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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL has told me I can't give my baby a certain name because I "didn't try" for my baby and she has been trying for years

214 replies

Dramatic · 18/11/2023 21:22

So me and SIL are both pregnant. She is due around a month after me. I have two daughters already and she has a 4 year old son.

She has been trying for a baby since her son was about a year old, she's had two miscarriages (I had a miscarriage between my two daughters so I understand how painful it can be and I've always been very supportive with her)

When I fell pregnant this time we hadn't been trying and it was a bit of an "accident" for want of a better word. We found out at a similar time but it turns out I'm further along than I thought, she became instantly frosty towards me and outright told me I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her. I tried to just ignore this and put it down to her still being upset about the previous miscarriages etc.

However, we were discussing names recently and I said I was thinking of calling my baby a name and she straight away said "no you can't do that because I'm calling mine X" she then followed up by saying I should let her have first choice because she tried so hard for her baby and I didn't try at all. For context the names are very similar , think Georgie and Georgia (not the actual names)

AIBU to be really annoyed about what she's insinuating here, almost like my baby isn't wanted so I should give up the name I love?

OP posts:
Mystro202 · 19/11/2023 04:56

Tell her you've now changed your mind and it's between two. Pick two random popular names and I bet she'll change her mind from the first name because it's no longer "in demand". She's just being precious and jealous.

BonneMaman77 · 19/11/2023 05:05

Give your child the name you chose for her. It is for no one but the parents to name their child.

If she does challenges you later, then say to her that you thought she must have been joking about telling you what you can and can’t name your child.

Also, her brother, your husband, can tell her that it’s the name he chose to for his baby. I wouldn’t bring it up to discuss with her it could become more than what it should be.

floranginajelly · 19/11/2023 05:17

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/11/2023 22:15

The girls will probably like it. Annie and Anna? Olive and Olivia? It'll be fun for them.

This

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 19/11/2023 05:53

You call your baby whatever you want to! She’s just as likely to change her mind once her baby’s born then you would have missed out on using your favourite name.

Kinsters · 19/11/2023 05:59

Not particularly helpful now but if you're set on a particular name then it's fine/a good idea to call the baby that before they're born. With DD we weren't sure so we didn't tell anyone any names. With DS we knew right away what he'd be called so we just referred to him as that pretty much as soon as we knew he was a boy. Both work well to head off any name disagreements!

sollenwir · 19/11/2023 06:03

Well, it was a bad idea to discuss names to start with, however now you have....she has no right to tell you, or anyone, what they can or cannot call their child (and you need to make that clear to her).

rainbowstardrops · 19/11/2023 06:40

If the names are only similar and not exactly identical then I think it's absolutely fine and your SIL can't dictate that you can't use the name you've chosen.

Mothership4two · 19/11/2023 06:44

wokbun · 18/11/2023 21:23

Never discuss baby names

^^ this

No-one has dibs on baby names

MyCircumference · 19/11/2023 06:54

they can have the same names, even if they are cousins

IAmAnIdiot123 · 19/11/2023 07:09

Future tip, which has worked brilliantly for me through my pregnancies, if anyone asks, you have no idea what you're naming the baby.

Mikimoto · 19/11/2023 07:12

She could have completely invented the Georgie/Georgia "problem" on the spot.
If it comes up again, just smile sweetly and say "great minds..." / "fun for the kids", etc.

DustyLee123 · 19/11/2023 07:12

I had this, a SIL telling me that I couldn’t use a certain male family name. Yet she’d had a boy and hadn’t used it, and she wasn’t even pregnant again yet!
I wouldn’t mind, but we had no intention of using that name.

nibblessquibbles · 19/11/2023 07:17

Dramatic · 18/11/2023 22:14

Yeah I do understand this which is one of the reasons why I didn't start an argument with her when she said it and one of the reasons why I'm unsure how reasonable/unreasonable I am to feel this way.

Show quote history

If her baby was born first and she gave it the name, would you be happy to continue with naming yours that name, being the same/similar?

