SIL has told me I can't give my baby a certain name because I "didn't try" for my baby and she has been trying for years

[Dramatic]

So me and SIL are both pregnant. She is due around a month after me. I have two daughters already and she has a 4 year old son.

She has been trying for a baby since her son was about a year old, she's had two miscarriages (I had a miscarriage between my two daughters so I understand how painful it can be and I've always been very supportive with her)

When I fell pregnant this time we hadn't been trying and it was a bit of an "accident" for want of a better word. We found out at a similar time but it turns out I'm further along than I thought, she became instantly frosty towards me and outright told me I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her. I tried to just ignore this and put it down to her still being upset about the previous miscarriages etc.

However, we were discussing names recently and I said I was thinking of calling my baby a name and she straight away said "no you can't do that because I'm calling mine X" she then followed up by saying I should let her have first choice because she tried so hard for her baby and I didn't try at all. For context the names are very similar , think Georgie and Georgia (not the actual names)

AIBU to be really annoyed about what she's insinuating here, almost like my baby isn't wanted so I should give up the name I love?

Bottom line question: are you using the name already? DS was never “bean” or the “peanut”, if when you talk about your baby you refer to him by the actual name, that name is already theirs.

Brilliant 🤩

This.
It could end up being the classic 'give an inch" sil wants her dd to be the ballet princess, your daughter can't do it. Sil wants her dd to have all the firsts with gps, you have to be avoided/lie low to appease.

I don’t think she’s insinuating what you say she is. It’s a bit harsh jumping to that conclusions.

She’s unreasonable trying stop you from naming your child whatever you want. Doesn’t matter what went before. You just don’t do that (although Harry & Meghan naming their DD Lilibet was quite shocking imo!).

I’d say nothing more. Let her calm down. Don’t raise it again. If she raises it again, just repeat that you’re going to name your child the name you’ve chosen. You don’t have to justify or even explain it. She’s out of order, period.

Say you use a different name and you fall out anyway as she won and carries on with forbidding you.

Plus what is this ‘try’ business, why does that make her more deserving? That’s like saying you passed you driving test first time instead of her managing it after 6 attempts, that’s her problem, it’s literally nothing to do with you nor your fault.

Don’t talk about it any further and name your baby what feels right when they’re born. It may change anyway, I was dead set on a name and then it just didn’t feel right when I used it! Soon found a different name that felt right.

Completely agree. Miscarriage top trumps. Appalling. What if OP’s was second trimester and SIL’s were both first? Does OP then ‘win’?

‘Never discuss baby names’

@wokbun Agree wholeheartedly.

I think if it was the exact same name that would be different. But as they're slightly different, go with it!! The name we wanted for my ds, when he came out, that name just didn't feel right, so we changed it anyway!

Are you both having girls?

She sounds batshit.
Ignore her.
Use the name.
The calling your imaginary pet by that name is genius.

@Dramatic
The notion of owning a name is nonsense. The notion that she is entitled to some special consideration because it took he longer to become pregnant is also nonsense. Tell her that the baby should be thunder enough.

Sometimes, it is actually amazing the amount of nonsense that reasonably intelligent people can spew.

pay no heed.
she is disturbed about her own issues.
don't discuss it further, with anyone.
call the child whatever you and your husband decide.
don't change it to fit in with someone else.
you are parents, it's your decision.
just announce it when appropriate, after the birth.
don't make a row.
you don't need anyone's permission.
keep your dignity.
all the best.

YANBU use whichever name you prefer for your child and stop discussing names for babies.

My sister and cousin are close in age and have very similar names (only ending letters different). It’s always accentuated the bond between them, rather than cause issues. They are now in their thirties.

😂 lol!

SIL is batshit. And so is anyone else justifying her batshit reasoning. Newsflash: You can name your child WHATEVER you please!

THIS. As someone who had struggled with secondary infertility and had best friends accidentally get pregnant whilst I struggled.. I can understand where your SIL is coming from.
It's hard to explain because it kind of is irrational and unreasonable, but it's just a feeling you can't shake.

I told everyone that Ds2 was going to be called Ogbert. No one claimed it as their own 😅

Yes you were foolish to discuss names but it’s done now. If the name is the one you want then use it. If SIL really wants the similar name she can still use it, there is no reason why cousins can’t have similar names. On both sides of my family there are cousins with the same first name (on one side they also share the same surname, people just refer to the parent’s name if context doesn’t make it clear which one).

If this is out of character I would let it go, it sounds like she has been through a lot and still raw. People probably have feelings like her, they probably just don’t say them out loud. As in her feelings are logical to her, this pregnancy for her was long-awaited and yours was ‘effortless’, I can see why she feels as she does. But most people wouldn’t say that, especially not to the subject of their envy.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and don’t stress about this. It has just worked out in our family a few little sets of cousins around the same age and it’s really nice to see.

As an aside in the country I live in now people announce the name well before the birth, it blows my mind as in my family there is usually a shortlist but no name actually chosen until the baby is born and see what suits it.

The names are NOT the same. Op mentioned a name she loved. SIL says she can’t use it.

Op can name her child whatever the heck she so pleases. Can’t believe you people making excuses.

Nope if you have a name in mind no-one else gets to decide or dictate if you can use it. She can bugger off. If someone said that to me I would absolutely use the name!

" I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her."

Not sure how that is your fault, it's not like you hopped in a time machine when you heard she was pregnant so you could get there first.

My daughter has a similar name to my niece and it’s never been an issue… actually I didn't noticed how similar they were which is so strange 😂 my brother had his daughter 1st and name I picked .. well my ex picked - I wasn’t even keen on but he wanted it so much.

Anyway it’s never been an issue and my brother was a bit annoyed at 1st saying they would be called the same nickname, which they never ever was either of them,

All worked out in the end.

You’ve got an issue with letting others be unkind to you because you are nice. I’ve known people who have had issues with pregnancy and fertility. None have them have been unkind to my face with the fact I’ve been very lucky. No excuses for her, get a back bone (I mean this in the best way possible) be offended by what she said and wait for her to apologise. Or at least never mention it again.

Agree completely!

However, when I was pregnant the world and her dog spent serious time and effort trying to winkle my name out of me.

OP, you're learning the hard way that a mother's place is in the wrong. Since you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you might as well do what you want.

The sooner you learn this, the happier you'll be.