AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

Mine would need an early lunch at around 11 and then wouldn't also want a late lunch. It seems a bit silly for everyone to be separately feeding their kids at 11 when they could be together. It's an hour away and a snack at home wouldn't cut it.

They could do afternoon tea but the OP doesn't seem to want to suggest something after the panto.

@Calliopespa I think OP said they are travelling a fair distance to get there. So that wouldn't really work.

@AnneValentine I can see that she might benefit from a bit of extra rest at the weekend, esp. after having her first couple of days of school.

I completely sympathise. My own DC is 4, only starting to find voice, though is potty trained. She would have similar issues with routine, especially if school holidays etc, and has never coped with busier events. We tend to get excluded and it really does fucking hurt, so I do honestly sympathise.

Is there no possibility they could try to find a panto that is specifically inclusive for those with additional needs? Even better if it would mean the meal had to be later. I'm on your side here. I do sympathise with baby bedtimes etc, but I imagine your child is excluded often from bigger events (not meant offensively, just from experience, I'm happy if I'm wrong!), so it would be nice if family really tried to do the opposite. If said baby doesn't have additional needs they've a life time of events they won't be excluded from ffs. If my own child didn't have needs I would be horrified if something was arranged to suit them without considering one who has more needs. Failing that I echo trying to make own tradition.

If you don't think it will cause harm to your child I would take them. If they are disruptive they are disruptive. They are part of the family too so should be there if that's what they want.

I think you can’t know for sure that your child will be tricky late morning, or that they would be a lot better at tea time. You are guessing how they will be late morning after 2 days of school but you don’t know. They might fall asleep exhausted by tea time after school and be bouncing round at 4am - we have been there many times with our child with autism.

We have also spent many a meal out with my husband and I not sitting down at the same time. One watching the child then swapping over.

I think you should have given it a try if you thought your child would like to see their cousins and you wanted to go.

I would have focused more on trying to influence the venue to one of those with a Childrens play area (not soft play but the area of kids play in pubs etc - where there is a vibe that kids can move about) or some play equipment outside.

This is a good point.

OP you are wanting family to only see your daughter when she is at her “best”.

For the sake of her comfort and so that you can manage her easier…

I think at some point with SEN you just have to get on and push the boundaries slightly, especially with holiday periods.

If you don’t ever challenge her to adapt with some degree of flexibility then she will have extreme rigidity engrained into her psyche and you will live a life completely constrained.

Yes it could be a disaster. But you could be pleasantly surprised.

What is the worst that can happen, she has a meltdown and you have to leave. To my mind this would be more likely to happen later in the day when she is more tired, not earlier.

Baby and new parents trump SEN on this occasion.

@BreatheSEN

I think there are so many factors that could impact any plans, it might be best to play it by ear and see how your DD is on the day?

So - is it possible to reserve a place, but then cancel your places if DD can’t cope? Otherwise arrange to see cousins after the pantomime, and just plan any meals as best suits you?

I think the stress/anxiety of : we must try and be here at this time, we must try and be able to cope with a meal out etc is too much.

Parenting a child with special needs is hard, most parents who haven't experienced it don't have a clue how much they could help by being a little more understanding and flexible.

OP, I also think AIBU is the wrong place for this. Most people have no idea just how difficult life can be with a disabled child, and how difficult it is to manage things that everyone else takes for granted. The lack of understanding shown by so many posters here is the same lack of understanding your family are very sadly showing to you now.

You are right to feel the way you do. It is a great shame they have decided to organise things in such a way that your disabled child is excluded... and that is what they have done.

It is rubbish, hurtful and deeply disappointing. As a parent of child with special needs I would be incredibly upset too.

I don't understand.

Your reason 11am is not suitable is DD doesn't sleep well so would be 'tired' but she is about to attend school where she HAS to be up for that time regardless of if she likes it or not. Millions of kids don't sleep well its not remotely unique.

If she starts school that week and is of legal attendance age you can't just take her out of school for a family meal so unless its after 3.30 you can't go anyway surely.

You don't seem to be taking the importance of school very seriously, this isn't a club you can just show up when you want to or drop out of if your tired.

And in case like above poster you want to claim 'ignorance' to my post I have LD myself and 2 SEN kids, no ignorance here just reality.

I wonder if it's a weekend? 🤔

@housethatbuiltme

I don't understand..

that's bloody obvious how clueless you are. Not sure why you bothered posting.

YANBU to feel the way you do.
Many don’t realise how isolating having a SEND child can be. They are probably justifying it to themselves that they are making it easier for you by excluding her (and you). There are many things your child cannot access- your family should be the ones creating opportunities for her.

Could be I suppose but it would be very odd for a child to start school mid term on a Thursday.

Hungry, restless, chatty… the opposite of how my well fed kid is at shows. Hence why I take him to eat prior to it not after it.

pretty sure if someone came on here saying they only gave their kid a snack between 7am and 3pm, they’d be met with outrage.

Not sure why you are being obtuse?

You'd give an ultimatum of putting your child first, or you'll stop your mum from seeing her grandchild?

The poor woman is trying to do something nice, and be fair to both siblings, but whatever she does, it won't suit one of them.

If I was OPs mother, caught between her son and daughter, I'd not bother doing any of it at all.

@housethatbuiltme not as odd as someone to think its appropriate to come on this post and question people about the school times of their SEN child! That would be really fucking odd!

@Gophergoesham not being obtuse, just wondering why your children's needs, mean they wouldn't survive?

Are you always so dramatic?

What about the needs of the SEN child?

YANBU and I can’t believe anyone seriously thinks you are. I don’t quite understand why the time doesn’t work for you but you’re the one with a SEN child so you know best. No reason for your family not to trust your judgement on that unless they really just don’t care about including your daughter. Also don’t get why it would mess up a 1 year old’s bed time?? Either way a 1 year old is probably not going to get much out of this day and far less remember it, so to prioritise them over a 5 year old is just awful. Objectively it seems like it must be intentional tbh, either do something where everyone can participate or arrange two different days out with the grandkids separately.

I think it's a shame to bow out OP for reasons that may or may not happen. It's a lot for her to take on but all you can do is put in place as much as you can beforehand and have contingency plans if it does all fall apart. You say you were anxious last time but that went ok. If you don't let her try then she'll never have the opportunity to show you what she can do. Sometimes kids can really surprise us.

I have one with ASD and I remember spending an hour at a Christmas church service whispering Thomas the Tank Engine books to him to keep him quiet and happy in between the singing. I had no idea if he'd get through it but I'd just have gone out with him for a bit if he kicked off.

So I think you should consider going, she'll have to be up early for school so you'll want to start getting her in that routine long before she starts anyway. Take a bag with anything she loves in it and have a plan for is she does struggle - the obvious thing is that you stay and her dad takes her outside for a bit and if she doesn't want to go back then take her home.

Of course the other option is you go on your own and she stays with her dad.

@housethatbuiltme I didnt understand that either. I am presuming its at the weekend, but if OP's DD is too tired by 11, wouldnt that also apply on school days?

I'm genuinely not trying to be an arse here, I'm just confused how having lunch a couple of hours later would make so much difference that its completely unmanageable at 11 but ok three or four hours later (again, not trying to be an arse)

could you maybe do post panto refreshments/mincepies/icecreams? It is such a shame - to miss out entirely.

How were your children two days after starting school?

It’s a commonly used turn of the phrase.

I said nothing about the SEN kid - I said I’d need to take mine to eat prior to the show, with or without the other members of the family.

Like I’m always taught on these boards. I advocate for my child and their needs. Like lots of other people on this thread who said their kid would also need to eat prior to it.