AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

I don't understand everyone saying the 1yo will need to eat early. I remember mine eating a few meals and a couple of snacks. Why not give the 1yo a packed lunch at 11 then they can pick at bits while everyone has the big lunch oheit together?

Nobody in my family accounts for my daughter being 2, so if I'm seeing them and a meal is going to be at a time that doesn't suit her, she has a sandwich or something, and picks at dinner. Although generally I give her tea as soon as she gets back from nursery at 5 because she acts starving and then a proper adult dinner with me. I don't see why everything has to revolve around a 1yo who won't be that routine driven? If they're used to eating at 11.30, they can still eat then, and enjoy sitting at the table after the panto or nap in a buggy.

We don’t have any kids with SEN in our family or extended family. But I can say that if we did, every generation of us would honestly accommodate the disabled child. Who already misses out on so much. Where is the compassion??

Why do the worst posts start with ‘honestly’?

Exactly. If the OP could make it work she would do. She knows her child best and the ‘advice’ on this thread is just patronising.

I’ve just read that post and I agree with their approach actually (they didn’t say to scream or be emotionally manipulative though).

Too many times people like OP’s family excuse their behaviour by saying ‘I didn’t realise you were upset’, ‘you should have said something’ etc.

OP is upset, she can show that upset to her mum, she doesn’t need to be dignified all the time. If she feels like crying, she should cry. She probably bottles in a lot all the time, she shouldn’t have to bottle in her feelings about this as well.

Oh yes absolutely, she should express her feelings openly, and if that naturally involves crying then by all means, I wouldn’t hold them in.

I just don’t agree with the idea of deliberately and consciously planning and performing an angry tantrum as a means of getting your own your own way. It seemed to me that that was what she was suggesting.

So you never go out for lunch?

Tbh we never went out for dinner until kids were much older - certainly older than 1.
Perhaps actually this yearvon holiday at 8 and 11.

Dd2 used to be a runner till 5yo and we went to an all day 40th birthday outside at maybe 2yo. She kept running off. After that we didnt do anything non enclosed.
Often you cant pick the location or time of events.

It does sound like several people are being rigid - op, the 1yo mum and even the granny.
Certainly in our family despite dd's asd we have to adjust as DM is very rigid (wont get up early ever etc) so the kids would have later lunch and behaviour would be even worse. But also gpil have own rigidities (stopping all the time for coffee so not turning up). Luckily mine arent hugely tied to routine, but flexing around the adults is less than ideal.
Annoyingly then they all wonder why the kids are grumpy!

It’s nearly broken me tbh!

Is it not this, that's influencing the need for an earlier meet though? That they want to be on the road and home before dark rather than they're purposely planning to exclude DD? That even if they didn't meet first they'd have to leave after panto?

OP has your mum suggested her organising an alternative Christmas treat for DD if this one seems to be unable to bend to make it possible? Would that make you feel better for DD? I realise DD won’t necessarily be with her cousins but at least she is being thought of and treated as equal, if not the same.

I was going to say the same. If she hasn’t I think that speaks volumes tbh.

how often does your mother see your DD?

This thread makes me so sad... OP, I hope you and your DD have a lovely Christmas.

Not often. Mainly family occasions - birthdays, Christmas etc.

She lives about an hour and a half away in fairness and I don't drive for medical reasons so our getting over to see her is limited to when DH is not working.

However, she was in the area on Saturday for said 1 year oldest birthday party - DH was working so we couldn't go - for the party and later on at pubs with friends in the next town over to us.

She made no noises about coming to see us - mind, I didn't ask her to either and I don't think she would have done if I even had anyway.

Sounds like there are a lot of issues going on here - from your nephew calling your daughter a dog, to your mother not making an effort to come and see you - although to be fair if she was in the area for the one year old's birthday and you weren't able to attend that, then it's understandable that she didn't cut her time at the party short to visit you. As for the panto/lunch timing I don't think she has done anything too wrong on this occasion - from your updates there seems to be multiple children involved so she has gone with the majority who will enjoy the panto much more with full tummies.

Well done for getting your daughter into a SEN school by the way. My two god sons are both in specialist school settings and I know the amount of work that their parents needed to put in to get them in to them - it was a hard and frustrating slog and I'm sure you must have gone through the same.

This, all day long.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry things are so tough. You sound wonderful and your daughter is so lucky to have you. I really hope her school placement goes well and that she is happy there. <flowers>

Could this maybe be a reason?

You chose not to go to the one year old cousin's party just because your DH was at work and despite your mum travelling already one and a half hours to get there. Why did you not go? Could you get a cab there? How do you intend getting to the meal?

Playing devil's advocate maybe they see it as you not bothering then so why should they bend to accommodate you this time? Maybe they were upset you didn't go for such a flimsy reason?