AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

All the 'but how will she go to school, if she can't get to a busy lunch in a strange place at 11' and the 'just try it, OP' people could maybe google 'autism'.

This child's mother is telling you she doesn't do mornings. 'She'll just have a meltdown, otherwise she'll never learn to be flexible' is somewhat like saying 'you'll learn to swim by diving in'. Some very adept people might, but a lot of people would be so traumatised that they never go near the sea again. I trust the mum to make this call.

are you saying that if you said to the child “do not ever call DD that word ever again”, the family member renting your home to you would… kick you out or raise the rent?

This has gone from about lunch plans to a very very dark side to your family OP

No, my intention was never to drip feed.t
I don't think I can tell my other DB and his wife about how to parent their child. His comments have upset me but he is 7 so I've accepted that he has a lot of maturing to do.

His comments are independent of the nature of the post - totally not indicative of the attitude of today.

I don't know how to describe it. I'm generally a people pleaser but I have little to no social life. I'm suffering mentally and have done for the past two years. I was bullied very hard in my own childhood that I have raged about how my own child has been treated.

I'm in general torment in between wanting that familial connection and protecting my daughter. My family.....they don't respect me. People have been kind as to call me gracious on this thread but honestly, I'm just weak. And sad.

@idealgift I think OP was talking about how it'd be hard for her to host a meal as the home is small.

But it definitely makes things more complicated if she's renting from them.

@BreatheSEN The dog comment is awful. I'm so sorry all this is happening.

Tbh mate, I;m more concerned about my other nephew who is also 7 but has always been protective of my daughter because he has been exposed to autism.

My sister - his mother - must know this situation isn't right.

None of them have reached out to me today. I don't know what to do or how to feel.

My loyalty is to my daughter and that will not change. Her above the rest of them .

But I'm constantly finding this whole situation with my daughter requires me to change and be bolder but when it comes to my own family, it requires even more.

I'm just so tired. Do you understand what I'm saying? Protecting my daughter means upsetting people no matter what. Which tbh I'm fine with. But it means decreasing my social circle even more....

I don't mean to drip feed. I genuinely don't know what to do.

If you can understand the timings of the day around the panto and that people won’t want to get back late, in the dark, with their own young children then I don’t see why you’re taking it so personally.

Although it must hurt and be very disappointing for you, at least you can admit that in these circumstances, you are hoping for others and their children to inconvenience themselves quite a lot, especially when it’s likely that they’re finding it hard to understand why 11.00am. It won’t do you any good to hold on to resentment over this when your family genuinely mean no harm.

i really feel for you

So all the children in the family get to attend the panto and your child's only involvement would be the meal?

And they won't even accommodate that?

I think that's sad.

Honestly if your daughter is starting a new school and has significant needs, doing this on a sat would be stressful for her. She won't remember this in years to come. Just have a nice chill day with her to celebrate her first school days. My son has severe autism and we just do our own thing that makes him happy

Quite honestly the baby being “accommodated“ shouldn’t really even be going. It’s not fair to other audience members to take a child that young. I would see the point about accommodating the others if it was a case of an older child, but it isn’t. And OP, if they are not making an effort to enable DD to come as well as not absolutely stamping out the “dog” name calling, I’m beginning to wonder if there are cousins on the other side you could work to build the relationship with for DD?

I haven’t read all of this but based on your original post Yanbu. Your family sound really crappy! Your poor child, if you were my family I’d do everything possible to accommodate you so you could be included!

A 1 year old won’t suffer if they’re out of routine for one day, and will probably nap in the pram!

You’re better off without these sods in your life. Plan a nice meal out with just you guys and forget them.

Honestly OP and I really hope you read this, as a fellow mother of a SEN child, who is also autistic, disabled in many ways, I completely understand where you're coming from and frankly some of the comments on here are showing some huge privilege and in some it's outright ableism.

