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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL has told me I can't give my baby a certain name because I "didn't try" for my baby and she has been trying for years

214 replies

Dramatic · 18/11/2023 21:22

So me and SIL are both pregnant. She is due around a month after me. I have two daughters already and she has a 4 year old son.

She has been trying for a baby since her son was about a year old, she's had two miscarriages (I had a miscarriage between my two daughters so I understand how painful it can be and I've always been very supportive with her)

When I fell pregnant this time we hadn't been trying and it was a bit of an "accident" for want of a better word. We found out at a similar time but it turns out I'm further along than I thought, she became instantly frosty towards me and outright told me I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her. I tried to just ignore this and put it down to her still being upset about the previous miscarriages etc.

However, we were discussing names recently and I said I was thinking of calling my baby a name and she straight away said "no you can't do that because I'm calling mine X" she then followed up by saying I should let her have first choice because she tried so hard for her baby and I didn't try at all. For context the names are very similar , think Georgie and Georgia (not the actual names)

AIBU to be really annoyed about what she's insinuating here, almost like my baby isn't wanted so I should give up the name I love?

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 19/11/2023 10:04

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 19/11/2023 09:15

Absolutely agree with everything @billy1966 has put above especially Worst thing you could do is allow her to think you will tolerate her telling you what you can and cannot do. she is batshit.
And I can't believe all the posts telling you to acquiesce to her demands and 'think of her' especially when she's not thinking at all of the op and is being rather a bitch!
@nibblessquibbles If you've swooped in suddenly with a baby that is going to arrive before hers and with the same name, I can understand she may feel disappointed.
So you think that the op and her dh have purposely planned the conception by swooping in before the demanding sister's due date to steal the name?

No. I was just saying that from SIL perspective this is how it will feel. OP said it wasn't planned so it may feel a bit like that to the SIL. I was just trying to reflect what the other side of this story may be.

coconutpie · 19/11/2023 10:06

Bogeyes · 19/11/2023 09:40

Tell her to fuck off

This couldn't have been put more beautifully.

Also, use the name you wanted to use. Your SIL is batshit and just because she had a miscarriage, doesn't mean she gets to treat you like shit.

Shalopea · 19/11/2023 10:10

Dramatic · 19/11/2023 09:38

Yes we've both had a few scans each confirming that they're both girls

Show quote history

Still a chance either could be a boy though if you haven’t had the blood test. My sonographer said she only ever says “80% likely” a girl as the crucial part might just be tucked away.

MrsMarzetti · 19/11/2023 10:22

coldcallerbaiter · 18/11/2023 21:40

Is yours going to be born first?

Who knows but the poster is 4 weeks further on.

dogvcat · 19/11/2023 10:56

unicornflakegirl · 18/11/2023 23:16

Yes you were foolish to discuss names but it’s done now. If the name is the one you want then use it. If SIL really wants the similar name she can still use it, there is no reason why cousins can’t have similar names. On both sides of my family there are cousins with the same first name (on one side they also share the same surname, people just refer to the parent’s name if context doesn’t make it clear which one).

If this is out of character I would let it go, it sounds like she has been through a lot and still raw. People probably have feelings like her, they probably just don’t say them out loud. As in her feelings are logical to her, this pregnancy for her was long-awaited and yours was ‘effortless’, I can see why she feels as she does. But most people wouldn’t say that, especially not to the subject of their envy.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and don’t stress about this. It has just worked out in our family a few little sets of cousins around the same age and it’s really nice to see.

As an aside in the country I live in now people announce the name well before the birth, it blows my mind as in my family there is usually a shortlist but no name actually chosen until the baby is born and see what suits it.

If sil had been trying to have a baby since the year dot, and hadn’t already got a child, then I could maybe see your point (but wouldn’t agree with it). However she already has a 4 year old, so the “long awaited” pregnancy and “been through a lot and still raw” is a bit moot.

I’m not minimising the miscarriages, they are hard to deal with (I had two, but nobody other than my dh knew, the OP had 1), but many, many people have to deal with them and some aren’t lucky enough to ever have a child! In the grand scale of things, sil is being very unfair, to think that her pregnancy is more important than the OP’s one, just because the OP didn’t have to try, while she did.

There should be no dibsing a baby’s name and I really hope the OP doesn’t back down and use another name. The OP has as much right to use her favoured name as sil has to use her’s.

Heresapickle · 19/11/2023 11:08

muchalover · 18/11/2023 21:34

Would you be happy with your baby having a near identical name though?

I'd choose again. Not for her sake but for your baby's sake, so that they have their own identity.

