AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

would i be right in thinking you are local to the restaurant whereas baby’s family isn’t local and home journey home?

This is tricky. On a practical level, it does make sense to feed the children before the pantomime.

Unless it's a 3 hour journey I think you are being unreasonable

Could the older cousins meet for ice cream after the panto? Make it an extra special day for them all.

Thank you all for responses.

We have decided to bow out - perhaps I've not been clear enough about child's needs and presentation, but they are quite substantial which is why I believe she's not yet ready for something such as pantomime. And why I believe the timing is an issue for what already is going to be a potentially challenging week for her.

I'm upset because I feel her being around her cousins, being used to be around other children will really help her as she begins school. Selfishly, I would have quite liked to have gone as I had to give up work last year to care for her and opportunities to socialise have been quite thin on the ground - however, there will be other family events including those on DH's side.

I have said my piece to DM so she knows how I feel - they are sticking with the 11am arrangement.

Tbh, I don't think there will be time nor inclination for family to stay around longer especially if it means spending more money too. My family are more like the get in and get out, mindset.

I'd start her on the early schedule now an I'd go to the meal. The faster you move to an earlier schedule the best for dd

I just read the first post in reply OP but I'd already made up my mind. It's absolutely understandable your hurt. I'd never prioritise my one year old baby to the detriment of a disabled child and the parents for the sake of a nap, unbelievable. I don't know what the outcome will be although I hope it will be in your favour.

Its about an hour away for pretty much all involved.

The distance isn't a major issue for me, though it would mean further time constraints in the morning.

really hope this doesn’t derail christmas entirely

@BreatheSEN by the way I don’t think even for a second that you are unreasonable, your mum is. I wonder if she is in denial a bit or just to focus on this perfect picture of all grandchild going to a panto. And @dammit88 is right that it doesn’t matter for a baby and baby can be disruptive anyway whatever their routine is.
I just don’t want them to use doing things without your DD, fight for this, try going for a meal. Can you think carefully and ask for a particular sitting arrangement or food? Don’t give up. I knew a lot of 5 years old who were in nappies and now they are 16 years old joining family events. Hang on there.
Don’t be politely silent with your Mum as I was with mine, make your feelings and worries known.

and I don't mean to drip feed but people are travelling a fair distance for all of this,

did rather indicate that it was longer than an hour 🤷‍♀️

I would have tried with the earlier meal as your DD may have surprised you. But understand why you've made the decision to bow out.

OP- you are absolutely not being selfish for wanting a bit of social time, please dont feel that.

Could you maybe suggest or arrange some other events that centre around activities your DD would enjoy?

This. It’s really unfair. Just be upfront about the issue and maybe do your own thing, join when you can. It sucks.

I think it’s a real pity and understand you feeling hurt. As you point out, the baby won’t remember much and it seems evident from your post that it is really hard for you to find opportunities that work well. I don’t think your thoughts are unreasonable at all. The only thing I wonder is, if it becomes a big issue, how much will you actually enjoy it. I’d ask one more time and if your point is taken that’s great; but if you have to put on the boxing gloves to force it through it starts to become a Pyrrhic victory.

Typical, loads of people really don’t get having a sen child 🙄

i get you, OP. I think unless someone has a disabled child, many posters will not understand or suggest your DM is not ar fault. it bloody hurts when your own child is not excluded. Not just from the whole class birthday party, but from your own family.

both my DC have SN. one with a chromo disorder and severe autism. DH's family decided to cut DD (and by extension the rest of the family) off sometimes it is just easier to move on. Not everyone is able to embrace a DC with complex needs even if they are family. Much easier to arrange things in a way which are not accessible so it becomes your fault for being difficult not to attend.

I have moved on. Only DH has contact to his side of the family now. it's a shame but I guess it is a reality many of us face. A severely autistic older child often is just an inconvenience, nothing else :(

Oh, OP, I'm so sad for you. Your world narrows down so much when you have children with special needs AND your family don't work with you. I'm gobsmacked at your mum and full of admiration at how calm and decent you sound about it all.

She's still 5, as it says it in the OP!!

OP, I think they're being totally unfair, I'd decline and not offer an alternative.

I think YANBU. Your DD will already have to miss out on so many events due to her needs - such as the pantomime even on that same day - so I think it’s a shame they haven’t moved hell and high water to include her for the bit she can enjoy

Yes. It’s the fact that this is a family event that must be especially hurtful.

It's equally true that a crowd of under 7s will generally not be able to sit through a midday panto without a meal beforehand.

They will've had breakfast, and can have lunch fairly soon after the panto. They could have a snack or something.

And @iloveherons - God, I'm so sorry for you too. I can't imagine how this feels. It's hideous.

Realistically if all the children involved are under 7 then they need to be fed before the Panto so the meal time makes sense.
Is your DD going to be able for a meal out if they have only just started school. She may need time to decompress and rest after such a change.

I know you want your DD to mix with cousins but honestly that isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Children can be incredibly kind but sometimes very mean.
My own ASD child probably struggled most with cousins tbh.

As I say, the DD is 5, as it says in the title and OP! Who on earth would take advice from someone so unable to gauge the situation?