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Original poster

Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday

225 replies

Pinkyyogapanties · 18/11/2023 18:54

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Arkhamasylum · 19/11/2023 19:29

So, the next step in his bully’s armoury is passive aggression. What a wanker. I expect that if you apologised, he would forgive you eventually, but reluctantly enough so you’d know never to dare cross him again, so he can carry on with his catered holidays with free childcare from his cowed female relatives.

I’m not surprised that you feel uncomfortable as you’ve gone against all of your conditioning by standing up to him. Don’t you dare give in though! You’ve done the right thing. He sounds like one of those men who feels ‘alpha’ because he bullies women. He’s not. He’s just a ten a penny prick. And if anything, you’ve done him a favour letting him know that this is unacceptable.

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/11/2023 19:34

Can you ruin a relationship which is based on you always being the one who has to compromise in order to keep the peace?

It was a toxic situation for you.

Let him stew. If he wants to renew contact, then respond to it if you want to, but don't kick yourself for "breaking" the relationship, because it wasn't worth having anyway. Sticking up for yourself is never wrong.

BowlOfNoodles · 19/11/2023 19:43

Typo

MeandT · 19/11/2023 19:44

Overthinking it, much?

CameltoeParkerBowles · 19/11/2023 19:50

Pinkyyogapanties · 18/11/2023 20:01

When he heard his daughter cry - he came into the room and snapped at me and my mum for not supervising the children properly yet he was messing around on his laptop in another room. We were supervising but his daughter an only child struggles to share so was getting upset - we were of course monitoring all children . So brother scooped her up and marched her off. We aren’t there to babysit !! We never said we were babysitting !

He complained about the dinners which we cooked and one night stormed off with his wife and daughter for another meal as the food was taking too long . It was ridiculous.

He booked a boat trip for the middle of the afternoon and demanded my parents went along to take pictures of him and his family on the boat . So they had to cancel the plans they had made to help me . He expected them to be there and lectured them until they agreed.

He constantly walked off and said everyone else was disorganized and wasting time . I think they words he used was ‘incompetent ’

When I said cost of living was hitting people and it was a reason that I would not be having more children he told me that I should get a better job than a nurse . I said -
someone has to be a nurse . I am proud of my role . He laughed and said i earn chump change .

lastly , he said women now think the my have rights !

Im just fed up of him. I’m not saying these comments are awful but after years of utter rudeness I’ve had enough .

Unless he has some fantastic redeeming features that you have forgotten to mention, he sounds like an utter cunt. Enjoy not having him in your life any more. You will save yourself a lot of stress.

bananablues · 19/11/2023 19:52

Good for you and I am not sure you will be missing out on much tbh. It sounds like this has been a long time coming - a typical mother's boy who has turned in a toxic Alpha male (who has little respect for his mother or women in general).

billy1966 · 19/11/2023 19:58

Your brother is a vile nasty bully.

Your husband early has the measure of him.
He adds nothing to your life, yet you persist.
So what if the cousins don't see each other, that's on him and his foul behaviour.

Don't EVER go on holiday with him again.
Don't EVER allow him visit your house again.
Don't EVER visit your mother again when he is there.

Don't allow your mother to be his flying monkey either.
She has allowed him to grow up to be a nasty bully unchallenged.
Thats on her.

Tell your mother you don't care if you never see him again.
You shouldn't have your children around anyone so vile, who would speak to you like that.

Get some counselling to figure out why you would persist with this fruitless relationship?

Towwanthustice · 19/11/2023 20:02

I haven't spoke to my sister in 12 years.
She's an arsehole, lying biatch
No love lost there.
We had to get in touch recently (family death). Still no remorse or sorry from her. In fact she thinks its all brushed under the carpet.
That's toxic and I dont care if she's family.
Far too much stress to have toxic people in your life imo

Ger1atricMillennial · 19/11/2023 20:15

Sounds like you need a break from him OP. If I was in your situation, I would block him for 6 months and let your parents know you are taking a break. Then you can truly assess how you feel in May and whether its worth the stress. In a perfect world it would be great if we all got a long with our siblings, but it isn't reality.

Blanc4 · 19/11/2023 20:31

Well done on standing up for yourself
life is too short
if you don’t enjoy holidays with him you’ve done the right thing and won’t have to go again
as for contact I’d leave it for a while

brokenhearted2 · 19/11/2023 20:49

If your relationship is reliant on you being treated poorly then it's not a relationship worth having.