Edited

Yep- if it will bother you that they have similar names then choose another one (although be prepared for her to change her mind and not use the name that is causing the issue when the time actually comes),

or if you think this is a genuine blip in behaviour from a usually rational woman (caused by miscarriage grief)- then you might want to comply

If you give in to this then it might be “you can’t have a birthday party for X because we are having one for XY that weekend”, and “X can’t wear that because XY is wearing it” or “Z can’t be X’s Godmother because she is going to be XY’s”

PeonyBlush22 · 19/11/2023 16:56

She's nasty, selfish and entitled. Call your baby whatever you like.

Orangeandgold · 19/11/2023 17:37

I would ignore her. Would stop engaging with her too. She sounds like she is hurt but she is offloading it in an unhealthy way.

Call your baby what you want and maybe cut back on conversations about the babies.

MeMySonAnd1 · 19/11/2023 18:39

Stylishnewmama · 19/11/2023 08:54

@MeMySonAnd1 Jesus! So what if they get the same name? Half of my cousins have my grandmother’s name and all the boys on the other side of the family have the same name or close variations of my grandfather’s name. I can assure you we never get confused about who is who.

Unless you only have 2 girl cousins with the same first name and only a couple of male relatives with the same first name, how is this not confusing?

OP, use the name you love. Your child will be born first anyway. Also, how are you stealing attention? Neither of you are pregnant with your first born.

Honestly, it is not rocket science. I have a couple of cousins who are brothers and share the same name, one as a first name, the other one as a surname. Pet names abound in families so we use those as that’s what we learned as children and if there is no pet name we just add the surname (obviously not when talking to them) and honestly NOBODY has died and NOBODY has had a fallout over this. And yes, on one side 10 cousins with the same male name and on the other 9 girls with the name of my grandmother. Everybody has two names so the kid can choose whatever they prefer when they get to primary school.

Claiming ownership of a name is petty, especially if the other baby is going to be named when you child is still being produced. If you really want to be very original you need to dig deep, very deep into out of fashion names or make, one which is somewhat a bit more cringy.

chillin12 · 19/11/2023 18:41

MichelleScarn · 19/11/2023 09:47

These threads where pregnant women are told to put up with any form of behaviour from another person because of that person's experience is ridiculous.
I remember a thread where at her baby shower the op was told by a friend/colleague not to be too happy/excited about her baby as anything could happen up until birth, and posters were all 'oh poor woman, you need to be kind and think of her'!!

I agree with you. I remember that post! Surely, it’s unfair to behave rudely to someone because of your personal experience/envy/hurt, when it’s not the other persons fault whatsoever!

chillin12 · 19/11/2023 18:48

Asformending · 19/11/2023 03:27

I'd go with something different and just say you found one you both much preferred. I would have been put off straight away if anyone in the family was intending calling their baby by a similar name. All 5 of my children have unusual and therefore memorable names. Along the lines of Paloma, Fenella, Celandine, Primrose, Angelica, Octavia. If the name was ever in the top 100, I avoided it like the plague.

lmaoo this is hilarious. I get you though😅

Irridescantshimmmer · 19/11/2023 19:01

She sounds like a jealous cow.

Tell her to bug*er off and she'll find out the name after the baby is born but keep babies'name hidden until you announce the birth.

Its got sweet nothing to do with her when you became pregnant. She needs to sort her head out and stop making ridiculous demands.

Set some boundaries with her as she sounds like sge's not the sharpest tool in thr box.

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/11/2023 23:02

Can't believe this is even a question.

I would give my baby exactly the name I wanted and would also give zero fucks about what anyone thought of it.

Asformending · 20/11/2023 10:33

CheekyHobson · 19/11/2023 04:43

LOL aren’t you special!

Show quote history

LOL aren’t you special!

My children (now adults) certainly feel they are (and why not) as their names are individual which they love and have never expressed wanting to change even when small. Only a few have met other children with the same name. Primrose as a name was very popular in 18/19th century. Celandine, also a flower was once popular in USA/Canada. Octavia from the Latin meaning '8th', very popular in Roman royal families and Victorian times.

It was often a discussion around the dining table with sorry expressed for children whose parents seemed to lack imagination by defaulting to the more popular names, with several called (for example) 'Peter' or 'Jane' in a class at school.

None were ever ridiculed/bullied by other children for having unusual names. It appears it was only ever adults that had an issue with individualism and as my 7yr old DD noted she had to constantly remind a teacher how to correctly spell her name.

I'm not suggesting for one minute OP should acquiesce to SIL's request merely suggested an alternative solution when there are millions of names out there to choose from.

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