If the answer is no, then maybe think how she must feel. She's been planning this baby a long time and maybe this name is what she's planned all this time too. In her head she's named 3 babies with this name and it may be quite special to her. If you've swooped in suddenly with a baby that is going to arrive before hers and with the same name, I can understand she may feel disappointed. Her reaction was a bit off and also rationale but it may have seemed quite raw to her.

If you are happy for your kids to grow up with such similar names being close knit cousins then I guess it may be hard for you to understand why she's reacting this way as you are fine with it.

Maybe just have a think about alternative names and see if there's another that you do like? This name may have lost its gloss for both you now. Or perhaps give it as a middle name and think of a new first name?

Mikimoto · 19/11/2023 07:19

Actually, I'd go further and call my child Gorgeous George the First!!

FreyaW · 19/11/2023 07:27

Oh I don't know.
Do what you and your partner want..it's not a subject for anyone else to have a say.
But I will say, had names picked for my 3 and ended up giving all 3 of them different names because when I saw the babies, the names just didn't seem to suit. 🤷‍♀️

kittyycatt · 19/11/2023 07:30

With my eldest, I was discussing names with my not pregnant sister and she said we can't use X because she wanted it. Stupidly I said okay, we'll find something else. Guess who then didn't use or consider the name when they had a child 4 years later!
I would use the name.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 19/11/2023 07:42

wokbun · 18/11/2023 21:23

Never discuss baby names

This ^

No good comes of it

Passepartoute · 19/11/2023 07:59

Presumably it isn't a name you love that much, though, otherwise you'd have used it for one of your older daughters?

Thingamebobwotsit · 19/11/2023 08:09

@Dramatic do you have more than one name on your list? If so, then I would put this to one side and make a final decision when your beautiful baby arrives. Once you have seen your baby you will know what the right name is for them. We had three on the list for each of ours (we were very indecisive in our household) and the babies ultimately "chose their own" - some names just didn't seem to suit them once they were out, so to speak. No idea why. Might just have been the hormones on my part but it worked well as a method for us 😁

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 19/11/2023 08:14

wokbun · 18/11/2023 21:23

Never discuss baby names

Wise advice!

user1471538283 · 19/11/2023 08:19

Use the name you want!

I've got a distant cousin with the same name as me that was deliberately chosen because they loved my name. It's never been a problem.

If she's so precious now about the name she's in for a shock at school when she finds out there are at least two others with the same name!

ACynicalDad · 19/11/2023 08:21

Do you live really close, how much will the kids see each other, we see our cousins 3 times a year max, it really wouldn’t matter if the names were the same, so if they are a bit different who cares? Call out what you want and she can too. More consequential if kids in your kids class share a name and they cope.

Roselilly36 · 19/11/2023 08:25

Just ridiculous, no one owns the name. I wouldn’t have any further discussion re names.

LAMPS1 · 19/11/2023 08:27

Now that you are at this impasse, I would encourage your DH to have a decent conversation with his sister where he really listens to her reasons and gets a chance to tell her what he thinks too (without losing his temper)
Or it may be better that all four parents can sensibly talk together about it given that both mums are upset about it. Maybe SIL hasn't even discussed it with her partner, maybe he isn’t even that fond of the name.

A conversation might reveal an easy solution which is satisfactory to you all.
Eg, If the two names are spelled and pronounced slightly differently anyway, the emerging two very different baby characters will somehow give credence to that little bit of individuality in their names, highlighting them as very different in others’ minds within a short time after birth.

I really wouldn’t want to easily roll over and give up on the name that myself and my DH were set on throughout my pregnancy. But I do understand your discomfort especially if the two little cousins will be close.

Your SIL is very unreasonable to have the righteous expectation you will give way and conform to her wishes, especially as she is basing her reasoning on the fact she’s had more miscarriages than you and you didn’t have to ‘try’ which is nonsense ….each of the babies is a blessing.
I really hope you can resolve this quickly at what should be a happy time of looking forward.

ElevenSeven · 19/11/2023 08:30

Still needs ignored, regardless

Theres no miscarriage top trumps either, to the person who said two is much worse, if that cancels OP’s experience out.