SIL has told me I can't give my baby a certain name because I "didn't try" for my baby and she has been trying for years

[Dramatic]

So me and SIL are both pregnant. She is due around a month after me. I have two daughters already and she has a 4 year old son.

She has been trying for a baby since her son was about a year old, she's had two miscarriages (I had a miscarriage between my two daughters so I understand how painful it can be and I've always been very supportive with her)

When I fell pregnant this time we hadn't been trying and it was a bit of an "accident" for want of a better word. We found out at a similar time but it turns out I'm further along than I thought, she became instantly frosty towards me and outright told me I'd "stolen her limelight" because I'd got pregnant just before her. I tried to just ignore this and put it down to her still being upset about the previous miscarriages etc.

However, we were discussing names recently and I said I was thinking of calling my baby a name and she straight away said "no you can't do that because I'm calling mine X" she then followed up by saying I should let her have first choice because she tried so hard for her baby and I didn't try at all. For context the names are very similar , think Georgie and Georgia (not the actual names)

AIBU to be really annoyed about what she's insinuating here, almost like my baby isn't wanted so I should give up the name I love?

I think she’s just being deliberately difficult. If you don’t use the name you want I would bet she then decides to not use it either but is not going to tell you. If you do use the name, she will still go in a huff. She probably would have done this with whatever name you said to make you feel guilty.

Don’t share details and i would step way back.

My sister called her baby boy the name my DH and I had always wanted for ours. It was the only name we loved, our DS now has a name we like but honestly I’m still a bit sad about it.

But that’s my problem, I didn’t own that name and your SIL doesn’t own any names. The first baby gets first pick of the names. It can be annoying for other people but it just is how it is.

This. The woman is behaving like a prick.

I think if she’s had this name in her mind for all the years she’s been trying, I can sort of see how she feels if suddenly she can’t use it because you were lucky enough to get pregnant so quickly and get in first.

Thats not your fault and you are perfectly entitled to use it yourself, but I can understand where she is coming from if that’s the name she’s been dreaming of for years.

If you like your sil, I’d choose another name because I would feel sorry for her. Ditto if I wouldn’t want the cousins to have similar names. But yanbu to use the name if you want to.

Just don't discuss it with her further and call your baby whatever you want. She can call hers whatever she wants. It's all bonkers, just ignore and carry on.

You are not unreasonable but if you don't care that much about the name you should try to change.
Or discuss it further with her with an open mind. It does look like she is projecting her years of anxiety and stress on the name, maybe she had picked it years ago etc. She is unreasonable and the names aren't the same, but if you do get along otherwise it would a shame to ruin your relationship over this.

@MeMySonAnd1 Jesus! So what if they get the same name? Half of my cousins have my grandmother’s name and all the boys on the other side of the family have the same name or close variations of my grandfather’s name. I can assure you we never get confused about who is who.

Unless you only have 2 girl cousins with the same first name and only a couple of male relatives with the same first name, how is this not confusing?

OP, use the name you love. Your child will be born first anyway. Also, how are you stealing attention? Neither of you are pregnant with your first born.

She sounds batshit and there are always going to be issues with her.

Worst thing you could do is allow her to think you will tolerate her telling you what you can and cannot do.

Accept the children will not be close because she is batshit and everything else will be a bonus.

She will likely weaponise the children.

You were so foolish mentioning names with her when you know what she's like, but at least learn from it.

Use the name if you like but far more important IMO is that you really get how controlling and batshit she is, and give her a wide berth going forward.

Poor little Celandine. 😬

She can’t tell you not to give a baby a certain name but if it had special significance to her i would definitely have changed my name but if that was not the case here then you don’t have to. But, just the same if you name your child you can’t expect that she won’t use the similar name And you might feel aggrieved they sound similar. Up to you how strongly you feel about it.

I daresay she has had this name in mind for the past three years, since she started ttc when her son was one, and through both miscarriages.

And now, so close to the finish line as it were, she hears that you might use the name first, when you can't possibly have planned to use it until you found out about your unexpected pregnancy about 7 months ago, and only get first dibs due to the fact that your 'happy accident' is due four weeks before hers.

I think she worded it badly and unkindly and everyone is right - she can't claim a name, and you can call your baby any name you want.

But it does sometimes help in family disagreements to see the other person's perspective a bit, and I think I can understand why she was shocked and insensitive.

If there were other names on my list, I'd use one of them.

If this was the only name I loved, I'd use it but would take the time to talk it through. If she's still annoyed after that, that's her problem to deal with imo.

Absolutely agree with everything @billy1966 has put above especially Worst thing you could do is allow her to think you will tolerate her telling you what you can and cannot do. she is batshit.
And I can't believe all the posts telling you to acquiesce to her demands and 'think of her' especially when she's not thinking at all of the op and is being rather a bitch!
@nibblessquibbles If you've swooped in suddenly with a baby that is going to arrive before hers and with the same name, I can understand she may feel disappointed.
So you think that the op and her dh have purposely planned the conception by swooping in before the demanding sister's due date to steal the name?

This is a batshit thing for your SIL to request.

The thing with people who make batshit requests is that placating them and giving into them is a mug's game. Because even if you call your child something else, the nature of batshit people is that there'll be another batshit thing they take offence at coming down the pipeline soon. And before you know it you're twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to keep them happy.

Call your child what you want. If she gets in a huff about it, it doesn't matter, because she will get in a huff with you at some point whatever you do. You will certainly be better off with a bit of distance from her anyway.

Jealousy or envy from women who have struggled to get pregnant, when you have become pregnant easily, is not uncommon. I was very surprised when I experienced it. I think, in the interests of family harmony, you might reconsider the name you were thinking of, to avoid years of resentment from SIL.

Yes we've both had a few scans each confirming that they're both girls

Not to me, in fact the first name she mentioned a few months ago was a completely different name (which she is now apparently using as a middle name)

Tell her to fuck off

So 'in the interest of family harmony' is a one way thing is it? With op to do what ever she is demanded of? How long for and are there any limits??

@Iwasafool
These boys are both say Craig (not actual name) as an example, but not a name that can be shortened and people do find it odd, it's not a family name, no significance 🤷🏼‍♀️Of all the names in the world they both use the same one.

Short and true, I like it!

In your place I a) wouldn't discuss names with her again, even lightheartedly, and b) I would use the name I and DH wanted for our baby.

If she kicked off about that, I'd point out that you're not dictating what names she gives her baby, and to wind her neck in. There's no point in trying to placate her with her unreasonable demands. The fuss will die down.

These threads where pregnant women are told to put up with any form of behaviour from another person because of that person's experience is ridiculous.
I remember a thread where at her baby shower the op was told by a friend/colleague not to be too happy/excited about her baby as anything could happen up until birth, and posters were all 'oh poor woman, you need to be kind and think of her'!!

Why can’t the SIL be reasonable for the sake of family harmony? She can feel whatever she wants, jealousy is a feeling. What she can’t do is expect others to change their lives so she doesn’t feel jealous.

Don't compromise on you baby's name! That would be ridiculous. My DD and her cousin have v similar names like the examples here - it's a non issue .

Name your baby whatever you want. Imagine you changed the name because of her comment and then she chose a completely different name, likely to be spiteful. You will be gutted so just go with what you have chosen.