Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday

[Pinkyyogapanties]

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

I don't think you should decide to cut a brother out of your life due to a terse text exchange. Maybe talk? I'm not saying your brother wasn't rude or isn't a difficult personality. Families aren't perfect but they are generally nice to have. People on Mumsnet are always offering the advice to cut people off but only you can consider the reverberating hurt and consequences that could cause to yourself and others. Perhaps more firm and clear expectations and boundaries and then the ball is in his court. Just my two cents

My brother was exactly like your brother - just a bastard to me at every opportunity.
I asked him over and over what it was that I did to deserve such awful treatment, but he’d never tell me. He laughed in my face.
Then one day, my sister was blabbing away and she let slip that she’d lied to him about me— she didn’t even realize she’d revealed herself. That’s what happens when you forget what lies you’ve told.
Be careful who your friends are, @Pinkyyogapanties— your own family could be trying to sabotage you.

Yeah just allow him to cut all ties. It will only be detrimental to you and more importantly your children to spend any time around him

Your brother is toxic.
Well done for standing up for yourself, now stay firm.

You actually have no relationship with your DB. He may be the reason for your low self esteem.
Pls don't listen to your DM, ignoring his awful behaviour is what she's done and hence why he thinks its OK to behave the way he does. He is an AH.

Your DH sounds sensible. Follow his lead and stay away, you will feel so much better

Good luck

Family isn’t diplomatic immunity. A grown adult shouldn’t need to be taught to treat his sister with basic respect and decency.

Her brother caused the situation with his behaviour. It’s not @Pinkyyogapanties responsibility to make things better. It’s completely his. Any upset from him FINALLY having consequences for his crap behaviour is also his.

When a kid is bullied on a playground, or a wife is battered by a spouse or a child is verbally abused by a parent, it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility to make it better, or to keep suffering so others aren’t upset.

"It’s not @Pinkyyogapanties responsibility to make things better."

Well that may be true certainly but a world where everyone held fast to this view would be a very lonely one for many IMO. Hardly a wild suggestion to think a real conversation with someone OP has known her entire life might be appropriate.

It sounds like your parents (and you until now) have been enabling his behaviour and not calling him out on it. If anyone asks you can spell out all the shit he does. Why are your Mother and you the only ones cooking? How is that a good example to set your children. He will never accept his behaviour so just don't go next time and let his parents be his skivvies.

Perhaps you missed the part where her brother isn’t talking to her? HE’S in a snit because she dared to say she didn’t like the way he treated her.

It’s absolutely not on her to chase him

You have been so crushed (by him and your mum who didn’t stick up for you) that you feel uncomfortable sticking up for yourself at last. He won’t like it because he is so used to ruling the roost. Stand your ground. You should be proud of yourself. Well done!

@Pinkyyogapanties

When I said cost of living was hitting people and it was a reason that I would not be having more children he told me that I should get a better job than a nurse . I said -someone has to be a nurse . I am proud of my role . He laughed and said i earn chump change

I’d nearly always advocate trying to reach out and rebuild relationship with family but this guy sounds like an asshole of the brightest magnitude so I’d probably leave it. If he has the self-awareness to reach out to you while reevaluating some of his past behaviour then there may be something worth saving. If not, good riddance.

'Almost bullying'???

No, this is bullying.

Your brother is a bully.

I'm glad your husband can see it for what it is.

Get in touch with your parents. Tell them what has happened.

Your brother thinks he's punishing you by withholding contact. The arrogance of him.

You will be better off without this prize arsehole in your life.

Get counselling. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. It’s all on your brother.

your message to him was wishy washy. He’d have got a lot ruder from me.

be glad this toxic man is no longer in your life.

You may not like confrontation & your personalities clash as he is confrontational. A bully in fact. The words you said may not have been exactly how u wanted them but you spoke up- your gut spoke up- you finally stood up to him. You honoured your boundaries in that you told him you will not be treated like that- and that’s fucking brilliant OP about time. Don’t doubt yourself now don’t doubt your gut you were well in the right- you are not prepared to take his shit anymore and your words were actually clear on that!! But they were not nasty or unfair words either! He sounds like bully or narcissist and those types hate being called out that’s why he’s gone quiet. Leave him to it you spoke fairly and respectfully you weren’t aggressive you were assertive and if he has any decency about him he’ll reflect on it and ask you how he can make it up to you. Stay strong! If he doesn’t come to you its honestly his loss not yours- you sound like a much better, warmer, more caring person xxx

what a limp lettuce your mother is OP

Allowing her son to dictate her movements like this
Allowing her son to treat her daughter like dog shit
Allowing her son to be openly impatient and rude with her grandchildren

Your brother is the product of piss poor parenting

Go and have a holiday with your lovely family that you'd actually enjoy!
And think about whether or not you'd like your enabling parents there...

