SIL has told me I can't give my baby a certain name because I "didn't try" for my baby and she has been trying for years

[Dramatic]

So me and SIL are both pregnant. She is due around a month after me. I have two daughters already and she has a 4 year old son.

She has been trying for a baby since her son was about a year old, she's had two miscarriages (I had a miscarriage between my two daughters so I understand how painful it can be and I've always been very supportive with her)

When I fell pregnant this time we hadn't been trying and it was a bit of an "accident" for want of a better word. We found out at a similar time but it turns out I'm further along than I thought, she became instantly frosty towards me and outright told me I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her. I tried to just ignore this and put it down to her still being upset about the previous miscarriages etc.

However, we were discussing names recently and I said I was thinking of calling my baby a name and she straight away said "no you can't do that because I'm calling mine X" she then followed up by saying I should let her have first choice because she tried so hard for her baby and I didn't try at all. For context the names are very similar , think Georgie and Georgia (not the actual names)

AIBU to be really annoyed about what she's insinuating here, almost like my baby isn't wanted so I should give up the name I love?

I hate the whole 'My baby is more loved/special than yours because of previous suffering/waiting' game. It benefits nobody.
Personally, I'd keep the name you love. Any further communication on it, I'd say "We are waiting until the baby arrives to see what name they suit" then call them whatever you want!

OP clearly said she doesn't want DH to go in all guns blazing. It sounds like you're ticking her off.

This^
very wise approach. I wouldn’t share any plans about baby with her e.g name, layout of your nursery, potential godparents, choice of toys etc etc,
It’s nothing about your child being unloved and everything about your SIL being mentally unstable because of her difficulties.

Do you definitely both know what you're having then?

Lots of people in families have the same name (The Royals?!!!), its crap that she is making your feel guilty. Name your child what you want, in the grand scheme of things... no-one will actually care.

She’s being unreasonable. Does it matter to you if the cousins have similar names? It wouldn’t bother me. Use the name you have decided on. It’s nothing to do with her and she doesn’t get to choose your child’s name.

The “stealing her limelight” comment is unreasonable as well. Does she have form for this kind of silliness?

Has she ever mentioned this name before?

I disagree with this approach. It is only designed to keep the peace not deal with the problem.

If you SIL is having experiencing mental distress about her miscarriages that is crossing over into dictating how other people behave in their lives then, that is her issue to sort out.

When you have a mental health disorder; empathy from others is important, but this approach is showing her as she is distressed it is permissable for her to have unreasonable expectations of others (and for her to say disrespectful things).

If you decide to change the babys name based purely on what she said, you will at some point feel resentment when everyone is saying what a lovely name her daughter has.

Her emotions are her problem to manage, not yours.

She might have had the name picked out for one of the children she lost and is using it now, so it could be incredibly emotive for her. You sound lovely OP for considering that she might be reacting out of hurt and taking that into account, rather than just going with "fuck off" as some people suggest. Although you wouldn't be unreasonable really to stick with the one you've chosen, in the circumstances I would try and choose another name.

I had 3 mcs before my dds but I still think saying "no you can't" at a name someone says they picked is silly

My OH gave my top baby name to his sister when I was pregnant = in a don't use this - and she used a very similar name

But what if they were already planning on using it? It’s just what it is when someone else is due first.

I really think that the two girl cousins will love the similar shared names and will have a lot of fun at some point playing games w/ their similarities (like tricking others!), but only if the parents act like adults about it. Clearly, your SIL is struggling to be the adult here. I'm not sure if she wants to be mature, though. Of course infertility and miscarriages are awful and can mess w/ your head, but taking action and trying to control others like she has isn't a healthy way of dealing w/ loss. It will only reinforce her poor mental health. Someone needs to gently tell her that she IBU. Probably not your DH or you.

Go ahead and name your daughter the name you chose, but don't engage with her about it. Frankly, it's not healthy for her to be affirmed in her unreasonable demands. Your soon-to-be DD's name belongs to DD as much as your SIL's chosen name will belong to her DD. Good luck!

Have whatever name you like OP
People shouldn’t be dictated what you call your child. You and your child will be living with this choice for ever.
I note you have not told your SIL she can’t chose the name she has chosen, why, because you don’t sound unreasonable.

Don’t worry about it. For what it’s worth many families have cousins with the same name, it’s really not unusual.

She's being ridiculous. Whoever has their baby first gets first pick of names. That's just how it is. I'd laugh at her. 🤣🤣🤣

My own children are more special to me than my nieces/nephews and so I’d choose the name I wanted for MY children. Her previous losses are her previous losses and may make her baby more special to her but I’m also fed up of the ‘my baby is more special because we struggled to have it’ that some posters have suggested. It wouldn’t make her baby more special than my own, whose name I have to use daily. She’s acting like her baby deserves the name more and it’s just batshit. The limelight comment is unhinged. Again, her baby is special to her but your own baby is obviously more important to you because it’s yours.

What next? Her child gets a more special 1st birthday because it’s her first and she had losses? It will never end if you don’t nip it in the bud.

I know it's not the same, but my little sister (there's a whole story here but she's not good people) got pregnant before me. All I thought when I found out, was that it wasn't fair and I deserved it more. Her child/pregnancy had no impact on my life, but man did it feel like it at the time. The jealousy over it was ridiculous.

When you announced the name to her, she no doubt thought "if I had been able to stay pregnant, that name would have been mine".

I do suggest talking to her about it. Telling her you're still using the name (if you are going to) and that you absolutely don't mind if she calls her daughter the same/similar name, that you're looking forward to raising the kiddos together.

Good luck!

I agree - do what you want to do with the name and set kindly expressed but firm boundaries (for the name and in general). The limelight comment is a bad sign.

I'd go with something different and just say you found one you both much preferred. I would have been put off straight away if anyone in the family was intending calling their baby by a similar name. All 5 of my children have unusual and therefore memorable names. Along the lines of Paloma, Fenella, Celandine, Primrose, Angelica, Octavia. If the name was ever in the top 100, I avoided it like the plague.

Why should she? Not all of us want our children to have odd or unusual names.

She’s mental.

Surely she realises that the quickest way to make sure you are never in the ‘limelight’ again in your life is to have two or more children?
I know that’s not the point of the thread. But she does sound very silly.

Sadly I don't think your kids will get to have a good relationship growing up because this batshit woman will always find a reason to fall out with you.

Cardinal rule is - don't ever discuss baby names!! My parents had a name chosen in honour of a family member and my mother stupidly told a 'friend' who was also pregnant. Friend's baby was born first, and lo and behold, you can guess what the name was!

I'd choose another name and don't tell her. The name will be forever tainted by her bullshit if you do use it.

Just remember though, you will never keep this type of woman happy. I gave up on my selfish SIL (and selfish sister, come to that!) years ago. If you don't expect anything, then you will never be disappointed.

And FGS don't tell anyone the name you chose!!! My DB got a much nicer name than the so-called friend's child, but sadly my parents lost him at just over a week old.

I had two miscarriages between DC2 and DC3. I didn't ever think that gave me ownership of any name, or that my (eventual) DC3 was more loved than babies whose mothers hadn't had previous m/c! That's just crazy.

LOL aren’t you special!

And I can't abide makey-uppy , 'out there' names.

Do your views trump mine?

I do hope you haven't chosen such off-the-wall names as to make your children the target of bullies.

PS also don't ever let on to the world in general that your baby was an 'accident', aka 'happy surprise'!! You don't want anyone telling your child in the future!