StaunchMomma · 19/11/2023 20:54

It sounds like you are paying the price of your whole family pandering to him for so long.

He sounds like an utter arsehole, OP.

I certainly wouldn't be going on another holiday with him and I'd be encouraging your Mum to finally stand up for herself, too. Don't bother messaging him or trying to make up, he will be expecting that AND for you to apologise to him, even though you have nothing to apologise for.

In reality, you didn't even 'stand up' to him - you just stated your opinion. If that's enough to cause all of this drama then FFS cut him loose and live a happier life without him in it!

Swimaway9 · 19/11/2023 21:27

What dredful behaviour, its no wonder your taking a stand on this. I also have what I'd describe as a fiery brother. The difference is he can also be very caring so you never know what your going to get. OP to me your brother sounds like he is generally very stressed resulting in him letting off steam inappropriately. If you are really happier without him in your life that's for you to judge especially as we don't know the whole story. If its going to worry you then perhaps it would be an idea to get in touch and have a serious chat. If he wants a relationship he will be receptive. If he doesn't care at least you would know for definite.

minipie · 19/11/2023 21:38

You will feel so much better OP if you keep him very much at arm’s length.

Glad your DH sees the truth and sounds like he supports you.

Justsu · 19/11/2023 23:13

Oh no YANBU believe me. It’s assumed that siblings get long once we reach adulthood, but it isn’t necessarily so. My DS is five years older than me and I know she can’t stand me for anything but short periods. She doesn’t get on with DH, resents the close relationship I have with my DS (she doesn’t have DC). We try to brush along on family occasions, but there’s no love lost between us really.
perhaps you could accept that you’d rather not spend holidays with your DB and simply move on.

Grrrrdarling · 20/11/2023 01:01

Pinkyyogapanties · 18/11/2023 18:54

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

Sounds like your DB is an emotionally abusive narcissist & he’s been that way for so long that you feel guilty calling him out! Tell him he behaves like a massive twat & leave him to it!!
You owe him nothing!!!

SnozPoz · 20/11/2023 04:04

He's waiting for you to capitulate... do not.

Elfblossom · 20/11/2023 10:11

I read your post @Pinkyyogapanties and thought of this illustration, that an artist I follow, posted recently.

I once cut my parents out of my life and it was the right thing to do, especially for my children.

Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday
pollymere · 20/11/2023 10:51

Your B wants to have emotional control over you. He's making you feel bad and you're not even in contact! Why should he bully you into something you don't enjoy?

I'm sure you'll meet up at some point over Christmas or NY so just go as if everything is the same. I often go for periods without talking to my brother and I get on with him most of the time!

Tessasanderson · 20/11/2023 12:39

Truth hurts.

Even when its pointed out to your DB he still acts like a spoilt brat. You have done the right thing. Let him stew and try not to let him bother you anymore

PotatoLove · 20/11/2023 14:02

He sounds like a complete twatwaffle. Two words, the second being off.

Maddy70 · 20/11/2023 14:31

You didn't say what he did ...it may hurt be a clash of personalities. Its OK to say you don't want to repeat it. But you don't need to fall out over it

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 20/11/2023 14:46

You should have been more specific, I think.

cruisebaba1 · 20/11/2023 14:52

My brother was like this for years, total mummies boy. Various things have happened over the years , and now my mother passed 2 years ago and have NC since then He was ruining my mental health, so now l am much happier. You don’t need people like this in your life. Good luck

AlinaSquareQueen · 20/11/2023 15:14

WhistlerWhispers · 18/11/2023 19:47

Don't kick yourself OP. Well done. You should be proud of yourself, he needed to be told. I suspect he will ignore it and carry on regardless as alpha bores like him usually ignore everything they don't want to hear. But that is not your problem. I would be telling DM what you told him too so she hears your side of it directly. If she says she doesn't like conflict, say that's fine but you won't be a doormat so she can avoid it. I hope you have a much nicer holiday next year.

I agree with the advice above, and most of the other replies on this thread are in agreement.

My Dsis is similar in that she will look for the tiniest window of opportunity to belittle me. I would gladly be NC with her, except our elderly DF is quite unwell and I know it would upset him if we fell out. Besides my DM and DF say ‘it’s just the way she is’, and they won’t take sides.

But you should be very proud of yourself, so don’t feel guilty!