SIL has told me I can't give my baby a certain name because I "didn't try" for my baby and she has been trying for years

[Dramatic]

So me and SIL are both pregnant. She is due around a month after me. I have two daughters already and she has a 4 year old son.

She has been trying for a baby since her son was about a year old, she's had two miscarriages (I had a miscarriage between my two daughters so I understand how painful it can be and I've always been very supportive with her)

When I fell pregnant this time we hadn't been trying and it was a bit of an "accident" for want of a better word. We found out at a similar time but it turns out I'm further along than I thought, she became instantly frosty towards me and outright told me I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her. I tried to just ignore this and put it down to her still being upset about the previous miscarriages etc.

However, we were discussing names recently and I said I was thinking of calling my baby a name and she straight away said "no you can't do that because I'm calling mine X" she then followed up by saying I should let her have first choice because she tried so hard for her baby and I didn't try at all. For context the names are very similar , think Georgie and Georgia (not the actual names)

AIBU to be really annoyed about what she's insinuating here, almost like my baby isn't wanted so I should give up the name I love?

She sounds deranged. Your baby, your name choice. Tell her straight.

I never understand why names are discussed like this. It's like no one's ever read MN before 🙄

There is a lot of nastiness towards the SIL here and I can see why. Seems pretty unreasonable of her. All I can say is that trying for SO long to have a baby can be soul destroying and changes you in ways you don't even understand yourself. Especially with miscarriages thrown in the mix.
It's not a case of her M/C trumps your M/C, but that that whole journey really can be a mind fuck.

Because I understand that, I'd choose another name. With no fuss, no conflict whether I liked her or not. I wouldn't try and point score with it, I'd let it go 🤷‍♀️

If you avoid a name only for her to not use the one she’d planned you would be so pissed off. I think refuse to discuss it again. Pick the name you want to on the birth certificate and you could always pick a nickname that’s slightly different to hers. Think Amelia on birth certificate Millie for everyday.

Your sil is being totally unreasonable and I say that as someone who had two miscarriages, tried for years for dc and eventually had to have ivf treatment to have my children. Don’t not choose the name to keep the piece with someone who is being so u reasonable- why should you? A) she might never end up having a baby and b) if she does she might change her mind and not want to use the name anyway.

This. I can't believe people even give this sort of nonsense a second thought. Call your baby whatever you want to and if you choose to go with the name your SIL wants, tough luck. She sounds like a entitled princess and those who pander to people like her are making rods for their own backs.

Do NOT pander to this nonsense.

What's next.. you can't have a 1st birthday cos it's "stealing" her baby's limelight.

And every other milestone...

You would be bonkers to give an inch here. Giving her the name actually demotes your baby in her crazy immature ridiculous mind.

@CJsGoldfish So well put.

One of my close friends got pregnant after we'd been trying for 3 years. Named her DD the name we'd had in mind. It was like a double kick in the guts. It's not jealousy. It's just like every pregnancy announcement, especially accidental ones, accentuate your own sadness.

If it's not the same name what's her problem, tell her to sod off.

You already have two daughters so it's clearly not your favourite name or even your second favourite, for her it is.

Why? Incase someone is offended?

I loved talking names with my friends. It shouldn’t be a case of upsetting someone. I would never have chosen my oldest daughter’s name without a chat with my pregnant friend.

Just ensure your baby is due first!

The only time someone can call dibs on a name is when the child has died. That would be the only circumstance that would be appropriate not to use the name. Thankfully that’s not the case so take no notice.

Do whats right for you.

She's the type of person who will always have something she doesn't like and you can't please.

Don't be a people pleaser. She will get over it. If she doesn't she just proves what an immature madam she is.

It’s just as difficult to find a name you love as much as the first name/s. I’d go as far to say no person gets a say in the name of the child you carry and give birth to. Why anyone is so entitled to think they are is laughable.

It doesn't matter if she's sad, struggling or having u reasonable feelings.

Toddlers have all of that and we don't give into their every tantrum.

She can be told No Nicely. But that doesn't change the outcome.

As she isn't a toddler but a full grown woman she should the use the tools she should've gained through life to manage and conduct herself in an appropriate manner and suck it up.

Any failure to do that is a failure on her. And any loss of relationship due to this is also a failure on her.

Use the name you each choose. The dc won't mind.

No matter what she's been through, your sister in law is absolutely wrong to be so dismissive of you & your pregnancy. And she has no right to dictate to you either. She has been incredibly rude.

If this is the name you and your husband have been decided on for months, go ahead and use it.

Best wishes! X

A name can't belong to a baby any more than you can let someone have a name, can't believe the nonsense some people live with.by

Call your baby what you want.

We have two Charlie's in our family and no one cares because what we name our children is our business.

Name your child whatever you want to.

She needs to grow up. I wouldn't entertain this nonsense at all, I would tell her that choosing a baby name is private and you won't be discussing it with her.

Call your baby the name you love, don't feel guilty and practise your grey rock technique.

You must use the name you want to.

I've seen so many stories like this where the woman in your position doesn't use the name they really want as it was 'someone else's' name then the someone else doesn't even use the name but had lots of control over what the first baby was named.

Then woman in your position is really angry and annoyed they chose a name they didn't really want or was second choice.

This is INSANE. The name picked out for my baby by my husband and I is the name WE have picked out as being our top choice for our next child. My other children’s names don’t mean my next child’s name isn’t as important or that I don’t like it as much. What a pathetic and childish view! This being OPs 3rd baby does NOT make this child any less loved or wanted.

I would not change the name we have picked out for my Feb baby if my SIL asked me to. If they are that bothered then they can can change their name choice cant they. Because trust me, if they liked a name enough they wouldn’t care what other people were calling their child!

My baby has had their name chosen since I was 12 weeks and I would NOT be having anyone telling me to change it now.

It doesn't have to be either/or. There's a perfectly reasonable middle road where you politely tell your SIL that you've talked about it and you understand where she's coming from, but you've had this name in mind for some time and you're going to stick with it. If she wants to stick with her name too, you think it's quite possible the cousins will grow up loving the similarity.

If she wants to let that 'ruin the relationship', that's her choice; a ridiculous, sad and selfish outcome (and by no means necessary – she could grow up and take a positive view of the situation too) but not one that you should try to avoid by appeasing her over-entitled and frankly insulting demand.

The fact is that given you're dealing with someone who sees pregnancies in terms of 'limelight' and baby name priority as something to be 'earned' through tragedy. She's irrational, self-centred and unreasonable. You're likely to have years of drama with her in your future regardless of what you do about this name. So just do what you want to, but be dignified about it.

Are you both definitely having girls @Dramatic ?

im guessing Lily and Lila or something like that

They are not totally different 🤣