweak their plans to make them inclusive.

I am a SEN mum and I get extra feisty about making sure my son is included and considered in these sorts of things.

SEN children miss out on so much already, simply for being disabled so when family make plans that intentionally exclude DS it's not something I let slide.

YANBU, I would make sure DM knows that she's implicitly othering DD, and if she chooses not to make plans that include DD who is an equal member of the family, that you'll be keeping contact with her to a minimum for the sake of making sure that DD grows up around people who want her in their experiences.

And if you had one you would know that sticking to the routine is key.

🙄

@Gophergoesham really what do you think would happen?

Op, the people saying YABU clearly don't have Sen children who need extra support. I agree you would like to think they would include your daughter but unfortunately they haven't. I would maybe see how it goes that morning, if she seems ok then go, if not then maybe do something as a family (you, her, DH(?) she would like instead.

as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for.

Why would she find it difficult at 11am but not 1pm?

I wouldn’t risk the pantomime but I would consider going for the meal.

Obviously I don’t know her issues/behaviour but you could go for the meal but be prepared to leave if necessary.
Or go at 11:30/12 and just get her a nice pudding.

Where is everyone going after the meal (or before the meal if the panto is afterwards)?

Could you suggest all meeting up at a local park for 30mins?

It will burn their energy off and give your DD a chance to see her cousins.