Grew balls and called DB out . Nightmare holiday

[Pinkyyogapanties]

Over the past few years DB has been rude to me and caused me upset . I’ve chosen to swallow his comments but it’s hurt . DM said she doesn’t want conflict so lets DB’s behaviour slide .

side note - Db is very successful and a total alpha .

After a terrible holiday with extended family , DB sent me a message saying he had enjoyed the trip and wanted to book the same villa next spring .

For the first time ever I grew some strength . I said that I had not enjoyed the holiday and found it stressful and would not go again And would have appreciated some more support . I didn’t say he was a tosser which he was !!!!

DB fired back a message saying if I wasn’t happy it was my problem and that he wouldn’t be held responsible for me not enjoying the holiday and he was focused on his children . It was a cold and defensive message .

It been a month since the message and we have had no contact . I am guessing that DB will now ignore me and cut communication. I know he is proud and will now view me as a ‘nightmare ‘ woman who is way sensitive and pathetic . Okay I don’t know that but I am quite sure he will think this !

I am now kicking myself for saying anything . Why didn’t I just stay quiet ??

Now I am wondering , Was I being sensitive ??
Have I ruined our relationship. ( it was very strained though as his bloody rude !)
I

There have been so many times DB has been rude and I know this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back !
But I feel sad DB and I will most likely not repair this . I now am kicking myself for saying anything .

Ahhhhhhhh

@muchalover

"alpha"? You do realize that is all piffle don't you? There is no alpha male like we were told in the 70s and 80s. Not in prides, packs or troops

Even men don’t buy into the alpha male nonsense beyond the age of 16 (if that). Any bloke that behaves like an “alpha” male past that age is then refered to as a dickhead with an inferiority complex.

The truth is I didn’t have the guts to say - you are rude and upset me .

So I said I would have appreciated more support . Hoping he would read between the lines . As in kindness, respect and cooperation. So it was my fault for not fully explaining . I was scared.

My DH didn’t go as he said he couldn’t care a week abroad with DB !

@Janeandme @diddl

He may have money but he is still an arsehole.

Really depends what you ACTUALLY said.

What stands out to me is you didn't enjoy yourself because he didn't 'support' you (which is not his job) and him replying that he was 'busy focusing on his children' (is his job and a perfectly reasonable response).

He is also right that your enjoyment is NOT his responsibility.

Unless you give examples of his 'tosser' behavior so far we have nothing except your opinion. You are in your own side of the story coming off quite defeatist and needy though.

I voted YABU because I think you’re being U to yourself. Why do you want a relationship with a DB who demeans you?

Your DH is grand for standing up for you. Saying you don’t want to go on a second holiday that will upset you, is doing the right thing.

Being a nurse is sadly not as well paid as it should be but it’s what you love doing and he should respect that. We need nurses. Your DB is a dickhead.

Don't apologise to him. Be civil when you can't avoid him for your Mum's sake but don't grovel.

@housethatbuiltme are you the OP’s brother?!

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread, OP - there is so much good advice on there. Do not be the one to reach out in reconciliation - put yourself first as no one else in your family is going to do so..

This all sounds so weird, why would your brother be so keen to go on holiday with you when he has apparently had such an awful time too.

And why are you bothered about him not talking to you when he is nothing but awful. So weird.

Well that’s why i think > does he enjoy himself? Does he think his behaviour is ok!? Does he not know he is A prat. Then I feel guilty !

He goes on several holidays a year. I think he just loves being away and we are family and it means the cousins see each other so he goes away with his poor relations once a year.

?!?

Well said.

Why would you actually WANT a relationship with someone like this?

I have no idea why you feel guilty it doesn't make sense.

Well done for standing up for yourself at last!
You're the youngest I assume?

@qabsnapol because I hate confrontation and have never been able to express myself. Now I’ve done it I feel so anxious about it . I don’t know why I am like this. I feel guilty now .

I'm so glad my 2 brothers aren't like this. I don't know anyone with mean brothers. Mine are amazing and there families we all rub along nicely. Glad you stood up and said something have a holiday you will enjoy or have a chat with him maybe he doesn't even realise properly how you feel.

He sounds like some sort of comedy villain insulting nurses and saying women shouldn't think they have rights.

But guilty is a weird emotion to feel, why guilt? Feel sad you may have lost the relationship with your (awful) brother but why guilty, what do you feel guilty about?

Book a holiday next year for just your family - and perhaps your Mum.

Where does your SIL fit into all of this? Is he rude/controlling towards her?

I can see that you may need to further call him and his behaviour out - but more publically.

Does your DB know why your husband didn’t go on the holiday?

I agree with @5128gap if your brother cuts you off following ONE text message he must be living on a knife edge. Or I guess, he's expecting you to come back to him and apologise?

My mother cut me off after the first time I tried (and failed) to be heard. There is one perspective, hers, any attempt to introduce a new one is aggression/madness/insanity/entitlement et cetera. Normally I end up apologising eventually but this time, i did not, and boy can that woman keep a silent treatment going.

So, my advice to you would be to text him. Nothing to do with the holiday. But you do not have to obey his silent treatment, right.

Your DB was never going to ‘read between the lines’. He’s an oaf who’s been allowed to be controlling and manipulative and needs to be told in no uncertain terms what an arse he is

If you feel guilty, walk it through...

Should you feel guilty about not enjoying the holiday? No, nobody is doing something wrong if they don't enjoy an experience.
Should you feel guilty for telling him you didn't enjoy it? No, you were honest about your feelings, without being unkind.
Should you feel guilty for not wanting to do something you don't enjoy next year? Hell no! Holidays are precious and meant to be enjoyable!

So you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know it isn't that simple, but sometimes it helps me to do this sort of exercise.

Sounds like a certain type of status conscious, competitive and driven male, stereotypical of certain professions eg finance, possibly medicine. Ordering people around so they facilitate his selfish pursuits such as being photographed in the boat by your parents who basically were used as props. Not surprised you are fed up. I get that you’d like a meaningful relationship with him, but as he is at present that doesn’t seem likely. Do what you need to protect yourself. Maybe tell him what you feel and why, that can be liberating rather than just cutting contact with no communication. Be prepared for him to lash out verbally but stand firm.

He's a twat. Be glad you're rid of him.
He brings nothing to your life.

@Backtomyoldname i wondered about the wife. Is she subservient or does she stand up to him? I’m imagining a trophy wife, but maybe that’s not the case.