Yes obviously all this is a woman’s fault… both parents, Mother and Father, were present in the holiday, so presumably during childhood.

And once we are adults we generally expect everyone to do their own adulting, and not referee and separate fighting siblings. All the the OP has to say is ‘brother, please don’t speak to me like that’ which is hardly ‘confrontational’.

OP: saying you didn’t want to go on holiday again is one transaction. You may or may not want to remain in general contact with your brother.

Prepare yourself with calm polite responses said in an amused, friendly or just straightforward tone: ‘oi, I’m not your babysitter’ , ‘please don’t speak to me like that’ , even the MN cliche ‘did you mean to sound so rude?’

However, he does sound obnoxious.

So if you don’t want to be in touch, don’t.

In truth expecting him to ‘read between the lines’ and putting yourself in victim role (needing ‘support’) probably does make you sound sensitive. But do what, if you don’t want ongoing contact? What he thinks of you doesn’t matter.

Presumably you need to co incide at family events sometimes. Head high, demeanour bright and cheerful, if he brings it all up ‘yeah, I just felt as if I was being told off all the time , you may not know how rude you sound sometimes? Anyway, no biggie, we can all holiday they say that suits us best, we’re thinking of XPlace, what about you?’

Meanwhile We were supervising but his daughter an only child struggles to share so was getting upset - really? Siblings never fight over toys or fall out with each other? Share happily and become best friends for life? ….. Like ‘all big brothers being mean’ ‘only children are selfish and don’t share’ is a stereotype.

OP you did great standing up for yourself. I wish you’d been MORE bold, even.

I wish you’d said. “Haha, as if. DB, you’re unpleasant and rude. DH already refuses to holiday with you because of how little he likes you, and next year I’ll be holidaying with DH, and my kids, far away from you. Good luck cooking your own meals and watching your own kid you twat.”

You can dislike confrontation but be doing the right thing to confront on a few occasions.

You are better off without contact from him, much as it would be better if he was a decent human being and this was not necessary.

You were right to say something. Why should you put up with his shitty behaviour.

Why would you want a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad and clearly doesn't care about you.

i thought the father wasn’t on the scene

We were supervising but his daughter an only child struggles to share so was getting upset

my children have siblings and i can’t say they were too enamoured with sharing when young Op. Interesting you think that though

We don’t see our dad and I guess have desperately wanted my brother to fill that gap.

hence me referring to the mother

surely your DH at one point over the last 5 years has interjected OP?

You don't need to stay quiet because of a Bully you were better off standing up to him, your life will be happier and better off with out this vile human being in your life x

your brother doesn’t sounds like an “alpha”, he sounds like a selfish knobhead who doesn’t care about anyone else. You did the absolute right thing. You hated the holiday and you’ve told him you won’t be doing it again. What your brother chooses to do now with that information is up to him. He’s probably just annoyed you’ve stepped out of the usual dynamic and aren’t just letting him continue to walk all over you. you should be happy you have finally spoken up.

To be honest, given he is such a shit, I think you should count yourself lucky if this means you have very little contact with him from now on. He sounds bloody awful. Sometimes, even if someone if ‘family’, little/no contact is the right thing.

I have an older brother who is rude, annoying and treats everyone like shit. Similarly we went away in August and have barely spoken since. It was awful and I’ll never go anywhere with him again. All I have heard from him since is some random messenger message about someone dying at a place I’m due to holiday next year. He loves telling me what I should be doing. Including that I’m an awful parent…he left his child’s mother while she was pregnant, has never had his child over night and his child (now a teen) chooses not to see him, I had plenty of response I could have given to his assessment of my parenting but I didn’t say anything. His nose was also knocked out of joint when he asked my DH how much he earns, I think expecting it to be much less than he does, and he found out it’s a lot more than him. These self important, selfish men will never change and when it’s a sibling I think they expect the dynamic to stay the same forever. Well it won’t, especially once someone finds their voice to tell them to get fucked.

As a side note. Stop keeping the peace to keep your mum happy. If she wants to allow him to act like a nasty piece of work and treat her badly that’s up to her. You shouldn't put up with bad treatment to keep others happy. Your brother didn’t appear from nowhere……