You try being up with a child who doesn't sleep properly, who often has huge difficulties doing everyday things and knowing that you have made substantial progress in one area like this family have, yet the child's own family aren't willing to make an change that will benefit the DISABLED child.
Those asking why she will struggle as she will have been getting up for school have no idea how much downtime an autistic child needs to rest and shut down and how much prep it takes to actually get your child into a new routine.

You don't ask physically disabled people to stop making a fuss and just get up physically enter a building. You make adaptations to ensure disabled people can access the building. So I'm going to completely unapologetically tell you that you can't ask to do it to those who are 'invisibly' disabled either. Oh yeah just switch the autism off for a few hours will you? Get out of that routine and make yourself incredibly, sometimes physically uncomfortable for the sake of the Neurotypicals will you? NO.

Your family are being inconsiderate ars*holes. They know your child and the difficulties she faces, she would actually stand to benefit and the other child does not, no you are NOT being unreasonable.

Please don’t think you are weak. There is a horrible tendency especially these days - and evident on some of these threads at times - to conclude people are weak if they aren’t all mouthy and aggressive. The genuinely strong and intelligent are able to admit to and convey their feelings articulately the way you have done. The fact you aren’t lambasting everyone doesn’t mean you aren’t strong; it simply means you are casting about for an appropriate- and ultimately more effective - way to deal with the situation. I feel certain you will find it because, as others have said, you are so gracious which is a sign of real inner strength.

I’d be tempted to be going somewhere fricking amazing afterwards for lunch or ice cream with your own daughter. Announce it to everyone and then waltz off into the sunset with your daughter.

Or, like someone else has suggested, if it’s been an intense week already, it may be calming to stay at home. You could bake some Christmas goodies, decorate the tree, make a hot chocolate station, watch a nice movie and have a lovely time.

I understand how much of a kick in the teeth it is, having kids with autism. Sometimes I have been persona non grata and it has been really hurtful.

Absolutely, it is incredibly isolating having SEN children.

Honestly I think you are right when you say with a group of young ish kids if would not be suitable to go for a meal afterwards when they are all wound up after a panto and full of sugar and have a hour journey home then.
I think your reason that your daughter 'may' be tired is pretty flimsy to be honest to expect everyone else to move to accommodate. It's also possible that she will be totally shattered from school and will have passed out the night before.

I think you've spoilt things for your mom now by having a sulk, she was only trying to do a nice thing for her grandkids .
You could just have said that you would see how she was on the day and play it by ear depending on she was.

You’re not weak. You’re just finding your way in the early days. It takes a while to work out who is going to be accepting and who isn’t. And you will build that strong network of support via the change of school etc.

"I think you've spoilt things for your mom now by having a sulk, she was only trying to do a nice thing for her grandkids ."

Apart from accommodating the needs of the disabled grand daughter.

I do understand how you feel, but I think the problem here is the time of the panto. It won’t really be possible for the other young children to wait until 3.30 for their lunch, so they are going to need to be fed before they go into the panto anyway.

I imagine your DM didn’t understand that it would be impossible for your DD to attend at 11 and that it hasn’t been done deliberately to exclude you. It’s just that this particular meet up has to fit in with the panto, which is at the time it is and can’t be changed.

However, if you explained all this to your mum, might she be able to host a separate meet up for all the kids at a different time that would be fitted around your DD’s needs?

And anyone who thinks a baby is hard to accommodate wouldn’t last 5 minutes with OPs ds (who I am sure is delightful).

Honestly OP I remember a friend saying to me years ago ‘I’ve discovered most people are a disappointment’ and I thought that summed it up pretty well. But there are angels out there and you will find them. Hopefully your mum will grow to better understand the situation.

I wouldn’t do the crying, screaming emotionally manipulative tantrum that a PP. suggested btw. I would just explain honestly how you are feeling in yourself to your mum and what your DD will be feeling like that week, and emphasise how much you both love them and want to spend time together, and see if you can work together to organise another event.

Username checks out

My gut says this is not as much about your DD as it is about your mother being inconsiderate.
I sympathise; I have an autistic child myself, and it freaking hurts when he is left out.